AIBU to express hurt/disappointment over Christmas plans

[user77690]

My son and DIL have a young child. For the first two Christmases of my grandchild’s life, they spent Christmas Day with DIL’s parents. We recently asked what they were planning for Christmas this year and my son told us that, from now on, they want to spend Christmas Day just the three of them. They’re going to see DIL’s family on Boxing Day and have said they’ll see us at some point…

I completely understand them wanting to make their own traditions and I know they’re entitled to spend Christmas however they choose. But I’m really quite hurt.
I think what makes it difficult is that DIL’s parents had the first two Christmas Days with our grandchild. We never had a Christmas Day with them, and now it feels as though the opportunity has disappeared altogether. I suppose I’d always assumed the families might alternate at some point.

I don’t want to guilt-trip them or cause an argument, and I wouldn’t expect them to change their plans just because I’m upset. But would I be unreasonable to tell my son that I feel hurt and disappointed by it? Or is this something I should keep to myself and simply accept?

Did you do rotations OP, where you took the family to one set and then the other set the following year for Christmas Day? If that’s the case then it is not ideal behaviour from your DH he’s lost that consideration and value somewhere it may be time to have a conversation with him about that.

I tried to get DH to spend more me time with his side of the family especially his mum to the point I hassle him everyday, “Did you call MIL and ask if she’s free to come over?”He is not so great with that I’m unsure of the reluctance exactly and to be honest I have enough worries of my own to be too caught up in it all and organising his family members and mine like some kind of social director.

Christmas tends to fall with my family and we see the in laws a week prior to the day. The in laws have never reached out to us in all the years and asked if we want to spend the day with them as a straight-up question.

I figure they must enjoy doing their own thing and maybe not so keen anyway to see us specifically on Christmas Day.

I would prefer our own Christmas at home though. There is something nice about not having to jump in the car and relaxing at home.

If u have a good relationship with your son perhaps you could say you totally understand them wanting to stay at home on christmas day going forward but that it would be lovely if they would come to you next boxing day (2028)?

Dont rock the boat. Arrange for the day after boxing day i know its hard, but you will not win

I understand your disappointment. We spend most Christmases with my parents and MIL and anyone else who wants to join us, often brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles etc. I think it's a bit of a shame when people have a "just us" mentality.

I would tell him. They know theyve been unfair but it sounds like your DIL wears the pants!

I would ask for a visit on a specific day or ask if you can drop by with presents on christmas day evening.

Families!

Don’t do this OP. Your son has told you they want the day alone. Respect him.

Oh give over!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
theres 365 days most years!
See them any other day, there’s plenty to choose from!!!
If a parent takes their children visiting on Christmas Day then it’s selfish, as they’re taking them away from all their new gifts!
My children would hate it

Does your son live close to his IL’s that they could visit for the day without anyone staying over or do they have a much bigger house or have you always made a proper effort to make your DIL feel welcome?

I think you just have to accept it and maybe ask DIL if they would all like to come to you say any weekend end of Nov or December for a family day either at yours or out for a day out nearby that would be lovely no pressure just to have a think about it and to let you know. No guilt, no tears no moodiness.

I think if they'd given you a specific invite, or said they would come over to you on Xmas Eve, that would be be fine. Or even, "We're staying at home this year as we want the kids to open their presents here and not feel rushed, but why don't you come over about 2pm." Something like that.

As you're just 20 mins away, I suspect your son fully intends to see you at some point, he just isn't aware of how the lack of a plan makes you feel sidelined.

Probably your DIL's parents are more prone to guilt-tripping and that's why the DIL knows she has to give them a day! Different dynamics and expectations basically.

I think it's fine to say to your son that you'd love to know when you're going to see them over Xmas, just so you can look forward to it - because having grandchildren is special for you too. Having said this, it's only October! He probably hasn't given the need for a date or fixed plan much thought yet. Just talk to him in a calm way and I'm sure you can get this resolved.

Why dont you make your own Christmas tradition with the grandchildren such as taking them to see Santa earlier in December or book tickets for a pantomime in between Christmas and New Year when they get a bit older. Christmas day is just one day and being pressured to do something or be somewhere doesnt often make it fun.

My mum and gran always came round to watch my kids opening their presents . I wouldn’t want either of them to miss out on seeing the joy on the kids faces while opening Santa/family presents. Could you do that? Just go to see them opening pressies?

You can't invite yourself to someone else's house? I don't know why these things keep being suggested

Because people can't respect boundaries. And they can't imagine there are ither ways to celebrate than how they did.

I don't think OP has answered how she spent Christmas when her children were young...

Arrange another special day with them. Less pressure. Usually travel at Christmas is stressful. Accept they will want to make their own Christmas arrangements. Do not set up in competition with other parents as this is a misery for everyone. Please do not make an issue of this with your son and daughter as they will not be impressed. Plenty of other days when you can enjoy each others company. Whatever else do NOT guilt trip them.

Just do a big ‘Xmas’ dinner a week before or in between Xmas and new year. Sad I understand but it’s only a date

I don’t get wanting to spend xmas alone . You can do that anytime. For me it’s family, grandparents on both sides are welcome maybe aunts uncles cousins too. I’d certainly not leave my parents or parents in law alone .To me that’s what xmas is about. I’m sorry that’s not your son and dil’s way of thinking OP. Do you have other children? I wouldn’t say a word about it though. Maybe invite them around one day before or after to exchange presents.

It all depends on the relationships, personalities, family dynamics, comfort and size of house, expectations (some want to stare at TV all day and snooze, hating and no interest in any games, others want to chat, play games with just a tiny amount of TV) etc etc.

I couldn’t wait to spend Christmas with just my little family at home which was lovely. We have a relaxed morning in PJ’s, a shortish country walk at some point, a nice relaxed dinner just when it is ready, chat, play games, watch a film at some point and have a few drinks these days.

Both our birth families had much smaller houses than us, neither were really geared to visitors and both had a younger adult sibling living at home who they pandered to, neither would come to us as they didn’t want to be away from home at Christmas (even though our house was bigger, more comfortable in terms of space and seating and younger adult siblings would have been invited and been more than welcome). IL’s invited us to them but they didn’t really have the room and we would have had to stay as they lived over three hours away. My parents lived a 10 minute drive away and I invited them for Christmas dinner and or to see the kids open presents on Christmas morning for many years (neither invitations were ever taken up and they never once invited us there my kids in their early twenties now. Our DC are both still coming home for Christmas as neither has a partner. MIL will spend Christmas with DIL and DIL’s IL’s. We once visited on boxing day but it was a bit miserable no one wanted to play any games, everyone was extremely virtuous about food and drink. MIL wanted everyone to retire around the TV, BIL put an action film on which was so loud no one could chat and several people just sat sleeping. My DM will spend Christmas with my brother this year and my DSIS who is separated and her adult DC will no doubt visit in the afternoon for a couple of hours for a drink (but they only live a 5 minute walk away). We are never invited.

OP just invite DIL to something low key at yours or maybe try a Christmas day out somewhere. Don’t mention to son as usually men are rubbish communicators then she can say yes or no. Accepting that if DIL
and son are both busy working Christmas is stressful with a lot going on in the run up so they may just want a quiet Christmas at home to just flop and recharge.

Of course if people don’t want to come or it’s miserable at their house.. fair enough. I’m sorry your parents weren’t interested in your children it sounds like you made lovely xmases anyway.