AIBU to express hurt/disappointment over Christmas plans

[user77690]

My son and DIL have a young child. For the first two Christmases of my grandchild’s life, they spent Christmas Day with DIL’s parents. We recently asked what they were planning for Christmas this year and my son told us that, from now on, they want to spend Christmas Day just the three of them. They’re going to see DIL’s family on Boxing Day and have said they’ll see us at some point…

I completely understand them wanting to make their own traditions and I know they’re entitled to spend Christmas however they choose. But I’m really quite hurt.
I think what makes it difficult is that DIL’s parents had the first two Christmas Days with our grandchild. We never had a Christmas Day with them, and now it feels as though the opportunity has disappeared altogether. I suppose I’d always assumed the families might alternate at some point.

I don’t want to guilt-trip them or cause an argument, and I wouldn’t expect them to change their plans just because I’m upset. But would I be unreasonable to tell my son that I feel hurt and disappointed by it? Or is this something I should keep to myself and simply accept?

Just knock all this Xmas rubbish on the head. Puts so much pressure and expectations on people.

I really feel for you.

If they were spending all their Christmases on their own and making sure to see both sets of parents at some point over the season then that would be entirely reasonable and normal. Leaving you out year after year seems unkind and unreasonable.

Is there any reason why they would not want to visit or spend time with you? I ask because we were treated similarly by one of our sons, who subsequently went on to estrange me, saying that the issue was his wife didn't like me, had big issues with me, and didn't buy into me.

Hope that the relationships in your family are better and that this turns out to be due to thoughtlessness rather than anything else.

I agree with the suggestions to keep things light and don't say you're sad about it (I did one year and I regret it). Just try to arrange a meet up at some time over the season, doesn't matter if it's at yours or theirs as long as you see each other. Our estranged son and his family used to see us at the beginning of December or end of January before they stopped seeing us altogether and we accepted that gratefully as it was better than not seeing them at all.

Hope everything works out well and you all manage to meet up over the season 🍀

And because they’re probably quite thoughtless, entitled individuals.

Keep it to yourself. It's shitty behaviour but realistically no good will come of you expressing it to them. It may be that your DIL is an awful person who wants everything her own way, it may be that she was under immense pressure from an overbearing mother and this is her way of holding boundaries without causing herself huge stress. I host now and have done since my kids were seven. It's just easier and we have our own traditions that I wanted to build rather than live in the past.

I think there's a wider question here. Do you feel that the rest of the year is reasonably well balanced or do you feel that you are always the second (or third) thought?

If it's the former I think I could let it go. But the 'we'll see you at some point' rather makes it sound like the latter.

But this child has spent it with her other grandparents and it's not just about you it's about the grandparents.

I would say something. You've got nothing to lose. But I'd phrase it more along the lines of I was really hoping you'd come to me this year for one of the days, no pressure.

You re overthinking it. The baby is so young it won't even remember Xmas. I had 2 sets of grandparents, one who lived abroad so we always spent Xmas with them. Which means we never did it with the others. Didn't make the slightest bit of difference.
When we came back we would have a Xmas dinner with them, usually on 29th Dec or similar. So same Xmas meal, crackers etc and they would give us their presents (Santa had left them there for us). Absolutely fine and no issue, on contrary appreciated the presents more as not drowned in the mass.

I would be careful about what you say to them and coming across as needy and high maintenance and another obligation. Likely to get the DIL's back up and start building resentment. Clearly they got fed up with Xmas at her parents, give them a couple of years breathing space (or at least one year!), and suggest something in 6 months time or whatever for Xmas 2027. And in the meantime, just try and pin down a date for this year (the actual date doesn't matter - do you think a 2 year old even registers this or cares?)

100% this! Not sure if your son has been careless with wording or is just completely ignorant but this would be very hurtful to me and also piss me off especially given both xmases previously with DIL with no thought to you. Do you have other dgc you spend Xmas wit and Is your dgc your IL only dgc ? This is the only reason I can think of why they would think it’s ok to behave like that

I’m a DIL and have a 2yr old. We live 1/2 hr from PIL and 4 hours from my parents. We’ve alternated for years as I have no interest in hosting my own Xmas - whenever we go home to my parents it’s for at least 4-7 days though so doesn’t matter if we don’t see them on the real Xmas day. We always have a “fake Xmas” celebration with whichever family we’re not with that year.

