To think that this is a ridiculous arrangement?

[Bfgirl101]

I have a friend and I’m really struggling not to say something.

She is married with a 2.5 year old child. She’s also pregnant with her second.

Her dh works full time but she doesn’t work at the moment, which is fair enough, she has a small child.

But, her toddler has been in nursery 2.5 days a week since he was 1. It’s costing them an absolute fortune and she fully intends to put baby number 2 into nursery too.

She is constantly telling me how broke they are and worrying about money but she sees the nursery as essential because apparently her ds loves it there and it’s all for his development.

Aibu to think that this is a crazy arrangement and find it hard not to say something?

Why is this anything to do with you? You can have your own opinion, but why would you need to say something? People prioritise different things when it comes to money. Her son is happy there and maybe she needs this time to herself to stay organised and sane. If it gets to crunch time financially, she could still take a job. I have never taken my kids on holidays outside of the UK because I paid for independent school. This was my priority, I am sure other people would disagree.

The Mums I know who do this have really struggled with their children or had health/MH issues. I've known one who didn't really want children, but went ahead because the baby going to Nursery was a deal done with their DH, who really wanted children.

Just shut her down when she's complaining. Unless your area has a lack of toddler classes. But there can be very valid reasons for the childcare being needed.

That would be because it would be YOU posting about YOUR business and asking for opinions.

Oh my god. What’s it got to do with you?!

I voted YABU because none of this is any of your beeswax

Because this may be your opinion, but you certainly have no business saying something about it. People have different priorities. Her son is happy there and it's good for his social development. And maybe she needs this time for herself to stay organised and sane to be a great parent when she is with her kids. Not everyone is the best parent they can be if it's 24/7. She could always take a job if needed.

People will probably say it isn't up to you to say, but that doesn't mean you're wrong! And there are many arguments about child development, but most experts say that it is best for young ones to be at home. Obviously if they're with a parent who shoves them on screens, that is an issue, but with a good parent doing lots of things, it isn't true that nursery is better. Let's be honest, a couple of generations ago hardly anyone went to nursery, and kids were in a better state when they started school-you didn't hear about kids going to school in nappies/ assaulting other kids then!
Like most people, due to work, I have to use nursery, and there are many positive things, but if I didn't work, I'd not be spending money for them to go when my husband was doing all hours, and given a choice, I'd prefer family to do any babysitting when they were very small.

She seems to think that the nursery is all for her toddlers development and because he has friends there.

I have seen it get sold as if it's a benefit to child development rather than facilitating work - but that age toddler groups would be cheaper and just as effective.

Does seem mad to get into debt with it as well.

However I do know know what you could say that would change their minds or behavior - persuabably they know of stay and play and library sessions and think nursury is better option despite the cost.

I do get why people are saying it’s not my business.

But, she is someone I know well.

She chooses to tell me and others all her financial business. SHE is the one who spends a lot of time telling me what a mess they are in with money.

SHE is the one who keeps complaining about the extortionate nursery costs.

She is the one who tells me that her dh takes her ds to nursery and them picks him up, goes shopping after work with the ds, she tells me that her mum and mil are looking after her ds but then constantly complains how hard her life is.

I wouldn’t really have an opinion either way if she wasn’t telling me everything. It rubs a lot of us up the wrong way when we either went back to work or looked after our own sc yet she is pleading poverty.

she could be struggling with motherhood, the 600 a month in fees is more then likely worth her mental health. Yeah she’s skint but she needs those 2.5 days to breath and recoup. Some mums just don’t adjust so easily.

To many of us it's weird but it's no one's business but their own.

How old is your friend OP? Because you say you have already been through the parenting journey so is it fair to assume she is an older mum?

She clearly isn’t that poor. So if it bothers you that much just say that

I think she's being ridiculous, but there are lots of people who spend on stupid things and then complain about being broke, at least she's paying for something that she believes is good for her child.

She’s 32, I’m a couple of years older and had my children a bit younger.

I see your point entirely OP and I think some posters are being deliberately obtuse. I don't think there's anything you can do, definitely do not pay for anything for her, but decide if you want her friendship that much. Have you ever said to her "why don't you go back to work when no. 2 is a few months old, get you some adult companionship, be interesting for you etc" - how would she react if you said that?

The reason I say decide if you want her friendship is because this happens at all ages in all groups - there are ALWAYS people pleading poverty. I think I'm hard up if I can't afford much during my food shopping - I'm in my 60s currently still paying rent and no private pensions to fall back on. I work and socialise with women who already have several pensions in payment, plus state pensions, investments, premium bonds, mortgages paid off, and you mark my word if they can't have unlimited spending money on their third holiday of the year they will launch into a diatribe about how unfair it is they are a hard up pensioner. So I have to decide whether to listen to that in exchange for the good times in the friendship or whether I think nah fuck that, it's dishonest and crass.

So thats what you have to decide. You are not wrong to be irked by it, but stop buying (and paying!) in to it.

Oh and this as well: she could be just buying lots of shoes and complaining she's broke, but I suppose at least nursery does benefit her DS.

Riiight? But you haven't posted that.

I put YABU as you are judging your friend in quite a nasty way.
Do you have children too? Because it sounds like you don't see the benefit at all of children playing with others.

Have you read my replies?

Simple answer - she needs to get a job! Then toddler and baby can go to nursery for their development and she can pay for it!

I can see both sides! I’m currently on maternity leave with our second and I’m still sending my 2.5 year old to nursery 3 days a week.

I feel guilty about it and we could save £400 a month if I kept him home or reduced to two days. However we can afford it, and he would have to go back when my maternity leave ends so thought it was reasonable to stick to the same routine. I will also admit it’s more for me than for him. He is non stop from the moment he gets up and I would struggle managing him and the baby 5 full days on my own (I do feel like a rubbish mum for this).

Plenty of people?! Maybe she wants her child to socialise with his peers, which is an important thing to do developmentally. Maybe she needs some time without him to get other stuff done?

you seem to have a very narrow minded view of who sends their kids to nursery and what their reasons might be, one thing that's certain is that it's none of your business and that's why people are voting YABU - because you are.

For how many sessions?

Ok well you can say that, but her family are in a mess financially because of that choice.

If you can afford to do it that’s another matter, but they are in debt.

The child has been going to nursery since he was 1. Babies and toddlers can socialise by going to playgroups and children all get free nursery when they are 3 years old. Which is plenty of time to get used to it before they start school.

Their choice not to pay bills...