AIBU to express hurt/disappointment over Christmas plans

[user77690]

My son and DIL have a young child. For the first two Christmases of my grandchild’s life, they spent Christmas Day with DIL’s parents. We recently asked what they were planning for Christmas this year and my son told us that, from now on, they want to spend Christmas Day just the three of them. They’re going to see DIL’s family on Boxing Day and have said they’ll see us at some point…

I completely understand them wanting to make their own traditions and I know they’re entitled to spend Christmas however they choose. But I’m really quite hurt.
I think what makes it difficult is that DIL’s parents had the first two Christmas Days with our grandchild. We never had a Christmas Day with them, and now it feels as though the opportunity has disappeared altogether. I suppose I’d always assumed the families might alternate at some point.

I don’t want to guilt-trip them or cause an argument, and I wouldn’t expect them to change their plans just because I’m upset. But would I be unreasonable to tell my son that I feel hurt and disappointed by it? Or is this something I should keep to myself and simply accept?

I’d keep this to yourself.

Clearly they don’t want to spend anymore Christmases with her parents either.

If you’re not expecting to change their minds what would you hope to achieve by telling them? Making them feel bad to then offer you a day for you to reject them?

I’d expect in another year or few they might decide to do an open house at theirs for visitors on the day.

I hated traveling as a child on Christmas Day and as an adult I love being home with my children on Christmas Day but would be happy for visitors. But alas we do one year home one year in-laws.

I had my Granny in my life until I was 41 years old and I did not ever spend Christmas day with her, either as a child or an adult. It didn't mean I loved her any less. It's one day in the year.

What would you hope to achieve by telling them thay you're hurt?

Honestly its just one day, you can have another special day where your grandchild opens presents with you. Making your son and DIL feel guilty for prioritising themselves and their child won't do much for your relationship.

Does “spend the day with” mean having people at their home? Maybe they just don’t want to host? Tell them if they change their minds, they’re always welcome to come to you. They might take you up on it one year.

I think it’s fine to express your disappointment. We had a situation this year where my parents were very hurt by my brother’s plans for Christmas. They had a conversation about it and resolved it and everyone is fine now (I realise this rarely happens on Mumsnet!). We try to alternate Christmas Day with the grandparents because we know that both sets love DS and they both want to spend some of the ‘big’ occasions with him because both mine and DH’s families view those as important.

I don't think you're unreasonable to be disappointed but I agree with pps that saying something won't be productive.
I suggest you take a proactive approach and try to get a date in the diary for 'your' Christmas with the grandchild, even if it's a few days before or after the real day.
We spend every other Christmas with my parents in another country, and when it's not my MILs turn to be with us she organises us to go to hers a day or two before we leave for a Christmas meal and present opening. Nobody minds that it's a few days before 'real' Christmas (DC are delighted because it means more present opening!).

The best Christmas days are still to come though. Babies and toddlers don’t get it.
Maybe ask in a few years if you can pop round for a quick Christmas drink on the day or something. They can do their own thing and you can see the GC
Hopefully you might get an invite once the pressure is off to include the wider family for he whole day

That's awful of them. Why can't they invite both sets of grandparents, and unless you refuse to help, everyone mucks in so it's not hard work? Your DIL sounds disgusting for going to her parents and ignoring you, and your son is just as bad for going with her, unless there's something you don't say? Had a friend in an abusive relationship whose boyfriend pushed her to only go to his friends/family and tried to cut her off from hers-is this happening here?
My mum would have killed me if I'd not invited all the family or tried to exclude anyone! We lost some family recently, and watching the memories on our phones of them smiling as they saw stockings opened, and laughing as they got in each others' way helping build toys is something so special.

To say the DIL is disgusting is a bit much!

OP I wouldn't say you're hurt and disappointed as this is inflammatory and they may get defensive. I would just frame it as you would like to invite them over at some point around the festive period as a compromise.

This is a great comment. And thinking about it, I rarely spent Christmas Day with my favourite people either but enjoyed both the day itself and the day or time we spent with them, which was still Christmassy and special and we still had Christmas CDs and Quality Street and tinsel and mince pies etc. Sometimes The Day is a bit too stressful and has Expectations that don’t always happen as they should. And the next day/s are full of leftovers and complaints about Christmas Day telly and how the pudding wasn’t as good as the one the year before last, and that is also special and fun, but in a slightly different way.

