AIBU to express hurt/disappointment over Christmas plans

[user77690]

My son and DIL have a young child. For the first two Christmases of my grandchild’s life, they spent Christmas Day with DIL’s parents. We recently asked what they were planning for Christmas this year and my son told us that, from now on, they want to spend Christmas Day just the three of them. They’re going to see DIL’s family on Boxing Day and have said they’ll see us at some point…

I completely understand them wanting to make their own traditions and I know they’re entitled to spend Christmas however they choose. But I’m really quite hurt.
I think what makes it difficult is that DIL’s parents had the first two Christmas Days with our grandchild. We never had a Christmas Day with them, and now it feels as though the opportunity has disappeared altogether. I suppose I’d always assumed the families might alternate at some point.

I don’t want to guilt-trip them or cause an argument, and I wouldn’t expect them to change their plans just because I’m upset. But would I be unreasonable to tell my son that I feel hurt and disappointed by it? Or is this something I should keep to myself and simply accept?

Why?

Hi OP. We made a similar choice and I am DIL in your scenario.

We had a couple of christmases with my parents, mainly because they lived just down the road and honestly they’re tiny people so we could fit them in to our tiny house! However, that soon changed as children got bigger. We did have 1 Christmas Day with in laws, but my daughter didn’t eat the whole day, was really overstimulated and it was a miserable day, which I then resented.

We then made Christmas Day the family unit only so the kids get to open their presents in pyjamas at 4am, my Christmas dinner is just how I like it, and I can do it all in PJs and not have to share the best of my kids when I usually get the worst lol!

We make a big effort to see other family Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. I’m sure it has annoyed them at some point, but I’m glad that they have kept that to themselves as it wouldn’t have changed my mind.

I hate all th Christmas logistics and guilt. As a parent of young DC, if love to just stay at home and let them play and relax a bit but we always have to go somewhere. I love both my parents and my ILs so much, but it would be lovely to just have a relaxing Christmas without driving about and not being at home.

This! Your son should actually plan in a date/time when they are seeing you, as it’s not fair that they’ve booked in to see DILs parents but not you.

I hope that when they are older and their child wants to do the same that they are happy with the family traditions they have modelled to their child.

What utter bollocks. I love my mum and dad but I still recognised that my dh had as much right to see his parents at Christmas as I did, and they had the right to spend time with our kids too. Why are women like this so selfish?!

I feel for you. Last year I was upset by plans made by my family.
It’s so hard to accept decisions made by others for the best for themselves when it affects you too, and especially in this case where your DIL’s family got their time the previous 2 years.
I would do as you suggest and not say how upset you are by this but I would suggest they come to you on Christmas Eve - maybe in the morning for a special breakfast - do they do Christmas Eve boxes? (I’m not a fan!) however maybe you could do a Christmas Eve box for your grandchild or give them a pre Christmas present so you see them opening a gift?

I think as years go on and families change our Christmas’s change and all those traditions we have honoured for years change too and it’s really hard to accept. For me this year I won’t have any of my adult children home on Christmas Day. I’m sad, but I’m trying to decide what new traditions I’m going to start and how to make a different day of celebration with them instead.

I’ve got sons and I’d just be happy for them they have their own family to spend Christmas Day with, I’d never put pressure on them to spend the day with me, sometimes they spend it with their Dad sometimes with me and they are children, Christmas is more than just a date.

Who do you spend xmas with @user77690
Are you married? Do you have other children?

I’m curious about this. If I say “obviously I want to see my parents over Christmas, let’s spend Boxing Day with them” and my DH says “Ok, that’s fine and I’ll see my parents sometime” and doesn’t do anything to organise that time with his parents, is that my fault? Am I being selfish somehow? Is it my job to organise our time with his family as well as our time with my family? If so, why?

It’s a fair point how much do you see them in general / did your son make an effort prior to the baby arriving?

If he has always been rather wishy washy and an uninvolved giving off see you whenever vibes then this shouldn’t have really come as a shock. Also if you never invite.

My dh deals with arranging his family time just as I do mine. I’d never ask my mil hey are you going to host us, that feels rude so if she never invited and her son never arranged then tbh yes it wouldn’t happen.

We host a few bbqs in the year they are all invited to attend, my idea still not his. She invites for Christmas. If she didn’t invite he probably wouldn’t ask and I’m not hosting Christmas Day when the children are still children.

Good grief. No wonder young families want to get away from overbearing parents/parents in law. They have their own lives now!

I'd suggest working on the idea that Christmas Day itself does not have to be the most important part of Christmas. Any day spent with a grandchild is to be treasured. Think about what you might like to do on other days. Would you like to offer to host the 3 of them for a separate Christmas day at another time in December? Could you suggest a tradition of you taking your grandchildren out for a few hours on Christmas Eve morning so the parents can sort last minute presents etc and you can have some lovely one on one time with grandchild? Maybe you could be the one to take them to a panto, or an Elves breakfast when older.

