Called me by dead partner’s name

[Singingdolly]

NC and sorry long post
So I met a guy a while ago. We met through mutual friends and there was an instant attraction. Only issue was his partner had died just 6 months previously and he was still grieving for her. We became friends and would meet up for dinner/drinks etc whenever I was home (I work mainly in London). Nothing happened between us until a few months ago (almost a year since his GFs death) when he admitted he had feelings for me. We started dating taking things quite slowly. I tried to be there for him and let him do things at his pace. We had only really kissed up until a few nights ago. We had dinner and went back to his and were being intimate however when he came he called me by her name. Our names aren’t similar and he didn’t even realise what he had done. I got upset and left. When I told him that next day he was utterly devastated and apologised but I’m struggling to get over it. I know it’s only been a year she has been dead but he’s still thinking of her when it matters isn’t he? Or am I being totally unreasonable? I do think we have a future but im having a tough time imagining having sex with him again. WWYD?

In that particular moment his brain wasn't fully engaged. I think if things are good otherwise it sounds worth sticking with and trying to get past the completely understandable hurt you're feeling.

I can't actually believe the amount of people who have clicked YABU. Of course this is a reasonable thing to be upset about.

I think I would step back from the relationship at tis point and just be there for him as a friend. He clearly isn't ready to be what you need

Oh man, exactly this. I was trying to think of how to word my reply and @summitfever has done it for me. I’ve actually done this myself, so if it helps I can absolutely promise you that the reason why was that my lizard brain realised long before the rest of me that this was a man I loved, as was the man whose name he got called! I didn’t get mixed up - I wasn’t having an affair - I just subconsciously attached the feeling of loving someone with the name of the first man who made me feel that way. There had been seven years between the two! That was 35 years ago and we’re still together so clearly my lizard brain knew its stuff…

Two things. One is I have done this before and my DH was absolutely furious with me. I was sleep deprived, we had a newborn and older DC came in at a god awful time in the morning to wake us up so I turned to him half asleep like “exes name wake up” … Mortifying and as soon as I realised I apologised profusely and felt awful. He was mad with me for days. No idea why I did this, it isn’t something I’ve done since.

Second is my friend attempted to date someone whose ex had killed herself. A couple of years had elapsed but he clearly wasn’t over it and wanted to talk about her a lot. She ditched him because it gave her the ick. I’d say a year on, he’s likely still grieving.

I was actually surprised at the number of people that clicked YANBU.

Give the man a break. It was an innocent slip up. My DH did the same thing occasionally when we first got together. Yes, I did notice but he’d been with his ex a long time so totally understandable.

I agree with this

Was this the first time he’s had sex at all since wife passed away? And perhaps a while longer depending on the specifics of her illness? Years?

In that case, it was an absolutely huge deal for him that it happened, and the fact he said her name is all about him processing grief and not at all about you or how much he likes you! We are very vulnerable at that particular physical point, so maybe his brain simply felt safe to go to that place where he keeps her in his mind.

I think it’s a good sign he was so comfortable with you and let his guard down like that, he clearly has a lot to process still, but he trusts you to see him being vulnerable and you’re on the same page about going at a sensible pace. If you like him I’d try to get past this OP.

My partner and I are both widowed. Sometimes, accidentally, we both call each other by the wrong names. We were both married a long time, and it’s sheer habit.

I really wouldn’t take it personally. 😉

My partner’s ex had a weirdly similar name to me and we both have really unusual names. He has called me by her name a few times. I just let it slide - men are a bit thick sometimes .

He’s been through something hugely traumatic. This is way too soon to be entering into a serious relationship. How long were they together?

I think because he’s a widow it doesn’t seem as bad but his relationship with his ex is over and he needs to get over it before he can move on.
Would you think it acceptable if his partner had walked out 6 months ago and he was still thinking of her when it mattered?
If he is to move on with someone else he needs to put the past behind him as if his relationship ended for any other reason.
I don’t think I could be with someone who still thought about an ex and it wouldn’t matter if they were dead or alive they are an ex.