So judgemental.

We found it so hard travelling at Christmas. The young DCs hated the sitting in the car, traffic at Christmas is awful and we all ended up tired and stressed and longing for our own beds. I found myself more tired after Christmas than before and wanted to spend my precious annual leave with DCs not sat on the motorway. We did it for a couple of years but have since stayed at home. We now do family get together in January and it's a joyful and relaxed time.

It’s hard. My Dsis decided she would spend no time around Christmas with any family, Mum
was sad but has never put any pressure on. She now tends to come Christmas Eve. I wouldn’t say anything. Organize another day.

I’m so glad I have daughters.

Why don't you invite them round Christmas Eve?
Or if you can afford it take them away for twixmas?

We refused to go visiting family at Christmas once the kids came along but we invited people to stay with us. So I frequently had in laws and my mum, plus which ever other relatives happened to be around. You haven’t said how geographically close you are. Could you call in on the day or offer to stay locally to them if you think they don’t want to host overnight guests? Do not tell them you are hurt or upset.

I think you can talk to your son about this without stressing the hurt/disappointed element. They will have their reasons for it - difficulty travelling with small kids perhaps, different ways of celebrating the day, DIL could be pregnant or hoping to be.

I would phrase it as “we’d love to have Christmas with you all one year, know it’s tough with small children so if there’s a way we can make that doable in the future happy to be flexible”. More flies with honey than vinegar and all that!

I'd try to be relaxed about it and plan a special day to exchange gifts, have a nice meal and family time whenever works for them in December. My MIL became fixated on the idea that her son (my BIL) really wanted to spend every Christmas with his wife's family. The reality was, he went along with it for a couple of years when their son was first born because of nieces and nephews of a similar (baby/toddler) age were at his in laws and they lived the other side of the country.

Since MIL has passed away and as the kids have got older, they're spending more Christmas Days at home. Our nephew doesn't have any nearby relatives of a similar age, so we've found ourselves being invited along for Christmas Day. It's lovely for us, but also sad MIL isn't around to see it wasn't some sort of negative judgment on her.

That’s really upsetting and I can understand why you feel hurt, particularly as her parents had the first two Christmases.
I’d probably avoid telling your son how upset you are though, as it may just make him feel guilty or defensive. Instead I’d speak to him again and say you’d really love to see them over Christmas and ask whether you could come to them on Christmas Eve, or whether they’d like to come to you.
I also don’t think you should feel you have to take them away over Twixmas. They’ve chosen to spend Christmas Day on their own, which is completely their choice, but you don’t then need to fork out a load of money for a trip away. I’d just try to arrange a lovely Christmas get-together with them on another day.

I'd personally keep quiet and then maybe bring Christmas 2027 up sometime next year at a time that feels right for your family (in my family, we start discussing Christmas in January, but I accept we're a bit weird 😂) and say no pressure, but if they do fancy coming over for Xmas, you'd love to host them (but only if you can accept if they decide they'd rather stay at home. It's nothing personal xx)

Your feelings are normal but completely unreasonable. They’re entitled to spend Christmas how they wish.

I’m sure your GC will have just as much fun and it’ll be lovely whenever you see them. Doesn’t all have to happen on 25th Dec.

I think what makes it difficult is that DIL’s parents had the first two Christmas Days with our grandchild. We never had a Christmas Day with them, and now it feels as though the opportunity has disappeared altogether.”

This, can see why you feel hurt. How close do you live to them? You could offer an invite to yours for lunch, save them cooking? but leave it at that.

I have adult children. They have often alternated between us and partners' parents. Occasionally they have made other plans entirely at Christmas.

I've never once expressed disappointment or hurt because I don't ever want any of them to spend Christmas with me out of guilt or because they feel they 'have' to. They know they are always welcome to come and I'll cook, and often they do.

What are you hoping to achieve by expressing hurt or disappointment? It will absolutely make your son feel either guilty, resentful or irritated with you. Just leave it.

Edited to say, the most I would do is say lightly, 'Don't worry about it. It would have been lovely to see you all, but let us know what day would work better. You are welcome to come here or we can come to you if that's easier'.

I can understand why you feel disappointed, but rather than make your son feel guilty for how they have chosen to spend Christmas Day, focus on getting something in the diary instead. The child won't understand Christmas yet, so you can still do gift exchanges and make it special on an alternative day.