To think that this is a ridiculous arrangement?

[Bfgirl101]

I have a friend and I’m really struggling not to say something.

She is married with a 2.5 year old child. She’s also pregnant with her second.

Her dh works full time but she doesn’t work at the moment, which is fair enough, she has a small child.

But, her toddler has been in nursery 2.5 days a week since he was 1. It’s costing them an absolute fortune and she fully intends to put baby number 2 into nursery too.

She is constantly telling me how broke they are and worrying about money but she sees the nursery as essential because apparently her ds loves it there and it’s all for his development.

Aibu to think that this is a crazy arrangement and find it hard not to say something?

I only know what she tells me and what I see.

I do not think women should be doing everything, and I am certainly not horrified at a man doing the shopping and cooking.

But she is 100% not plastering or sanding floors.

Then don't. Shut it down as soon as she starts moaning or end the friendship.

I voted YABU, to saying something. Unless she and her husband are complete idiots, they understand the situation and have made a conscious informed decision, a decision which has drawbacks. It sounds like she is telling you because as a friend, she can vent/offload without judgement. Clearly it isn't ridiculous to them.

It's her decision but I agree it's unnecessary and not a decision I would make.
When I was a SAHM my children went to preschool three mornings a week when they were 3. The rest of the time they were with me because I wanted to spend time with them . There is no advantage in sending a 12 month old baby to nursery unless you are working.

Socialising in nursery’s is actually a really good way to get children out there and interacting, especially with a new sibling on the way, pals the child’s own age are needed.

I sent DS to nursery while on a career break, so basically a SAHM, to help with his development inclusing socialising. He had a speech delay and other mild delays which the HV thought nursery would help with. Also, because I knew that I was returning to work the following year, it was preparation for him going to nursery then. If you don't want to to listen to her, just tell her. Or maybe it's a sign that perhaps this 'friendship' isn't for you and its time to step away.

Don’t say anything. It’s not your business, plus what would it achieve except bad feeling?
If she does mention money worries and asks for your advice on managing money better, then is the time to gently offer your opinion.

This isn’t an anti nursery thread, but I don’t know anyone who put their 1 year old into nursery unless it was because they were going back to work. A 3 year old going to pre school yes, but not a 1 year old. She’s planning to put the new ant into nursery too.

And they can’t afford it, not just in a way that they’re cutting back, they are in a dire financial situation. If they had disposable income to do this but she’s made it quite clear they are in a mess.

I put my eldest into nursery 2 days a week when I was pregnant with my second because I was ill and knackered, and needed a break. But we could afford it. I wouldn't have done it otherwise.

I have looked after her ds but I also work myself as well as having my own dc. I have also paid for lunch and coffee more than I should have. Because of her saying how broke they are. She has told me that they’ve missed bill payments and they are in a lot of debt.

This is why she's telling you she's broke, because she's found people will pay for her lunches and coffees.

She sounds like a CF. You are working to subsidise her being a SAHM by paying for her treats.

From now on, don't pay for anything for her!

This is a new idea, in the past looking after your own kids and talking to them all the time was seen as best for development- Neither I nor anyone my age went to nursery, the first school I knew was school when I was 5 . No one had any developmental, or socialisation problems that I saw. What has changed is the expectation a woman with preschool children should work.

I accept it’s none of my business and I won’t comment to her.

But she is making it my business in a way by telling me about their finances.

Sometimes even though someone is your friend you can still think they are in the wrong over something. We can’t be saintly all the time and never have an opinion on things that people tell us.

I agree it's a bit daft because they literally can't afford it.
If they could afford it then that's their choice.
But they can't.
I know a family who had to take out a loan to cover the summer school holiday childcare. The mum quit her job after that summer.
Why get in to debt for something you don't actually need?

But that would be different - because you’d be coming on to complain about your own circumstances and, hopefully, also seeking advice. Your friend isn’t, she’s just having a whinge to someone she assumes is a friend and probably is unaware that you are judging her. And perhaps she is planning to start work once the second one is in nursery?

Where I live, if you don’t get a place when they are infants - especially if you have 2 children, it is much harder to get them in at a later stage as there are rarely good settings with two spaces that haven’t been booked months/years ahead. It makes the transition of mum back into work much harder for the children if they’ve not been socialised into it long beforehand, especially is she needs the longer/all day hours. Add to that, the fact that in a new nursery or school they pick up every bloody bug going - whereas her two will have strong immune systems that have adapted to that setting already - by settling them now she is reducing the risk of constantly being off work with sick kids (and still having to pay nursery fees and pissing off a new employer).

It’s short-term pain - financially - for a long-term gain.

Me! Both mine went from 2years. I needed a break and they needed a whole lot more interaction than faffing around with me. They started making friends, learnt SO much and enjoyed it. This was FAR more than I could give them.

@Bfgirl101 If she keeps saying she's broke then tell her why. There are probably places people take kids so toddlers can 'socialise'. Suggest them?

People rationalise things they are determined to do. She's determined to have 2 kids in nursery and feels it is wirth the expense. You won't change her mind, but you could occasionally say 'I guess you feel it's worth the money worries to have the children in nursery', which might nudge her to think about it more.

Maybe it’s because it’s none of your bloody business?

People seem to have been completely brainwashed by the (clearly very successful) government campaign that nursery is essential to children's development when peer reviewed studies etc are clear that child having majority of care provided by a singular parent is most beneficial to them. Certainly up to age 2 and depending on the study, for even longer. There's certainly 0 studies that advise that attending childcare is more beneficial.

But people want to believe it, because most have no choice but to use childcare, so it's an easy sell.

YANBU. SAHP ate the ideal, and complaining about the cost of nursery that you don't actually need to use is bonkers.

If she has poor mental health or needs childcare because of an illnesses, disability or she can't cope, that's a different matter and it's understandable.