To think that this is a ridiculous arrangement?

[Bfgirl101]

I have a friend and I’m really struggling not to say something.

She is married with a 2.5 year old child. She’s also pregnant with her second.

Her dh works full time but she doesn’t work at the moment, which is fair enough, she has a small child.

But, her toddler has been in nursery 2.5 days a week since he was 1. It’s costing them an absolute fortune and she fully intends to put baby number 2 into nursery too.

She is constantly telling me how broke they are and worrying about money but she sees the nursery as essential because apparently her ds loves it there and it’s all for his development.

Aibu to think that this is a crazy arrangement and find it hard not to say something?

But you didn’t post this, you posted judging another woman, instead of asking yourself whether there could be more to it than the conclusion you’ve drawn.

She would be better looking around at church playgroups or such like.
The children get to mingle with others, learn to play, parents can chat over tea and biscuits and best of all, its usually a couple of quid per session

If she's a SAHM then she's an idiot. There are plenty of free/cheap play groups she can take her child to where they can get social interaction. Sounds like she's a SAHM but doesn't want to be bothered with the kids.

If she complained I'd not indulge it and clearly tell her its literally her choice so if she doesnt like it she can (easily) change it.

£600 pm buys a LOT of toddler classes / soft plays / church playgroups

How long is a piece of string? 🤷🏻‍♀️ it really depends on personal circumstances.

Sounds like the friend OP is here judging doesn’t have much of a support village as she’s judged for being a “sahp” and judged for seeking nursery for her children by her friend. Her partner is working full time so obviously the post has nothing to do with him, all falls on mum lol which could contribute to the burnout of prolonged postpartum. She’s also pregnant again, so likely exhausted. But gosh, no rest for the sahm. None. Shame on her. (This isn’t directly to you, just following on from the @)x

As she's made it your business, the next time she starts whining just - 'You can't be that broke if you're throwing hundreds of pounds at nursery, and plan to increase that amount'. She'll either take heed or not. Either way, you'll have gotten it off your chest 🤷🏾‍♀️.

What is there to say? They are broke and thought having a second was a great idea, what can you say now they don't already know themselves

But that would be you posting about yourself. Presumably asking for advice. Which is not what’s happening. You are here asking people to join you in judgement of your “friend” who you clearly seem to view with some contempt. If you don’t respect her judgment or enjoy spending time with her then back off and stop hanging out with her - oh, and stop trying to shame her on the internet.

In summary - it’s none of your business.

I’d imagine that they aren’t breaking themselves financially because her son age 2.5 loves nursery so much. I’d imagine that she’s finding it gives her a break and she’s not enjoying being a pregnant full time SAHP. I’m just thinking logically. I don’t judge her for it, but clearly the arrangement meets her needs too. She just might not want to say.

This! The friend could be really struggling, for all anybody knows, she could have health problems, that she has not disclosed to her friend. It is poor form to start a thread like this. Not the actions of a decent friend.

I don't think she's an idiot if she's a SAHM who gets 2.5 days off every week! Thats a lot of peoples goal, and obviously her goal. The idiot would be a woman who married someone who couldn't afford for her to do that and being forced to work a 40 hour week plus raise 2 kids under 4.

Literally.. if Mumsnet has taught me anything, it’s that this isn’t a friend 🤣 imagine thinking you have a safe space to just let your thoughts out, and then being judged for it, and then that person taking it to the internet inviting other people to judge you too.

It’s not what I would do as I’d rather have my child at home with me and the £600. If wait until 3 and the free hours kicked in.
but everyone is entitled to make their own parenting/ life choices so is respect that.

You’d be told that the obvious solution was staring you in the face, but you wouldn’t be ‘ripped apart’.

How dramatic.

I think you're incredibly over-invested in something that's none of your bloody business.

So basically what you’re after is a bunch of strangers ripping your friend apart on the internet. Nice one!

She's an idiot because she's whingeing about it!

Well by that logic the entire human race must be idiots because we all whinge about stuff on occasion.

I'd call her a smart cookie, not an idiot.

The OP doesn't like her friend having free time but I'd bet my last £ the OP has never offered to babysit for the couple to have a night out. Or look after the little one whilst the mother attends pre-natal appointments.

When she next cries broke you could say.
Yes, I would be broke too if I put DC into childcare for two days a week.
But really you would come accross as judgy so say nothing.
Hee child obviously thrives there.

Who needs enemies ay. None of your business to judge unless it affects you. Perhaps it is essential to them and there's things you spend money on that she doesn't approve of.

To be honest the terminology is super inconsistent, some places it's called childcare and others it is early education.
It sounds like she's more on the latter, which is fair enough, I'm more on the latter too.
Ultimately you don't have to "fix" her lack of money in your way, that's her life

OP, presumably your friend values the interaction with other children, and early learning, that her child gets from nursery. She values what the nursery offers, and is willing to pay for it. What is so surprising about that? Nursery isn't just a place to dump your kid if you're working, you know - it's part of the child's development.

When she complains about costs, just say, "Well that's because you pay for childcare and you're not working." There isn't any other reason that she's broke!

She could take her children to playgroup every day if she wanted them to mix with others.

What they chose to spend their money on is up to them and if she doesn't want to get a job when the baby is in nursery, that's up to them.

But constantly complaining to you about lack of funds is annoying, dull and tiresome! So no, you're not being unreasonable. I would too be tempted to say something on the back of another moaning session to you - gently. She may get the hint to shut up at least?!

I think their situation is up to them and none of your business really.