@user77690 I’m going against the grain here and think you should say how you feel. You don’t need to lay it on thick but perhaps ds has taken path of least resistance because doesn’t think it would be a big deal for you - which it is. I would say something like - I fully appreciate you want to do Xmas day together, could we not alternate Boxing Days with your IL annually - we’d love to spend some Xmas time with DGC. I also think it’s not a bad idea to gently say that it felt like you were an afterthought given they’ve decided every Boxing Day forevermore is to be spent with ILs and you’ll get scraps.

If alternate Boxing Days aren’t possible I would see this this as an opportunity to start your own family tradition with you son/ DIL and DGC. Could you suggest a pantomime either before or after Xmas, a walk in a nice Xmas park / garden / Xmas markets / a treasure hunt at your house where dgc gets to open one present early. As another pp has said I’m sure your dgc will still grow up with fond loving memories of his grandparents despite not spending the actual day with them and also it’s nice not to shoehorn grandparents into a busy and stressful day.

Why don't you do as I do OP? I have early Xmas the first weekend of December every year. My DD & sil bring my 2 DGC for weekend, my eldest DS and his partner travel to me and my youngest D's lives about a mile from me comes to me as well as my 2 DS's. Friday night is ice skating and home for hot chocolate and DH makes his delicious home made pizzas. Saturday we all go to paint a Xmas bauble and I collect them 2 weeks later after they have been fired. I cook a turkey crown and a beef, roast potatoes and new boiled potatoes, carrots, peas, broccoli and sprouts, Yorkshire puddings, pigs in blankets, sausages meat and cranberry sauce with thick turkey gravy. I serve whippey ice cream I make in ice cream machine for dessert with crushed meringue and raspberries followed by a cheese board crackers and grapes. We all open Xmas gifts to each other and DGC have stockings to open. I have a buffet and cheese board with mince pies and cream later in the evening. Sunday a cooked breakfast and then DD and sil take dgs's to visit exh on there way home. Eldest DS and partner, DH and me and 2 dgs's all go to youngest DS's for dinner. I often get home and have a little nap. We prepare veg and Yorkshire pud mixture on the Friday morning and I wrap bacon around sausages. When I am painting the Xmas baubles DH switches dinner on for us. By the time the rest of us return it's only 1 hour before it is served. It's a great way to get ally family together as I know on Xmas day itself DD and dsil will be at home with my 2 dgs's and they will video call me to show me what Santa brought for them. Eldest DS and his partner alternative between going to her Mum's, coming to me and inviting me and DH to their house along with his partner's parents and his brother. Youngest ds comes to me one Xmas, to his brother's the next Xmas and invites me, DH and dgs's to his house the following Xmas. I really love early Xmas and my DD and Sil say it's good for them because it spreads dgs's gifts out over December giving them new toys and games to play with all through December. I actually enjoy my early Xmas more than Xmas day.

Could you try doing Christmas eve with them? I grew up in Germany and that was the main part of Christmas. You'd wait until dusk, then get called into the living room for the first lighting of the tree (live candles, too!) and presents. No big feast, that's reserved for Christmas day, just potato salad, little spicy sausages and of course lots and lots of homemade Christmas cookies. Just the best for kids, no need to sit through an interminable meal.

Blimey. That’s them tellt.

Ask them over for Christmas Eve.

we have a great celebration with one side of the family on Christmas Eve.

I would say something along the lines of that you know it's difficult with young children but would love to see them at some point over the Christmas period and are happy to work around them. See where that gets you. I wouldn't mention being hurt over it although I can see why it would be hurtful.

Wr have always alternated and tbh I would love to stay at home but both sets of parents are getting older and I want my children to have warm memories of celebrating with them. In our case both go out of their way to make it special. Just sometimes I wish my own parents would appreciate that travelling 4 hours each way is tiring.

It's understandable you are disappointed, however, I understand where they are coming from. After five years of marriage, and three children, I missed having Christmas in my own home and suggested that we be added to the rotation so we could have Christmas in our home every three years minimum. I don't think that is unfair, especially as visiting either set meant 2 hours driving one way, both meant meant at least 6-7 hours in the car on Christmas Day. That wasn't Christmas for the children. I did talk to the eldest child who preferred to play with toys rather than drive around all day too. So I told all the grandparents, who declined adding us to the rotation, that they knew where we were and were welcome to come to us, but we were staying home. My mother suggested they come on Boxing Day, so that is how that started. Could that be how it happened with the DIL's parents too? DH's parents were also invited to visit on Boxing Day, or any other day around the holidays, but they declined that stating that Christmas was at their house and that was that.

Seeing you 'whenever' is pretty vague and I can see that would hurt. Would it be possible to get a concrete plan in place? Can you also go on Boxing Day, you go to them for some agreed hour on Christmas Day, visit Christmas Eve? There should be room for you as well.

