AIBU to express hurt/disappointment over Christmas plans

[user77690]

My son and DIL have a young child. For the first two Christmases of my grandchild’s life, they spent Christmas Day with DIL’s parents. We recently asked what they were planning for Christmas this year and my son told us that, from now on, they want to spend Christmas Day just the three of them. They’re going to see DIL’s family on Boxing Day and have said they’ll see us at some point…

I completely understand them wanting to make their own traditions and I know they’re entitled to spend Christmas however they choose. But I’m really quite hurt.
I think what makes it difficult is that DIL’s parents had the first two Christmas Days with our grandchild. We never had a Christmas Day with them, and now it feels as though the opportunity has disappeared altogether. I suppose I’d always assumed the families might alternate at some point.

I don’t want to guilt-trip them or cause an argument, and I wouldn’t expect them to change their plans just because I’m upset. But would I be unreasonable to tell my son that I feel hurt and disappointed by it? Or is this something I should keep to myself and simply accept?

Give it time. After a couple of Christmases frazzled, trying to juggle work and small children - they might be longing to come to you and be cooked for!

I don't think it would be pushy to try and firm up a day when they visit you, pointing out they had two Christmases with her family and have already booked Boxing Day with them, but you want to see your grandchild over Christmas too, and share in some of the traditions with them.

The phase which sticks out for me is “they’ll see us at some point” which sounds quite casual, or dismissive even. DIL’s parents get Boxing Day, after having had them twice on Christmas Day itself, and you get… what? Popping in on the way home from the shops? No wonder you’re hurt. I don’t think that Christmas Day is the be all and end all, but it would be nice to think they’re considering you. I would have to say something if it was me, but not trying to guilt trip them or be overly dramatic. It’s a fine line to tread.

Could you suggest a family Christmas style meal at yours on a December weekend in the run up? We have a family Christmas Day/weekend in November or December when all the siblings and mum can get together as we live a few hours apart in various directions and people have different traditions and responsibilities on Christmas Day but we want to meet up when we can. Last year it was the full traditional works, this year someone’s doing Turkish food and we’ll exchange gifts. Start a new tradition. Or at least see if they’d be amenable.

Doesn’t sound like you’ve actually offered to host them yet so I’d do that on Christmas Eve or something, I wouldn’t express your dissapointment about this

I spent every one, 33 in total, with my granny until she died. Her last was one of the happiest days ever. She had not been expected to live past October. I wouldn’t change that for anything. There will be plenty of time for my own thing.

This pretty much sums up how I feel but do you know how you would phrase it? I think posters are right that I want to avoid a guilt tripping and end up just irritating them.

They live between us and DIL’s parents. About 20 minutes away from each of us.

I think that’s pretty thoughtless of them tbh. Do you live close by? Is there the ability for you to pop to theirs at some point and take the pressure off a whole day/stay? I do think I’d be inclined to say you were hoping to spend Christmas with them at some point and how can you make that easier for them? Also, how did you do it when your kids were little? Did you model alternating Christmas as then it would seem normal for your son and a starting point for you. We always alternate with my family (now we host but they used to) and my husband’s (often at a different family members each time but we all bring food/drink). I wouldn’t give that up for anything in the world. We have every weekend to be an insular family. Christmas is for being with your wider family and celebrating imo.

Why can't they invite both sets of grandparents,

Because they want to spend Christmas Day at home alone with their child

You don't specify where you all live in relation to one another. Are the in laws closer than you? Is it a long way to go and visit you? It can be very stressful with a young child traveling to see different relatives, especially over Christmas. It's not much fun to spend more time traveling, and I can see the temptation of wanting to stay at home.

What is your relationship like with them?

YANBU to feel hurt and that you are missing out. But it is ultimately their decision what they do.

Have you ever invited them for Christmas? Prior to your son telling you about their plans from now on?
Instead of waiting for them to confirm plans, why not suggest some dates/activities to do together over the Christmas period? If they dismiss them, then it opens the opportunity to have a discussion about it.

They are being horrible, thoughtless and unfair. If I were you, I would express exactly how hurt and disappointed I felt, and I wouldn't care if it caused an argument, because you dont deserve to be treated like an afterthought or second rate grandparent. I wouldnt be able to hide how I felt if one of my sons treated me this way.

I also think that if you dont speak up now, you will have lost your chance. They will "assume" you are happy with how things are.

One question though; have you ever actually invited them to yours for christmas? I assume that you have, but from your description, you sound quite passive in just asking what their plans are without any actual invitation.

Oh gosh, we posted at the same time, I have just seen your post about only being 20 minutes away. That makes several of my points irrelevant.

On the surface it does seem rather unfair that the in laws have had two Christmas Days, will now get Boxing Day and you don't appear to have anything.

Invite them round for Christmas Eve or New Year's Day or whatever day suits you for your family Christmas. Assuming there isn't anything that makes the relationship strained and that's why they don't want to visit.

Say you'd like to get a day firmed up when you can host them (or you go to them, depending on what they find easier).
Be clear that "around Christmas" is fine.

Maybe see if you could ALSO take the GC out for some of the day on Christmas eve, give them chance to unwind or prep?

I haven’t seen my own father on Christmas Day in 18 years OP. Since my parents divorced when I was 14. I just see him another day.

Christmas is often for the nuclear family until later in the day and now so many people don’t live nearby and seeing them on the day can mean staying over it’s all just a bit much.

