To think that this is a ridiculous arrangement?

[Bfgirl101]

I have a friend and I’m really struggling not to say something.

She is married with a 2.5 year old child. She’s also pregnant with her second.

Her dh works full time but she doesn’t work at the moment, which is fair enough, she has a small child.

But, her toddler has been in nursery 2.5 days a week since he was 1. It’s costing them an absolute fortune and she fully intends to put baby number 2 into nursery too.

She is constantly telling me how broke they are and worrying about money but she sees the nursery as essential because apparently her ds loves it there and it’s all for his development.

Aibu to think that this is a crazy arrangement and find it hard not to say something?

Oh god, my life would drive you wild!
I’ve been a housewife before I was a SAHM. Our kids have been in nursery 3 days a week from 1 year old.
(They’re now both in school full time)
my DH works full time, also cooks, has his share of household jobs and is a fully involved parent! he also “lets” me go out in the evening or go away with friends when I want!

Your fed up with her and to be honest don't even sound as if you like her very much.

So why don't you just stop being her friend?

Honestly don’t know what you’re talking about.

I haven’t mentioned anyone letting their wife go out and you’ve got the completely wrong idea.

As I will say, again, if you can afford to stay at home and pay for nursery. Then good for you. They can’t afford it.

I don’t know what going out or going away with friends has to do with any of it.

Why do so many people think they are getting child care funding?
They WON'T be getting any.
They aren't entitled.
It it their £600 a month. Not the tax payers.
£600 they DON'T HAVE.

Sorry I cross posted, is this behaviour you/ he would expect based on knowing her or does he think she’s experiencing a mental health type issue or other problems? E.g. I was heavily pregnant with a toddler last year and I did discuss contingency with my husband for what we would do if I was unable to look after our toddler all day at any point. I had horrendous morning sickness vomiting multiple times per day, heartburn, plies, carpal tunnel, back ache, struggling to bend down etc. etc. I know plenty of people who had to be admitted to hospital towards the end of pregnancy so it’s not necessarily unreasonable to not be able to look after a toddler all day on your own while pregnant and to expect your partner to do their share. However it very much depends on the context .

I don’t know, it’s hard to say because she got pregnant quite quickly after them meeting and they got married so although I knew them both before, I can’t really say what she was like as a partner.

I don’t think she enjoys being with her ds, I do know babies and toddlers can be exhaustingly hard work and quite boring. I absolutely believe her dh should do his fair share and give her a break, but he is doing more than his share and she/they got a lot of help from grandparents as well as the nursery/each other.

There isn’t anything physically wrong at the moment and she was the same before she got pregnant again. She just doesn’t seem to want to be on her own with their ds.

If you want drama, watch East Enders. You clearly don’t like this woman (and I’d go as far as to say you despise her and clearly you judge, judge, judge her) - so give yourself a break and back away from this woman you judge, don’t like and hold in contempt

I don’t want drama at all. In fact the opposite. I live a very quiet life, I have a group of friends and we all meet up once a week, some of us meet up a bit more than others such as if our dc attend the same things, I see her quite regularly because she lives nearby.

The only reason I’m talking about this is because every single time I see her the topic of conversation always turns to her money problems and her stressful life. At first I was really sympathetic but I’m tired of talking about it now. Not because I don’t care or feel worried for them, but there’s nothing I can do that I haven’t already done, and she’s unwilling to change anything.

Yes you’re right the friendship has probably fizzled out and u need to distance myself a bit but it’s not always that easy with someone you’ve known a long time, some of our other friends have said the same sorts of things and her husband and some of the others husbands are mates. So it’s not easy to break away.

I don’t despise her but I am fed up of her, I have other friends who are single parents and it’s tone deaf tbh.

Would I be paying out £600 a month in nursery if we were broke and I wasn't working? No probably not. Do I bitch and moan to my friends about problems that are entirely of our own causing? Absolutely. I moan about our 300 year old house that keeps trying to fall down, I moan about how exhausted I am being pregnant with number 3, I moan about how much I do for my mum etc etc. I'm free to buy a new build, stop at 2 kids and tell my mum I can't run her errands today, so it's all my fault. Likewise my friends moan about things in their lives that they have chosen or could absolutely change. Not much point having friends if you can't share your problems with them though is it?

I don't think yabu for thinking that she's spending too much on childcare for a broke person, I think yabu because you're thinking about saying something to her, unless she's started asking you to pay for stuff then it's really not your place.

He needs to get a vasectomy....

Don’t see how is affects you , you sound jealous

why would she be jealous of someone in debt?

Why else would she be so concerned about someone else’s choices. She also seems to be singing the praises of her husband.

However she’s with her DC 24/7 minus a few hours on 2.5 days a week? Do mothers have to want to be with their children with barely a break to be good mothers? Why when in my job you would be considered full time and quite passionate about your job with 16.5 hours off per a working day, 2 full 24 hour days off a week plus 8 weeks annual leave 🤷🏻‍♀️ she’s not getting a fraction of this?
Yes all the people in my field who are full time with money worries really could just take loads of overtime and have barely any time off, why are they moaning?
So what if she doesn’t like being with her child 24/7, many mothers feel the same but do so anyway and run out of energy and patience to do as good a job as they would like

It becomes your business if she keeps complaining to you about the impact on their finances. If she asks for advice I would tell her that the obvious solution is for her to work.