Sorry it is upsetting for you, but I don't think you would gain much from saying anything. At most, maybe expressing you'd always be happy to host them if they ever want a change of scenery?

We do every Christmas day with one set of grandparents (at our house) and every boxing day with the other (at theirs). It works really well, everyone knows where they stand and it's exciting that Santa also visits the other Grandma's house! Could you identify a dedicated day over the Christmas period and start a tradition of doing something lovely then?

How much of their family social diary does your son run, normally? How much of the Christmas shopping, decorating, food planning, present wrapping, card sending and other prep does your son do? Over Christmas, will he be doing half the cooking, tea-rounds & washing up?
With couples where they tend to spend more time with the with the wife’s family it’s sometimes because she’s the one organising everything, and she’s naturally more comfortable/relaxed around her own family, so things skew that way.

I can put myself in both positions here.

I don't agree with PP saying not to bring this up with him. Why shouldn't you? You are feeling a little hurt by this so why should you not be able to express this to him and discuss this with him like two grown up's. No-one needs to be hurt or upset or irritated.

I think if PIL got the first year then you should have got last year. Is there any reason why you didn't ask them to yours for the 2nd year? Or try and make it clear that it would be nice if you saw them on Xmas Day last year?

I also do completely understand why they want Christmas on their own. As someone who travelled hours in the car on Christmas Day with two young children, for a few years. I know what its like dragging children away from their homes on Christmas morning to sit in a car for hours and its NOT fun. So I think this is their decision to make.

However, I do think you should talk to your son and let him know how you feel, gently and kindly and without judgement and talk this through.

I wouldn't expect them to change their minds (or should you want them to, this is their decision) but it might give you the opportunity to get something more solid in the diary. Christmas Eve perhaps? Or they come to you on Boxing Day instead of giving her parents preference once again.

Good Luck OP x

It’s just one day, there’s nothing worse than getting into a routine at Christmas then feeling like you can never get out of it. Go and treat yourself to a nice meal and chill out, enjoy the peace and see them at another time.

I wouldn't express your hurt, no, that wouldn't help - they're already made their choice. There's nothing they can say to make you less hurt so you need to accept their choice and enjoy alternative time together. Think of Xmas as the whole period, not just the day, and find a time you can get together.

I would raise it but not directly. "Son, I feel like we haven't been able to spend xmas with GC yet. Seems as you have decided to make solid arrangements each year for xmas day and boxing day, could we make a solid arrangement for us so we get to see you all? Perhaps a regular event on xmas eve or we pop over for breakfast on xmas morning and then leave you to the rest of the day?"

Ah I’m sorry OP. It’s a tricky one - the airy fairy “oh we’ll see you sometime” isn’t great, when they’ve already made firm plans to see DIL’s family on Boxing Day. You may need to propose what you’d like to do, with plenty of enthusiasm - invite to yours? Festive trip out locally? - and make it nice and easy for them.

I wouldn’t personally want to spend Christmas Day just me, DP and a toddler, especially where there are family members nearby, but they may have really busy jobs and not get much downtime over Christmas I suppose? I love having other adults around to play with my toddler - makes my life way easier 🤣 Also my DP does the lion’s share of the cooking!

I do not spend Christmas day with my inlaws. What we do is go to my mums 7-10 days beforehand and have a Christmassy day. We then see my DH family after Christmas. You are the one putting all the onus on Christmas Day. They said they will see you at some point, offer a date and make that day magical and special for your grandchild

What are you hoping to achieve by expressing hurt or disappointment?

Maybe she'd like her son to view her as a real human being with feelings?

YANBU to be hurt; I think it’s unkind they haven’t invited you or asked to go to yours previously.

We host but alternate which sets of DGPs come to us, then we see the other set a few days after or for New Year.

I wouldn’t say anything about being hurt, but I’d maybe say “well you're always welcome at ours for lunch/to stay over if you change your mind; otherwise would you like to come here or meet up between Christmas and New Year?”

I did similar when my baby turned 4, stopped seeing everyone over Christmas.
My mum has a very longstanding tradition of having all my grandparents and relatives over on Boxing Day, so that’s where we go.
We always see my in-laws on 23rd. Together to have Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve, ready for the start on the tree, the Christmas Eve jingle and searching for Santa. Then Christmas Day together, Boxing Day at mums, then we usually see the in-laws on 27th.
My in-laws are GREAT for NYE and NYD though, so we spend both of those at their house and I do all their traditions.
It’s been nice to follow our own traditions for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day!
less stress, less cooking and there isn’t a parent out of the room doing roasties whilst the presents are being opened.

All that is to say; my children get 3 “Christmas days” and a bonus day when we visit the in-laws first too!!