They live 20 mins away, just invite them over. “As we aren’t seeing you for Xmas, do you fancy coming to us Xmas eve or New Year’s Eve”. Just get a plan in the diary and don’t sweat being hurt - nothing good will come of trying to guilt trip them into doing something you want to do but they don’t.

That puts a different spin on it. But maybe their child is being a nightmare recently and they just are really knackered?

Keep to yourself. They didn’t say they would never celebrate Christmas with you.

Maybe they don’t want to got to her Mums but don’t want to make it that they are choosing you over her.

Offer next year if they want to come to you, it’s easier when kids are older, or maybe they will have another by then!

Well, you can be supportive and make it easy for them, or a whiny burden.

All you know is that they want this year alone. They won't know for sure about next year until closer to the time, whatever they say.

Use this time to think about how often you normally see them and what that looks like. Do you make it easy? Travel to them or cook? Offer childcare? Drop over gifts? I guess what I'm getting at is that in your shoes, I'd be saying I totally understand and sending them a Christmas hamper to relax and recharge and an offer for babysitting if they want to do something special just the two of them, not asking where I fit in to their plans.

I think this fashion of "our own little Christmas with our own little family" is a bit sad really.

I think it has been born out of the fact we are often now all too stretched in day to day routines to spend normal time together as a small family, so there isn't the same excitement about the sort of Christmases I knew as a child which were beyond exciting, seeing both sets of grandparents (one lot for lunch, one for evening meal) and cousins on BOTH sides, all in our best clothes and with new toys to show each other, sweet treats and just general high excitement.

I don't think your situation is unusual unfortunately, but I do feel why you would be disappointed.

I will tell you a funny story, which will send a certain variety of MNer - particularly the indignant DIL variety - into overdrive with accusations of passive aggression, and narcs and violated boundaries. But here we go anyway!

My GM had a friend in your position. The DIL was very controlling and generally quite obstructive and yet I do think this lady was genuinely quite obliging and not too pushy. However, one year the grandchildren were taken away on holiday (Maldives I think) and so it "just wasn't possible" to see this GM until a couple of weeks after Christmas, and I think she just decided to take a different approach. When they arrived at her house, the wreath was still on the door, she answered the door in Christmas jumper and Christmas hat and ushered them to the smell of dinner in the oven and the sight of a huge Christmas tree beautifully decorated and with piles of gifts. 🎄✨🎁The children went WILD with excitement as they weren't expecting it. MIL simply carried on as though it WAS Christmas and the children, who had spent Christmas on a beach eating mango or whatever, continued to refer to the visit to MIL as "Christmas Day" for months on end. Apparently the DIL had a face like a smacked arse - but they did come to visit on Christmas Day the next year, presumably so as not to have MIL;s Christmas steal their thunder again!

As a mum of two young children (3 & 5), I completely understand this from the other side. Christmas logistics can be A LOT when you’re juggling grandparents but I imagine your intentions are well placed given that you’ve asked for advice rather than immediately passing on your disappointment. I’d be curious whether your DIL’s parents hosted those first two Christmases, as that may have been more about practicality than preference.

Both our parents are separated, so we have four sets to fit in. We’ve tried hosting and travelling around, and whilst it’s lovely seeing everyone, we realised we were spending more time organising Christmas than actually enjoying it with our children so we’re going away for it this year (UK & grandparents are welcome to come for Xmas day if they wish but I’ve made it clear they won’t be getting a host!)

I personally wouldn’t tell your son you’re disappointed. It’s completely understandable that you feel disappointed, but I think telling them risks creating guilt around a decision they’re entitled to make. Instead, tell them you’d love to see them over the festive period and ask what works for them. Offer to host, or if easier offer to bring food to them. Honestly, most parents of young children would probably appreciate an offer to make Christmas easier far more than another thing to organise so I’d try and be proactive in getting something in the diary for you to look forward to!

My mil has never seen two of her grandchildren on a Christmas Day as they always spend Christmas with her dils mum. Every year.

no alternating, no give or take, mil gets another day in the Christmas holidays .

it’s not fair.

To what extent have you and your son kept up a respectful and loving relationship since he left home, OP? Has he always enjoyed coming home and spending time with you? How much has he been taught about maintaining social and family relationships and not giving up the emotional work to his partner? Does his dad have much of a relationship with him? Did his dad model emotional intelligence and taking responsibility for social relationships?

If this has all been great then I think he's treated you really shoddily. But if you didn't have that solid foundation, I think you just have to suck it up and your disappointment, while obviously real, isn't particularly reasonable.

Yes you would be unreasonable; you shouldn’t say anything.

I’ve been the DIL in a similar situation. After a couple of years of spending Christmas with family we decided to start staying at home and making our own traditions. The children just want to stay st home and play with their new toys on Christmas Day and travelling isn’t fun. They’re a bit older now and we’ve had no regrets; Christmas at home has been lovely.

We’re close to our families and my parents and in-laws have been wonderful about it, and very understanding.

I spent the day at home as a child too, as did my DH. We saw family on other days.

I completely understand your hurt, OP, but dil's often give preferential treatment to their own parents, and their husbands just go along with it. All I can suggest is that you come to terms with it, and match their energy. Fill your life with as much love and laughter as you can from other sources. Go on cruises at Xmas, spend all their bloody inheritance. Also grieve the loss of what you'd hoped for. You can come out of it the other side, happy and at peace, whatever they decide to do at Christmas and other times.