Page 6 | Called me by dead partner’s name

Newmumatlast · Yesterday 20:04

I think it is just habit. Loads of people don't call out names at all during sex so its not like it means someone is or isn't thinking of someone. He obviously used to and therefore just did

Excited101 · Yesterday 20:13

My partner of 6 years has called me his ex wife’s name multiple times- I think it’s funny, it doesn’t mean anything, it’s just habit!

Original poster

Singingdolly · Yesterday 20:13

mmmarmalade · Yesterday 18:15

6 years, IMHO, is quite a sorry amount of time. He cared for her for 3-4 years yet the death was unexpected... so it really wasn't even on the horizon at any point?

You say "he could be a keeper" and "he's the best man I've ever met" - you've got to stand back and think about the options he might be considering.. "is she a keeper?" - if you are giving off high maintenance or insecurity vibes... you might not be what he needs on his life right now. Of course it's probably a confusing and difficult time for him so wise up and factor that in - at the start of all relationships you've got to be able to navigate your way thorough and around all kinds of awkward moments if you want a long term relationship - being able to do this IMHO, will speak volumes to him about you. If you can conclude perhaps that having thought about things, you've over reacted - go and tell him that.. If you're not quite there yet you just need to talk it through a bit more but don't make a mountain out of a molehill - if you choose to let every little problem stop a relationship from developing you know where that will lead don't you? I don't even think you could conclude he was even thinking of her at that moment (unless he's told you this) - next time, tell him you'll wear a name tag - I think you can solve or move on, from a lot of problems by using humour - it's an under rated tool to have in your relationship toolbox IMHO.

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she had cancer which was inoperable so he knew she was going to die at some point but she got sepsis and died suddenly. She wasn’t terminal at that point. They both knew their relationship would be cut short but her death was unexpected

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Flamingbanana214 · Yesterday 20:17

Ouch, I would have reacted badly to that in the moment I think. Years ago I have called my DP my exes name a few times, in anger though. That name just trips off my tongue when I'm angry 😂

Original poster

Singingdolly · Yesterday 20:22

Flamingbanana214 · Yesterday 20:17

Ouch, I would have reacted badly to that in the moment I think. Years ago I have called my DP my exes name a few times, in anger though. That name just trips off my tongue when I'm angry 😂

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Funnily enough I think I wouldn’t have minded so much if it was in the middle of an argument or discussion. 😁

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AuntyRosie9 · Yesterday 20:27

Please dont give up on this guy for this . Explain that you are upset and let him understand. Just get on with getting to know each other . He sounds like a nice guy .

Original poster

Singingdolly · Yesterday 20:33

AuntyRosie9 · Yesterday 20:27

Please dont give up on this guy for this . Explain that you are upset and let him understand. Just get on with getting to know each other . He sounds like a nice guy .

He is just the loveliest guy. He’s kind and gentle, funny, handsome and all the smarts. He is a doctor and cares so much about his patients and everyone around him. I know he would never have intentionally hurt me and starting to agree that I overreacted to this. He’s heading to mine now. Will update later if anyone wants to know after we have chatted. I hope we can build on this. Maybe I like him more than I first thought

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Wildefish · Yesterday 20:33

Singingdolly · 08/10/2026 21:52

NC and sorry long post
So I met a guy a while ago. We met through mutual friends and there was an instant attraction. Only issue was his partner had died just 6 months previously and he was still grieving for her. We became friends and would meet up for dinner/drinks etc whenever I was home (I work mainly in London). Nothing happened between us until a few months ago (almost a year since his GFs death) when he admitted he had feelings for me. We started dating taking things quite slowly. I tried to be there for him and let him do things at his pace. We had only really kissed up until a few nights ago. We had dinner and went back to his and were being intimate however when he came he called me by her name. Our names aren’t similar and he didn’t even realise what he had done. I got upset and left. When I told him that next day he was utterly devastated and apologised but I’m struggling to get over it. I know it’s only been a year she has been dead but he’s still thinking of her when it matters isn’t he? Or am I being totally unreasonable? I do think we have a future but im having a tough time imagining having sex with him again. WWYD?

I have called my second husband by my first husbands name. There has been over 20 years between the two marriages, and it’s not like I even think about him🤷‍♀️ I also drove into my old address last week after 13 years. It’s just connections in the brain getting mixed up. If he keeps doing it then it’s a problem.