They were together for 6 years and she was ill for about 3 or 4 of those. He really did care for her and support her so well and I know was very shocked when she died as it was unexpected and sudden.

It’s only been a year and he’s still grieving, I would back off with intimacy as I don’t think he is ready. He’s so vulnerable and your hurt feelings are nothing in comparison to his raw feelings of grief and loneliness of life without his partner. You’re are a rebound, he is trying to climb out of the despair of grief and another relationship is a distraction but it is not a cure.

Her hurt feelings aren't "nothing"
His grief isn't something she should need to compete with.
If he's incapable of a relationship he shouldn't be in one.

6 years, IMHO, is quite a sorry amount of time. He cared for her for 3-4 years yet the death was unexpected... so it really wasn't even on the horizon at any point?

You say "he could be a keeper" and "he's the best man I've ever met" - you've got to stand back and think about the options he might be considering.. "is she a keeper?" - if you are giving off high maintenance or insecurity vibes... you might not be what he needs on his life right now. Of course it's probably a confusing and difficult time for him so wise up and factor that in - at the start of all relationships you've got to be able to navigate your way thorough and around all kinds of awkward moments if you want a long term relationship - being able to do this IMHO, will speak volumes to him about you. If you can conclude perhaps that having thought about things, you've over reacted - go and tell him that.. If you're not quite there yet you just need to talk it through a bit more but don't make a mountain out of a molehill - if you choose to let every little problem stop a relationship from developing you know where that will lead don't you? I don't even think you could conclude he was even thinking of her at that moment (unless he's told you this) - next time, tell him you'll wear a name tag - I think you can solve or move on, from a lot of problems by using humour - it's an under rated tool to have in your relationship toolbox IMHO.

This. Way to minimise OP's feelings.

I call my kids by the other’s name all the time. I’m sure each of them think the other is my favourite, but they get equally misnamed.

He must have said her name thousands of times over the years and it gets imprinted into your brain. If you like him just give him a bit of time and space, don’t go all in too fast.

Why shouldnt you have a future? Just because he had a slip of the tongue it doesnt mean he was thinking of her at the crucial moment.

He may be fantasizing it is her whilst having sex. Something you may have to think very seriously about. He is not over her and it may take a long time till he is. In the meantime he needs love, support, companionship and of course sex. You are not there to play second fiddle. You need to think carefully whether you wish to continue this relationship Personally I would give it a bit of a breather for the time being and give him more time to get over her properly.

Do people say someone's name when they come? Is this normal?

If one person does then yes, it's normal for them.

This was the first time he'd had sex with anyone since his wife died, and probably the first time in. years he'd had sex with anyone except her? If so, I don't think what happened is unusual or surprising. The fact that he didn't realise he had done it until you told him (assuming you trust that this is true) would make me think he wasn't consciously thinking of her but rather said her name when distracted and not clearly thinking, out of habit and in an activity that he probably still strongly associates with her (sorry). Whether or not you can live with this knowledge, only you can decide.

Everyone deals with grief differently but one year is very soon to get into a serious relationship - for most people getting through a full year of grieving and learning to face situations and milestones without the person who has died is kind of the minimum basis for moving on, therapy or no therapy.

Don't take it personally, my husband did it to me ... I do believe he wasn't thinking about his ex at the time, just a mistake.

I’ve done the same to my b/f (twice!) with my dead DH’s name - not quite in the throes of passion but v v close
To be fair he has also called me his ex wife’s name
These things happen - it’s embarrassing but we’re human!
It’s just learning to break the habit (if that doesn’t sound too cold!)

I bet it hurt him a lot more, on many levels!

It’s easy to get a name wrong . Give the guy a chance. He sounds like a decent chap. Ignore what happened and get to know him more . He sounds worth the effort .