Called me by dead partner’s name

[Singingdolly]

NC and sorry long post
So I met a guy a while ago. We met through mutual friends and there was an instant attraction. Only issue was his partner had died just 6 months previously and he was still grieving for her. We became friends and would meet up for dinner/drinks etc whenever I was home (I work mainly in London). Nothing happened between us until a few months ago (almost a year since his GFs death) when he admitted he had feelings for me. We started dating taking things quite slowly. I tried to be there for him and let him do things at his pace. We had only really kissed up until a few nights ago. We had dinner and went back to his and were being intimate however when he came he called me by her name. Our names aren’t similar and he didn’t even realise what he had done. I got upset and left. When I told him that next day he was utterly devastated and apologised but I’m struggling to get over it. I know it’s only been a year she has been dead but he’s still thinking of her when it matters isn’t he? Or am I being totally unreasonable? I do think we have a future but im having a tough time imagining having sex with him again. WWYD?

It’s not the same as mixing up your cats’ names momentarily when busy.

Using a partner’s name during sex is a very intimate thing to do (I would never do it!!) and to do it in the last moments but seemingly not even realise I do find a bit odd.

If it’s because he is distraught and not thinking straight then is he ready for a relationship and even more so, do you want a relationship with him if he is in that state?

I can understand why you’re upset but it is easily done. I’ve accidentally called my son, my husbands name plenty of times. Of course the situations are totally different but it is easily done without any intention behind it.

Sorry I can under you being upset. I would have to take a step back maybe it is too soon for him.

I don't see that this is a huge thing, actually. He cares for you both in a similar way. It's the same as how I call my dc each other's names sometimes (and also the dog's name). Brains are weird and get confused. It doesn't mean to don't love the person who's name you get wrong.

I am a widow. I have called my current partner by my husbands name. Not because i was thinking of him or not ready to move forward, because its the name I said for 22 years and its just there. My partner has also called me by his ex's name, its just one of those things.

I also called my current dog by my dead dogs name, or my daughters the wrong name.

I remember my mum doing the same, would go through a list before getting the name right.

This.

Firstly, I completely understand why you are upset, and I'm sure he does too.

I once called DP by an ex's name, and he's did the same to me, both early on and both were previous LTRs.

Neither of us noticed, the other had to tell us. It wasn't in an intimate situation thankfully.

It wasn't that I was thinking of my ex, at all, it was more I think that the situation/feeling was previously associated with that name for a long time and it was a sort of... Muscle memory?... I don't know how else to describe it.

It was a similar feeling to the way you might drive to the wrong house after you move and then wonder how on earth you got there.

I don't know if that helps, but I really really wouldn't read any deep emotional reason into it.

I've been married to the second Mr Triskellion for 15 years and have on occasion referred to him by the first Mr Triskellion's name, and I left him 20 odd years ago.

Don't be too hard on him.

I’m not so convinced. I get that he could make a slip up, but most people would immediately realise, no?

I've been with DH for 30 years and it wasn't that long ago he referred to me a wife #1 when speaking to his Uncle on the phone....

I've also been married to dh for 30 years and, quite out of the blue a few months ago I called him by my ex husbands name. Never done it before so I really don't know - why now? Obviously just a brain blip. Dh didn't take offence - we're too old and been together too long now to sweat the small stuff.

Happy for you to PM me if needed, I’ve been on a rollercoaster with it but we are in a good place now.

I think a relationship with a bereaved person requires a particular mindset. Because unlike a relationship with someone with an ex, you know there's a good chance they would still be together if death hadn't intervened. And that this means your partner still has love for their late partner and if it were possible would rather they were there.
Over time, this can fade and their relationship with you may assume equal value, but in the early days, you have to accept that the dead person holds a chunk of their heart.
Of course, this doesn't stop them being a great partner to you or prevent you building a future. But it's not one for the jealous, the insecure or the over sensitive.

Hi OP

I don't necessarily think he was thinking about her. Sometimes your body remembers stuff your mind doesn't. Like I get my kids names mixed up because in my head they're both in the same category of 'small people I love'

Once in an argument with a new partner I called him by my old boyfriends name. We'd split up quite a while before and I wasn't thinking of him at all. I think it's because I used to argue with my ex more, this was the first argument that I'd had with my new bf, and my brain just made a stupid 'this is the name you say when you're arguing' type connection. There was nothing more to it than that.

I'd try and get over it, if he loved his ex its always going to be weird for him with someone new, no matter how much he was over her and how much he has moved on.

A year is nothing. Think back to a year ago and how recent it feels to you.

He is barely in the stages of getting used to life without her let alone actually moving on from his grief.

I think both of you need to be realistic about the state he will be in at this point.

Even if she hadn't died it wouldn't be that strange for him to use the name of an ex by accident if they were together a long time.

Forgive him and try to be realistic about how recent this is for him.

I sometimes go through about 3 or 4 names trying to name a child or my husband. We all get confused as we get old!

Try not to bring your own hurt to it - I do think that is a bit unfair as he has lost her, you have chosen a relationship with someone grieving.

This is really accurate advice in my experience @Singingdolly

He’s only 37 so not sure I can blame old age. 🤣
I am honestly not blaming him or trying to make him feel bad, but I am allowed to feel what I feel. I think if it had been a random name drop out of the bedroom I would have been fine with it, was just where and when it happened that hurt. I know he will still love her and I honestly have no issue with that. He’s lovely to me and has never made me feel like I’m a substitute for her or second best. I was probably just feeling vulnerable and it hit hard.
I will see him later and we can have a talk about it. I don’t want to hurt him as I know he’s still grieving and I wouldn’t have started dating him if I didn’t seriously believe we have a future together.

No, it’s no big deal.

My DH was widowed for about 6 years before I met him and he did that. We’ve been together for 24 years now and I think he only said it that once.

Don’t write off a potentially great relationship over something so pointless in the grand scheme.

I’m a widow. When I first had sex with someone, I used a word of endearment that I used with my husband. I wasn’t thinking about my husband, it was purely that’s what I was used to saying ‘in the moment’. I can see why it’s upsetting for you, but, for me, it felt like the verbal equivalent of muscle memory.

Grief is complex and dating a widow/widower does mean that there will always be someone in the background. I will always love my husband, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have feelings (and in time I may find love again) for other people. The best I can do is to liken it to having children, you don’t love your first any less when you have your second.

He will ALWAYS be grieving for her ! You say he was still grieving after 6 months that's barely time for it to sink in !

he's going to call you her name a few times

if you can’t accept these basic facts do him a favour and end it

Of course I can understand your upset, anyone could. But bereavement is one of the toughest roads you could ever walk, especially when the person was relatively young. Give him time and a little grace and take it slowly. You seem keen on him otherwise and he sounds nice, so just see how it goes.

Yep, this is why I would step back.

I didn’t have an issue so much with being called by her name it was where and the fact we were being intimate that was upsetting.
I don’t want to end it. I accept I am probably being unreasonable but I feel what I feel

I was only 32 and it still took me a while to stop accidentally (occasionally) using my ex's name 🤦🏻‍♀️
He'll get there eventually ☺️

I'm widowed, I've had to cover going to call my DP by my DH's name. It's strange, my DH died twenty years ago, but something can trigger a memory and there's a lapse. I've been with my DP for six years, lived together for four years. Don't push him into grief counselling, counselling isn't for everyone.