To think that this is a ridiculous arrangement?

[Bfgirl101]

I have a friend and I’m really struggling not to say something.

She is married with a 2.5 year old child. She’s also pregnant with her second.

Her dh works full time but she doesn’t work at the moment, which is fair enough, she has a small child.

But, her toddler has been in nursery 2.5 days a week since he was 1. It’s costing them an absolute fortune and she fully intends to put baby number 2 into nursery too.

She is constantly telling me how broke they are and worrying about money but she sees the nursery as essential because apparently her ds loves it there and it’s all for his development.

Aibu to think that this is a crazy arrangement and find it hard not to say something?

Would have thought with the childcare funding it isn't actually that expensive to go in for 2.5 days?

But it does seem a bit insane yes, if they are struggling for money.

As far as I’m aware she doesn’t get any childcare funding because she doesn’t work and the child is only 2, he’s been going to nursery since he was 1.

It’s costing her around £600 per month and they will be even more once the new baby goes.

I’m surprised that people are voting yabu.

Who pays to put their baby/toddler into nursery when they are a sahp.

What would saying something actually achieve? I'm pretty sure she's aware how much nursery costs but it's obvioulsy something she relies on, for whatever reason she may choose not to share with you. Try to see it as something she needs to not go totally stir crazy, making it an essential expense.

I don’t see what benefit there’d be in saying something. And I can see that a toddler might get a benefit from nursery.

But yes, it’s obviously a bit mad to spend £600 a month when you don’t have to if you are also worried about money.

Tell her to get a job for the days he's in nursery.

I don’t think I will ever say anything but it’s hard when she’s telling me how much they’re struggling for money and in debt and so on.

She seems to think that the nursery is all for her toddlers development and because he has friends there.

I think you are being unreasonable. Simply because this is a friend that you’re judging on the internet lol. Different people prioritise different things, she clearly feels the 2 days a week are important, and although she says it is important for her child’s development which I believe is her main reason, there will be an underlying reason and maybe that’s that she just needs the space. Not being a working mum, doesn’t mean she’s not exhausted and burnt out. Postpartum is hard work. Stop judging your friend.

You have to wonder why she’s having another child when taking care of one two year old is so onerous. When she complains about being skint just hmmm and mmm and said it sounds tricky. I’d probably feel a bit sad for her that she feels nursery is providing better care than she can.

I don’t think it’s ridiculous really. I actually think it’s nice having a kid in nursery a couple of days when new baby arrives so you can get some time just you and baby (and the older child gets to maintain some routine). Plenty of people continue to send their older child to nursery on maternity leave, which is what she’ll be doing soon anyway. And plenty of kids go to nursery from 1. She obviously finds it works for her family. The complaining about money would annoy me a bit but with current cost of living crisis I feel like everyone is complaining about it at the moment!

Maybe it's because she struggles to cope.

About 2 years ago, I picked up a client who was a SAHM mum and she just couldn't manage the approx 1 year old baby full-time. They moved back towards where her mum lives in the end. She just couldn't be switched on for that many hours straight and still have a safe, clean house and eat something herself. They couldn't afford nursery and the reality was that she needed someone with her at least a couple of hours every day.

She was in her early 30s and had a professional job before maternity leave. I wonder how she got on tbh.

She’s not being unreasonable to put the DCs into nursery. She is being unreasonable to moan about the financial impact. I don’t think I could cope with circular and repetitive conversations on that so other than saying ‘that must be hard’ what does she expect you to do?

It’s not putting the child into nursery it’s the fact that she’s not working and they are broke.

They can’t afford it and are getting into all sorts of debt and problems to pay for it.

YABU to judge someone else’s finances. It’s none of your business!

There are heaps of good reasons a family may prioritise nursery spending even if hard up. Firstly it’s good for kids’ development to socialise. Secondly she’s pregnant and probably tired. Then she’ll have a newborn and need 1:1 time with the newborn. Loads of reasons.

None of which are any of your business.

None 👏 Of 👏 Your 👏 Business 👏

Mumsnet is a strange place sometimes.If I posted on here that I was a sahp but was paying out £££ to put my kid in nursery half the week, and was broke. I’d be ripped apart 🤣

When she’s dumping her misery on OP it becomes her business.

Yeah it’s ridiculous if they can’t afford it, there are plenty of baby groups they could go to that would be equally beneficial at that age.

Because that would be your actual business not someone else's that your judging.

Unless she is using your money to fund it - not your business!

Because they consider it to be essential for their child development and are prepared to make sacrifices. As do many other parents who chose to go to debt to pay for extra-curricular activities, throw money at a sport where they believe their child has a future, to finance their children's private education or to help them with the deposit on their first property. Millions of people are out there choosing to go into debt so that their kids have experiences which they believe are essential. This is no different.
My cousin's wife just made the same decision about her 1 year-old because he is a very shy child, clings to her, has little opportunity to interact with other children and adults independently and they hope that going to nursery will help him become more confident. What's wrong with that?

YABU she probably uses that free time to rest and have some leisure time away from all the stress and work of being a wife and mother and running a house. There's nothing wrong with wanting some time off, I don't know why people resent it when other people have an easy life although I suspect jealousy plays a part.

As for moaning about money, don't we all do that at times?

Your friend is choosing too. Do you not think that she is intelligent enough to know that it is costing a lot, and it would be cheaper to have her child at home with her, more? What do you think that she will do with the revelation that you will impart on her? I would not even think of saying anything, in your shoes.

How long does "postpartum" apply?

(I have no opinion about OP's friend btw)

It only becomes your problem, if they are pestering you for money to help pay for it all. Surely they understand that money for the nursery, means less money for other things, if the Mother is not working.