If I had been a SAHM my DC wouldn’t have gone to nursery until they got free hours. Babies and young toddlers don’t need nursery for development.
There is definitely a benefit to having the older child in nursery when a new baby arrives but it doesn’t need to be full days and if they’re struggling for money it’s obviously not the best idea.
It’s untimely up to your friend and her DH though but does sound like she’d be better off looking for a part time job when the baby is old enough for nursery.

Why don’t you suggest to her she looks to see if there is a school based nursery at the primary she wants her child to go to? Then her eldest will be able to do 2 or 3 mornings or a couple of 9-3 days? So much cheaper than daycare settings.

Then that will be completely covered when universal 15 hours funding kicks in.

Will also get her and her child into routine for when they start school. I mean if she’s not working, surely she’s not going to put eldest in breakfast and after school and holiday clubs all the time when they start school? Surely she will then most days do school run and not DH if she is SAHP and he is full time? So this could be a good trial run.

I agree it seems bit mad their set up. Must be a reason for it? Has she got really poor mental health and that’s her only way of coping? Yet she’s having a second child so maybe not?

If no reason I too would be a little fed up of covering all lunch costs and hearing about this when she doesn’t work and complains about childcare costs etc. I get why that’s tiresome in your friendship group.

I had a friend like this once who had little kids, SAHP. Money tight (to them) yet they were paying for a cleaner 4 hours every week 🙈. Some people’s ‘essentials’ are very different!

Yanbu because it's very frustrating to have someone's problems dumped on you and feel like you can't offer them the blindingly obvious solution.

I have very little sympathy for people who bleat about having no money but are spending large amounts on completely unnecessary expenses. Her child could socialise at a toddler playgroup - she's a sahm and doing these things is literally her job.
I get that some people have a baby and then find that they cannot cope and that's fair enough - as a first time parent you don't really know how it's going to be until it's a done deal. But if she is one of those parents, adding a second child is a situation entirely of her own making.

Having a child isn’t a job in the same way that paid employment is. I have a paid job and I also have two children and that comparison is just ridiculous.

Wanting a break and some time away doesn’t make you a bad parent, but looking after your own child isn’t comparable to taking loads of overtime at work.

She has a dh and family and friends who all look after her child. She could also take paid employment like so many of us do to pay for the nursery.

Well I’m glad my DH doesn’t think that my time spent caring for the children and house is not equivalent to the time be spends working. We generally love our time with our children and our jobs but not every minute or aspect of both, naturally, so we also enjoy our time off work and the kids. Of course if our children’s welfare or people’s lives depended on us never having time off either we’d do our best as we love our children and care about the people our professional lives make a difference to but as it is childcare is a priority for us achieving a good life balance. Everyone’s circumstances are different and if my toddler had a 2 hour nap every afternoon and settled to bed for 7 and only woke once or twice a night I probably wouldn't feel I needed any time off being a mother

But we are going round in circles, I didn’t say that caring for children wasn’t equal or as valuable or important as a partner working in a paid job.

But it’s not the same in terms of taking lots of overtime at work or never having any time off. I am a parent employed in paid work and I don’t treat my children as a job in the same way as going to work, y s they can be hard work but they are my family.

I am specifically talking about a person who has chosen to be a sahm rather than take paid employment, she has a husband, she has help from family and friends in terms of babysitting. But most importantly as I have said repeatedly, they have not got the money for the childcare.

When does her husband get a day off or even a couple of hours off?

She has 2.5 full days off completely to herself, she also has extra days off when her mum and mil look after her child, when does her dh get a break?

Some posters are being really obtuse, OP.

I know what you mean - if someone is a SAHP then of course their job is just as valid and important as someone working outside the home. But you are saying this mum is essentially delegating most of the childcare to nursery/grandparents during the hours her husband is at work - so essentially the 'cost' of her being a stay at home mum (i.e. loss of opportunity to earn money) isn't benefitting the child or the family.

It is the equivalent of me paying a PA to do a bunch of my work, but then not using the time I am saving to generate more earnings, and then me complaining that I can't afford things because a chunk of my money is going on the PA costs.

It is, and I think it's a bad idea. And rearing children is work the community needs and should acknowledge as work. So a mother at home is just as much 'at work' and 'doing a job' as a woman who is working outside the home. Time we acknowledged this.

I would absolutely agree that her DH should get time off too but things depend so much on their precise circumstances and are you totally privy to every aspect of them. The fact that’s she’s pregnant will likely make her more in need of rest at the moment and him having to take a larger share of the family workload, However even when she wasn’t pregnant, she could she have had health issues or maybe she took more of the share of care during the night, mental load etc. Was his work less taxing/included more breaks than the care of their child? How does he feel about the share of the family work he does? At the end of the day it sounds like she’s just trying to make sure her child gets the best care within her resources and energy and no doubt also her developing child also who will be affected by herself getting exhausted and stressed and so this childcare is a priority for her.
I do feel you are completely missing the point of the important support that this childcare is giving this family and much as it may relieve the financial strain for the family, if they don’t spend the money on this it may create even greater issues for them all than the current financial strain. There were times when we paid for extra childcare even when we barely had the spare money and it was absolutely the best thing we could of done, even in retrospect and as I explained before, not only did it give us vital support we needed at the time, it actually also enhanced both our earning potentials which are now paying dividends

How about more like you are employing a PA so that you can reduce your working hours to something like more equivalent to a heavy full time job rather than working non stop without a break