How about just saying -awww how lovely setting new traditions for your family. But might we be able to swap this year for Boxing Day and you come to us, and alternate after that with DIL's parents? We were hoping you might come to us for Christmas after you'd been with them for the last two Christmas days. Understand you don't want to do that now as you are going to be the three of you but perhaps we could do boxing day?

Sadly though I do agree with PPs that some men just are driven by their wife's wants (or just that she is more organised and arranges things with her family) and just spend more time with their wife's family. So you may have to get used to it, and instead try to propose more stuff yourself at other times tp make up.

Hosting visiting family members with a growing infant is probably not their idea of festive at all. This year the child will be somewhat more aware of its surroundings and who’d blame them for desiring their little family day alone. (Well, clearly many do, but I cannot understand this egotism)
Maybe DIL’s mum had them in previous years to remove the burden of providing a Christmas Day from her daughter.
As others have said, that relationship is very different from the one she has with you, no matter how well you get on, so maybe she was glad to let her mother take over, and not need to be particularly sparkling, if she was baby-knackered.

I think it'd be wrong on many levels to burden them with your feelings, not least because the facts as you present them have ample room for logical and reasonable motivations on their part, so don’t cause trouble when there hasn't even been any intentional offence.

I’m really not in sync with the outrage and actual vituperation in these comments.
How parents (and I’m not on about you; just a general observation) can accuse their married offspring of doing them a great wrong by not inviting them over for the 25th is quite beyond me.
Are they really owed this, despite the younger couple's clear preference for a smaller family day? That infant can be seen doing its thing with on 364 other days, so one has to conclude that this Christmas rancour all about pride, self regard.
It’s certainly hard to discern evidence of actual affection in any picture conjured by the outraged; just some ironclad personal code about their dues as senior family members in chief, to be first in the minds of the young marrieds whenever they make certain plans. Demanding consolation arrangements if the other side of the family happens to have their company. It’s small-minded and ungenerous. I think it stinks.

Feel free to express how you feel. Be prepared for more distance.

You won’t guilt a positive Christmas experience with your grandchild through it.

Focus on the same experience of a day celebrating with your grandchild and making memories. If it’s enjoyable and positive they’ll want to do more of it. If it’s pressured and manipulated they won’t.

So ask son, that’s lovely the three of you will be together- what day suits to celebrate with us? Then make that happen if it deeply matters to you. As parent of young kids - we go where we’re all wanted & it’s fun. Anything out of obligation might get a response one year but recipe for distance in years to come.

I never seen my DD on Christmas Day. They are always visiting his family, which is some distance away. I understand they go there because it's the only chance they have to see some members of the extended family. It's no big deal. I get them every other day of the year, which counts for far more.

Nobody gains by you mentioning it. What might be worth doing though is asking if you can start a Christmas Eve tradition. Go to them so baby can sleep early, take a bottle of wine and order takeout.

don't be so ridiculous

Maybe there’s more logistics with her family to consider so they had to lock that day in? It gets complicated with siblings and spouses and finding a way to sync it all.

Xmas is a fraught time for me after years of guilt sharing it between divorced parents, And then later trying to accommodate in-laws too. Mainly it was my DM making it hard due to sharing her feelings on the matter. All it did was add pressure and demonstrate a lack of understanding of the dynamics of my life.

Make it easy for them op. And be genuine about it. The date doesn’t really matter.

My dd husband is from overseas so some years they go there for an extended visit at Christmas. That's absolutely fine as we have them all year round. They are about 2 hours away. I said to myself from day one l am never going to make an issue about Christmas then there will be no pressure on them and no disappointment for me. This year all my dc and their partners were with us for Easter and we had the most wonderful time. Its far less pressure..no expectation to be anywhere else..not as much fuss about food and just having a big gang made it into a special occasion. They come regularly but not too often all together as we all have busy lives.So any day ..say Jan 6th ir New years day could become a tradition at yours. Make it fun with no pressure and they will come.
Also don't let yourself become someone who is waiting around for your children. Build yourself a busy life and everyone will be happier.

yabu

keep quiet or face the consequences

I hope you brought your daughters up not to exclude your ILs like the OP’s DIL is. 🙄

OP it’s crap but unfortunately some women think it’s perfectly acceptable to prioritise their own parents over their ILs at Christmas. Very unfair but not much you can do 🙁

What a smug thing to say. The OP post shows this isn’t the deciding factor, as does the post above yours.