PlanningMylife · Yesterday 20:37

Singingdolly · Yesterday 13:02

I didn’t have an issue so much with being called by her name it was where and the fact we were being intimate that was upsetting.
I don’t want to end it. I accept I am probably being unreasonable but I feel what I feel

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This. For me I don’t mind him talking about his wife (she’s not his ex she is his wife albeit deceased), I don’t mind her photo up and I don’t mind him talking about her or visiting her grave. Never have and never will. We have her photo up in multiple locations - she will never be forgotten but we don’t have her photo in the bedroom. That was agreed and the bedroom is just for us and no comparisons with other people. End of. For me I’m sorry he called you by his dead partner’s name as he came he wasn’t there with you and he was thinking of her or at least that how it appears. A year or even two years is too short. He hasn’t even don’t all those milestones eg first Christmas first anniversary in 6 months. And there isn’t a time limit on healing but this is too soon.

You have nothing to apologise for, you did nothing wrong. Being upset is normal and natural so don’t blame yourself.

Cardisncocktails · Yesterday 20:40

Singingdolly · 08/10/2026 21:52

NC and sorry long post
So I met a guy a while ago. We met through mutual friends and there was an instant attraction. Only issue was his partner had died just 6 months previously and he was still grieving for her. We became friends and would meet up for dinner/drinks etc whenever I was home (I work mainly in London). Nothing happened between us until a few months ago (almost a year since his GFs death) when he admitted he had feelings for me. We started dating taking things quite slowly. I tried to be there for him and let him do things at his pace. We had only really kissed up until a few nights ago. We had dinner and went back to his and were being intimate however when he came he called me by her name. Our names aren’t similar and he didn’t even realise what he had done. I got upset and left. When I told him that next day he was utterly devastated and apologised but I’m struggling to get over it. I know it’s only been a year she has been dead but he’s still thinking of her when it matters isn’t he? Or am I being totally unreasonable? I do think we have a future but im having a tough time imagining having sex with him again. WWYD?

YANBU.
There is no real comparison between calling someone by an-ex's name after a split/divorce, and calling someone by a dead wife's name. Bereavement is a complex thing, generally most bereaved individuals were in a loving relationship until the end, unlike a break up. The grieving process for bereavement is hard and never concludes.. it simply goes through stages. Your partner is in a very early stage of grieving by the sound of things.
That does not preclude a bereaved person from loving again, and finding a new partner. But it takes a special kind of person to accept all that comes with forming a relationship with someone whose wife/husband/life partner has died.
Seriously, tread carefully and protect yourself. A good sign is that you have spoken to him about your feelings when he spoke her name, he has acknowledged and apologised for doing it. The context in which it happened IS relevant however and only you know if you can move forward from it. You have every right to feel as you do, and never let anyone persuade you to downplay your hurt.
Good luck, and I hope you come to the right decision for you.. and for him too.

Ilovelifeverymuch · Yesterday 20:55

EmeraldShamrock000 · Yesterday 14:23

That’s completely understandable. So you knew what you were getting into? So now he’s had intimacy after a huge trauma, made an error and you run off in floods.
That is very heavy. I am not saying that you should have brushed it off but your reaction given his past was a nail in the coffin.
Now you’ve put him in a position where he’ll never feel comfortable mentioning her name again. You got jealous of a dead woman. I get that wasn’t your intention but that was the message.
Pardon the pun.

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WTH are you going on about?????

She is jealous because she doesn't want him calling out his dead GF's name while he is sleeping with her??? Are you ok?

BatshitCrazyWoman · Yesterday 21:42

I've been in a relationship with a widower for 8 years. I completely understand how you felt, particularly at that moment. He doesn't get a free pass to upset you, unwittingly or otherwise, just because his wife died. It's completely different from calling your DH your ex's name, or your son the dog's name!

If he would like to be in a relationship with you, then he does have to begin the process of moving forwards in his life. He may be ready, he may not be (and he may not know himself). My advice is always to guard your heart in these kind of relationships.

I hope you are able to talk everything through.

croydon15 · Yesterday 21:57

You are being over sensitive, it's only been a year since his wife passed away, give him time and just take it slowly.

RedSnail1 · Yesterday 23:19

I think you need to talk to him. There is a big difference between thinking of someone else in the moment and accidentally saying the wrong name.

Seajaye · Yesterday 23:27

I would be hurt initially that he wasn't concentrating on me during 'the act' and his former partner was in his headspace, but that's actually a risk for many second or third long term relationships. He can't be expected to forget her but he does need to be ready for a completely new relationship which is going to have it's own boundaries and a new start of new memories.. Maybe he is not quite ready yet.

I suggest that you go slower and give him some slack and wait until he says he's got his thoughts under control before getting intimate again. . A bit of counselling in how to move on while respecting a loved one's memory might help him.

Kokonimater · Yesterday 23:32

He’s not thinking of her. He’s thinking of the feeling he’s getting as he’s climaxing. It’s probably a habit. It doesn’t mean anything. If anything it’s a compliment. He felt comfortable happy and was enjoying himself with You!