Called me by dead partner’s name

[Singingdolly]

NC and sorry long post
So I met a guy a while ago. We met through mutual friends and there was an instant attraction. Only issue was his partner had died just 6 months previously and he was still grieving for her. We became friends and would meet up for dinner/drinks etc whenever I was home (I work mainly in London). Nothing happened between us until a few months ago (almost a year since his GFs death) when he admitted he had feelings for me. We started dating taking things quite slowly. I tried to be there for him and let him do things at his pace. We had only really kissed up until a few nights ago. We had dinner and went back to his and were being intimate however when he came he called me by her name. Our names aren’t similar and he didn’t even realise what he had done. I got upset and left. When I told him that next day he was utterly devastated and apologised but I’m struggling to get over it. I know it’s only been a year she has been dead but he’s still thinking of her when it matters isn’t he? Or am I being totally unreasonable? I do think we have a future but im having a tough time imagining having sex with him again. WWYD?

Twelve months is like yesterday when you have lost someone you loved or cared deeply for; I know this from experience; so if you really think this relationship could develop into something special leave the intimate part to one side for now until you’ve had longer to get to know each other.

It happened me before, he wasn’t dead just an ex. DH understood.
I think you rushed into this one. Why were you so interested in getting involved with someone who was grieving only 6 months.

Right. I’m 56 I just call everything “puss” now it’s easier.

I still call my current horse by my dead horses name occasionally... he's been dead 15 years now....

In my first post I said we met 6 months after she had died but we were just friends for 4 months and then he admitted he had feelings for me. He had acknowledged it was probably too soon but that life is short and you have to grab happiness when it comes along. We have taken it very slowly. I wasn’t interested in dating someone bereaved - I just fell for him. No deep psychological reason - he’s the best man I’ve ever met

Not during sex but I once called my new partner by ex husband’s name.
It is just the habit of associating a name with your closest person. Doesn’t mean anything more.

I think you are perhaps misinterpreting.

Yes. I understand your post. You started spending quality one on one time as friends before he said he had feelings 4 months later. I am wondering why you spent quality time knowing that he had recently lost her partner, before he developed feelings.

We just liked each others company. I work away so when I was back in town we would go for dinner or drinks, sometimes just the two of us and sometimes with friends. We just clicked but I didn’t actively pursue a relationship with him or throw myself at him. I liked him but knew he was still a bit broken and was happy to be his friend. He was making an effort to get out and not sit staring at 4 walls and had other female friends he would see. It just kind of happened.

Just enjoy your relationship.

Yes its early days for him, but no one can put a timescale on whether is has grieved enough or is ready. He will have good days and bad days. He will always love her but that doesn't mean he can't love you as well.

It's funny how people have opinions if someone has grieved enough.

Well I called dh by my ex dhs name once in the early days. DH was luckily not too upset and just pointed it out, somewhat amused though I did apologise. It was very early on though and was was just force of habit and not because I was particularly thinking of my ex.

One other time, which was a bit later on I even signed a card from both of us to someone getting married with the words . "Congratulations on you marriage etc... Love from bumbling and xx( ex dhs name)".

DH was somewhat put out by that one when he saw what I had done, and he did get a grovelling apology. I can only say it was juat a momentary brain fart where I was not thinking and quickly scribbling a card to someone while thinking of something else ans just signed the wrong name

Those were the only two times it happened though and we have been together 27 years now

His wife is no longer here, my one was worse I'd say as my ex was still around. It is upsetting I know but maybe give yourself some time. I doubt it means that he doesn't love you.

Yes. I married a widower and I would be devastated and totally agree.

I don’t want to fill a hole. My husband was 5 years on and he has never done this and to be honest I don’t think I could have got past it if he had, he wasn’t there with you in that moment.

My husband (of 27 years) has quite a lot of times called me by both his ex's (although not recently!) and his daughter's name. Couldn't be less concerned. He also calls both sons the wrong names.

This is an entirely different scenario.

That’s completely understandable. So you knew what you were getting into? So now he’s had intimacy after a huge trauma, made an error and you run off in floods.
That is very heavy. I am not saying that you should have brushed it off but your reaction given his past was a nail in the coffin.
Now you’ve put him in a position where he’ll never feel comfortable mentioning her name again. You got jealous of a dead woman. I get that wasn’t your intention but that was the message.
Pardon the pun.

The circumstances of his partner's death may have an influence. I'm not saying this to be ghoulish but losing a partner suddenly and unexpectedly is different to the partner having a terminal illness.

In the early days I sometimes called my now husband by my ex husband’s name by accident when he’d really exasperated me (like ex did all the time) and now I call him by our son’s name if he’s done something really childish and silly. It’s not done on purpose

I’m honestly not jealous of a dead woman - that would be horrible. I admit I was upset when he called me her name at a very special time and it wasn’t my finest hour, but I was feeling nervous as I knew it was a big step in our relationship. I hadn’t been with someone for a few years so it was a big deal for me too.
I’m quite happy to admit I am being unreasonable but I’m hoping we can sort things out tonight. It was perhaps a huge mistake for us to have sex as emotionally he’s probably not ready for that.
we both want to try and sort it out and I’m hoping we can. I’ve apologised for over reacting
pun excused 😁

She had been ill for a few years (cancer) but her death was sudden and unexpected as she wasn’t terminal.

I once did this with a new boyfriend after breaking up with an old one a few months earlier. I definitely wasn’t hung up on the old one, I think it was just habit plus wine

My thoughts are that he wasn’t actually “thinking” in that second, Its more if a relex

I wouldn't have even mentioned it to him, other to set his mind at ease if he noticed it himself. I'd be gutted that I made him feel utterly devastated and I certainly wouldn't have wanted an apology from a grieving person for something like this. Of course, I get why you'd be upset but my advice would be not to mention it to him again, talk to friends about any hurt you feel and wait and see if you get the vibe this was a one off or if he really isn't ready yet.

I have called my husband my ex husbands name, he has called me his ex wifes name and his ex partners name. I have called my children the dogs name, the budgies name, the cats name and even the name of children in my class.
I think you are not ready to be with someone that has lost his wife.

I called my boss ‘mum’ today. He’s a man. And I also referred to my other colleague as having a loser name. I meant username!!

I know the context makes this feel a bit raw, but try not to overthink it too much if you can.

And that is why I never use names in the bedroom!

I'd probably leave him over that. She's clearly still on his mind and it will ruin sex for you if you're wondering if he will say her name again. He's not ready for another partner and that's a pretty big downside, no matter how perfect he seems in other ways. You're the rebound relationship.