Called me by dead partner’s name

[Singingdolly]

NC and sorry long post
So I met a guy a while ago. We met through mutual friends and there was an instant attraction. Only issue was his partner had died just 6 months previously and he was still grieving for her. We became friends and would meet up for dinner/drinks etc whenever I was home (I work mainly in London). Nothing happened between us until a few months ago (almost a year since his GFs death) when he admitted he had feelings for me. We started dating taking things quite slowly. I tried to be there for him and let him do things at his pace. We had only really kissed up until a few nights ago. We had dinner and went back to his and were being intimate however when he came he called me by her name. Our names aren’t similar and he didn’t even realise what he had done. I got upset and left. When I told him that next day he was utterly devastated and apologised but I’m struggling to get over it. I know it’s only been a year she has been dead but he’s still thinking of her when it matters isn’t he? Or am I being totally unreasonable? I do think we have a future but im having a tough time imagining having sex with him again. WWYD?

I would give him grace, because it's easily done.

But also I am not into being with a man who may be thinking of someone else, even given his circumstances.

So I would end it. But kindly.

So update from our talk (if anyone interested 😁).
He wasn’t thinking of her when we were having sex and mortified he said her name. He did say that all he could think about was not coming too quickly and disappointing me so we wasn’t actually too present at all!!
He acknowledged it had probably been too soon to start dating but he has really strong feelings for me and I make him really happy which he hasn’t been for a long long time. He really wants to keep on seeing me as, like me, he feels this could be something special and could go somewhere. He had a lot of unhappiness and wants to grab any chance of happiness he can. He didn’t diminish my feelings and understood why I would be hurt, saying he would have been too and although he is still grieving my feelings are equally valid to his.
we talked more about his relationship with his ex (which I won’t go into) but a lot made sense now hearing that. Conclusion is we should have had this conversation before now and we need to talk more.
So we will keep dating. I’m away for 2 weeks from Monday and then we have a theatre trip booked when I’m back home. I’m more conscious now of taking things slowly and have more of an insight into grief.
Thanks to everyone who shared experiences and were kind, and even to the slightly harsher comments, it let me see I had overreacted a bit. It was good to get it out before I spoke to him. The internet can be a good place

Good result.

That's lovely op. I'm really rooting for you both.

I'm glad you were able to talk openly about it and keeping the communication open is really important. There's going to be times when he's going to shut off though so be prepared for that and my advice would be not to push.

I would ask him how he would feel about going to individual grief counseling. He's going to get conflicted about dating again and grief is going to come and go and it can't be predicted. Patience and space will serve you well during those times.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

You have handled this very well and sensibly.You both have talked about it and I sound that there is definitely a good future.Good luck in the future. Perhaps a recap in six months time as I’d love to know if you are meant for each other. Bless you both.

That's good news. I will say, gently, that you might possibly upset him if you refer to his late partner as his ex, unless that is the term he himself uses.

His memory threw up that name in response to that particular feeling because that’s when he’s said it in the past. It doesn’t mean he was actually thinking about her.

In contrast, I have called DH by EH’s name several times when I have been exasperated. I knew it wasn’t EH I was talking to, but that feeling goes with that name.

It did stop after a year or two.

Edited to say I’ve just read your update; it all sounds very respectful and positive.

You're not being unreasonable to be upset.

You're being unreasonable to assume he's thinking of her when he inadvertently said her name.

I don’t refer to her as his ex in real life. I call her by her name, but I didn’t want to put her name on here. It’s hard to know what to refer to her as on here as I know she’s not an ex really

Awww thank you. I’ll do a recap in the spring if things work out.

It’s not his fault. He’s just not ready. Definitely do not continue the relationship.

Definitely do!

That's fair enough, and it is tricky - I think it's easier if the couple were married, there's specific vocabulary for that.
I'm really pleased you talked it through anyway. Awful, jarring timing for you, but it does mean he has you in the same mental category of loved partner.

This. It does matter.

Really surprised how this thread has gone.

Been wondering whether to post and if so, how to say it. I nearly said my exes name when sleeping with my husband twice. I think husband knew. Said nothing. My ex was a sore point for him. Three years after I left my husband I'm having sex with said ex, had to concentrate not to say husband's name. Both start with same initials which is the only reason for this near slip up. Very very very much not thinking about husband. Was very very very much thinking about ex when sleeping with husband. Probably.

@Singingdolly I do hope it all works out for you. Life is hard enough and we could all use some love and happiness in some form,

Can I ask in what way?

Oh that's a good outcome @Singingdolly Particularly that he said your feelings were as important as his (because they are!) Wishing you lots of happiness in the future.

I was expecting outrage but the majority have been really kind about the situation.

Yes they have. I really appreciated posters sharing their own stories and advice. It’s been a nice lesson in the kindness of strangers

I wouldn’t be having sex with him again.

Well that’s a turn up for the books on MN 🤣

I think I might 😉