To think that this is a ridiculous arrangement?

[Bfgirl101]

I have a friend and I’m really struggling not to say something.

She is married with a 2.5 year old child. She’s also pregnant with her second.

Her dh works full time but she doesn’t work at the moment, which is fair enough, she has a small child.

But, her toddler has been in nursery 2.5 days a week since he was 1. It’s costing them an absolute fortune and she fully intends to put baby number 2 into nursery too.

She is constantly telling me how broke they are and worrying about money but she sees the nursery as essential because apparently her ds loves it there and it’s all for his development.

Aibu to think that this is a crazy arrangement and find it hard not to say something?

I’m chronically unwell, my husband works ridiculously long hours and is often not home until late in the evenings, sometimes working weekends too. We have no family nearby or support network, and I work a few hours a week myself. Truthfully, I couldn’t cope without nursery.
Originally, I put my son in nursery for a couple of days a week just so I could get things done. He’s always been a terrible sleeper, doesn’t go to bed until around 8.30pm and, as a baby, was incredibly clingy and couldn’t be put down for five minutes.
I was spending all day looking after him, then my husband would get home late and we’d still have dinner to cook, the house to tidy, laundry to do and everything else that comes with running a household. We’d be doing jobs well into the night, only to get up the next morning and do it all over again. My husband can’t reduce his hours or be home any more than he already is.
Sending our son to nursery has honestly been the best decision we’ve made. I now have two days a week to, catch up on housework, organise our lives and actually have a bit of breathing space. It means that when my husband gets home, we can enjoy our evenings as a family rather than spending every spare minute catching up on chores.
Our son absolutely loves nursery, has grown in confidence and has become so much more independent too.
I really don’t understand why some people are so quick to judge stay-at-home mums who use childcare. Just because you’re not in paid employment full-time doesn’t mean you don’t need a break or some help. Not everyone has grandparents on hand, a partner who’s home at 5pm or a child who sleeps brilliantly. Finances are a bit tighter because he goes to nursery but we can afford it. I’m sure lots of woman if they could afford it would.

Why are we so determined to make other women feel guilty for doing what works best for their families? Motherhood is hard enough without other mums judging how we choose to manage it. Surely we should be supporting each other rather than making women feel guilty for needing a bit of help or breathing space.

I think it's fair to put your child in nursery as a SAHP* if you can afford it but to complain about money after doing something unnecessary is really frustrating.

(*Your child might need more stimulation than you can comfortably provide or you want to get your housework done but they don't nap etc.)

It's the drip feed.

If you'd said in your OP that they're having to go into debt for it you would probably have had different responses. Now you're going to keep getting replies from people who've only read the first post.

She’s pregnant with a 2 year old. Her dh probably is like most blokes and is either incompetent or useless and it’s the only break she gets.
mental health is worth it. Shes growing another baby.

You couldn’t be more wrong.

She has lots of support. Her mum, dad, mil and fil all live nearby and look after her dc every week between them. Her dh is a lovely man he isn’t a useless husband who does nothing.

I have looked after her ds but I also work myself as well as having my own dc. I have also paid for lunch and coffee more than I should have. Because of her saying how broke they are. She has told me that they’ve missed bill payments and they are in a lot of debt.

I know it’s generally not good to judge but tbh it’s been hard not to because from what I can see she is taking the piss a bit with people.

It’s wearing a bit thin in our friendship group when she’s constantly complaining about nursery costs and how hard it is when we have all got children as the rest of us work but she is choosing to use and pay for childcare.

Their money, their choice.

Lots of people spend money they don't have on things they can't afford and then moan about it. That is annoying.

But I think SAHPs have a right to time to themselves, they don't have to spend every waking second with their child.

The two things are different.

Her ex?

She is married and he’s a lovely man. He does the nursery run before and after work so she can sleep. He does a lot, cooking, housework, shopping and his mum looks after her ds regularly, I have started to feel quite sorry for him.

None of your business. Do you want to fall out with your friend.
Keep the conversation light and friendly.

What are you hoping to get out of saying something?

I don't understand how people don't understand how to manage friendships and navigate situations.
They are prepared to fall out with people and make things awkward just because they want to say something. 😲

Maybe she's hinting at you helping out!

Typo I corrected. Forgive me it’s been a long morning and it’s not even lunch yet 🫠
so you feel sorry for him for being an adequate partner and doing what is expected?
you sound really judgemental. I have 4, had a terrible pregnancy with 3 and had to be on bed rest. I needed the help. Do you only have 1 child? Even a normal pregnancy with anemia can exhaust you.
if you’re that bothered stop paying for things but you sound quite jealous tbh. Not everyone has to be an exhausted martyr

it's nunya

Why do we feel sorry for a man doing normal adult things?

Yes. People have been complaining about money since I can remembe 1970s) Never seems to stop them doing things they do whether its cigarettes, take outs. Just change the subject if the moaning gets to you and don't get invested.

I’m not jealous I’m the slightest.

I have two children and I have been through the baby and toddler years plus two pregnancies and a third pregnancies which I lost. I KNOW how hard it can be.

But I’m also allowed to feel fed up of hearing someone complain constantly about money and telling me how they’re not paying bills and going into debt when there is a very obvious solution.

A lot of men are useless and disappear playing golf or cycling or to the pub or do nothing round the house. But her dh is genuinely not that type of man (and no neither is my husband).

But in all honesty it’s becoming a drag hearing her complaining.

That's because you would be asking for advice on your own behalf, not discussing a friend. There is a difference.

I feel sorry for him because usually in a marriage you work as a team and do 50/50.

Just like I would feel sorry for a woman if she was married to a man who was doing the same.

You don’t know:

1. who is doing the nights. 2.5 is still not always 14 hours a night. And who is going to be doing it when baby is born
2. how her pregnancy is going - is she being sick? Aneamic? Any other issues?
3. what she does on her days ‘off’.
4. what it’s like when she’s not pregnant
5. whether hubby is wonderful and wants to help because he understands pregnancy is so hard and that we as a society make it out to be nothing.

a lot of assumptions here and it’s not a good look. She’s already doing more than 50:50 with the sacrifices her body is making

Also I was replying to a poster who said they her dh is probably useless.

My point is really that between nursery and grandparent help she is actually with her ds very little, and it was like that before she got pregnant. Her husband seems to be doing the majority of cooking, shopping and cleaning and yet she still complains none stop.

It has become a bit much to listen to.

So you know how tiring it is and how that makes everything seem worse and how easy it is to be negative. Just step back a bit or change the subject if it’s pissing you off this much!

Some people find it hard to cope with life. I find it hard to cope with some aspects of life tbh, that I'm sure other people would find easy. So I don't really judge others who are also struggling. Although her moaning about money would annoy me.

You don't live with them so you don't know how they split responsibilities. I am sure you would be horrified to learn that my partner did all the shopping and cooking for the last 2 months. Maybe less horrified if you learned that I was plastering our bedroom, sanding floors and painting ceilings which are the jobs he absolutely hates and I find rather enjoyable. So that's how we decided to split the load as a couple.

You are not wrong OP. The financial illiteracy and entitlement of people is baffling. When ours were small DH worked 6-3 and I worked 4-12 and we were knackered but didn't moan. SIL did as your neighbour does and then had the audacity to be enraged we had a holiday and they could not afford one. 20 years later she STILL feels aggrieved and cannot see that paying for a cleaner, nursery for 2 kids and having a new car every 2 years was where her 'holiday' money was. Batshit!

If you are referring to the period when post party depression can develop it is usually within the 1st 2 years after birth. Of course it can vary depending on other circumstances such as a sick or disabled baby, birth trauma, etc.