AIBU to express hurt/disappointment over Christmas plans

[user77690]

My son and DIL have a young child. For the first two Christmases of my grandchild’s life, they spent Christmas Day with DIL’s parents. We recently asked what they were planning for Christmas this year and my son told us that, from now on, they want to spend Christmas Day just the three of them. They’re going to see DIL’s family on Boxing Day and have said they’ll see us at some point…

I completely understand them wanting to make their own traditions and I know they’re entitled to spend Christmas however they choose. But I’m really quite hurt.
I think what makes it difficult is that DIL’s parents had the first two Christmas Days with our grandchild. We never had a Christmas Day with them, and now it feels as though the opportunity has disappeared altogether. I suppose I’d always assumed the families might alternate at some point.

I don’t want to guilt-trip them or cause an argument, and I wouldn’t expect them to change their plans just because I’m upset. But would I be unreasonable to tell my son that I feel hurt and disappointed by it? Or is this something I should keep to myself and simply accept?

But they’re not seeing her parents either? In fact, it sounds like seeing her parents have put them off seeing parents altogether.

What’s your relationship with your DIL like in general OP?
Do you see your Son and his family regularly anyway and it’s just Christmas Day that’s upsetting you or are there other things that bother you in your day to day relationship with them?

The phrase that pops out at me also is the ‘see you at some limit’. The in-laws are given definite plans, whilst you’re an afterthought, it seems.

Maybe they’ve been more proactive in making Christmas plans, so have bagsied Boxing Day first. Maybe have a general conversation about hiw you look forward to seeing them on Christmas Eve (or whenever) and are planning to go and see some Christmas lights, go to a garden centre with reindeer etc, which I’m sure dc would love.

If they can’t commit, then say straight out and say that, obviously as they’re going to in-laws this year, you’ll ve doing Boxing Day with everyone next year . Get in there first!

I mean, you can try guilt tripping him into changing his mind if you like, it might even work (though it's doubtful). But let's not be disingenuous and pretend there's any other reason.

You're entitled to your feelings, we all are, but obviously, if you don't want to be seen as trying to guilt trip him into changing his mind (which is what you would be doing) don't say anything.

He already knows you aren't happy about it.

I do think it was probably just that his daughter told her parents first and they asked for Boxing Day, rather than some devious plan to thwart you seeing his child on Christmas Day.

There's nothing wrong with asking them to pin down another day, and ask them what would work for them, you visiting them or them visiting you?

They have reserved every Boxing Day for her parents! His parents are just some after thought. I see it with so many of my female friends. It’s crap and unfair.

Maybe suggest starting a tradition of spending New Year’s together. No matter how hurt you are, setting up an alternative will get you further than having them feel guilty. You can even wait to open presents New Year’s, if you like. Two celebrations! What child wouldn’t love that?

The daughter in law loves her mum and dad and wants the day with them. That's natural.

The daughter in law's time, love and attention aren't resources to be shared equally, she'll obviously always favour her own mum.

If OPs son doesn't really care whether he sees his parents or not at Christmas, that's not his wife's doing.

Yep, good idea.

I let my mum and step dad come and brother and his husband, the boys were hungover and didn’t eat any of the spread we put on, and my mum acted like a child and over bought toys after we told her not to and the 2 year old lost interest and wasn’t up for opening more, she even threw a headband at me because the 2 year old didn’t like it. Loads of food waste and never again! Ruined the day and CBA with everyone putting pressure on young children for self gratification. So much easier to do it alone. When everyone’s older yeah, but Christ it’s draining.

It may be their thoughts on this change as your grandson gets older, life with a small child can be hard and it might be that last year it felt a lot for them to pack everything up and go to your DILs parents. How far away do you live, could you maybe suggest something low key at yours like a Christmas brunch and presents a week or so before, or a few days after? You could decorate like a North Pole breakfast or something and make it so special for DS in a way that feels a bit separate to actual Christmas Day!

Yes, I am sure they started out with the intention of seeing parents on Christmas day and realised it was just too much, it's not some plot to thwart the OP.

"with everyone putting pressure on young children for self gratification" absolutely this.

Op do not tell them but make a special day and do a fake Christmas. I loved having additional Christmas days, like New Year’s Day maybe. Make it a tradition they always come to you etc. ask if they go to in-laws on boxing day can they come to you on x day. The food / presents / family is what I remember not if it was a specific date

I was just referring to Christmas Day which is what the OP was hoping for. Boxing Day this year doesn’t mean every year. This year it will have happened as the DIL probably gave a heads up they’re weren’t coming for Christmas Day whereas they didn’t need to have that chat with OP preemptively. Future Boxing Days could still be up for grabs. Along with 23,24,27th etc.

But I can understand the OP feeling hurt and think she should suggest something - meal, panto, Christmas lights, decorating her tree, ice skating, markets. It’s not Christmas Day but that’s not on the table so make the most of quality time doing something else Christmassy.

Invite them to yours the weekend before or Xmas Eve (ahead of Santa’s arrival) or on the bank holiday Monday (27th).

Then, next year, get in early and invite them to yours on Boxing Day or stick with Xmas Eve (or another day) for yours.

Develop your own tradition (on a day other than Xmas or Boxing Day), which your grandchild/ren will grow to love and remember. Avoids pressure or conflict. Could later be combined with a trip to a pantomime, if you can afford it.

If they live close, Xmas Eve can be a good idea. When kids are young, I think it’s more magical than Xmas Day. And commonly the main get-together in other European countries. And if you do food, takes the pressure off the parents ahead of Xmas Day.

So many men are just thoughtless with their own parents. I hear it all the time ‘oh they don’t mind’ about spending every whatever with the wife’s family … Unless there’s something else going on it’s mean and thoughtless to not treat grandparents equally.

My MIL is lovely and I see how upset she gets when BIL prioritises his wife’s family over them. To posters saying it’s the DH’s responsibility yes it should be, but doesn’t the DIL also want a nice relationship with her ILs and between the children and them? Also you DILs are the MILs of the future and I certainly want to model to my kids how I would like to be included in their future families …

OP, definitely do as other posters suggest and arrange your own thing with them, whatever you’d like to do. If you don’t arrange anything it’s contributing to the impression that ‘you don’t mind’ about seeing them less. And out of sight out of mind becomes a pattern.

Sorry you feel this way op. Don’t say anything though because it’s just not nice to make them feel guilty and put them in the middle of both families.

Remember it doesn’t really matter that they’ve had the first 2 Christmases as your grandchild won’t have had a clue what’s going on.

Maybe suggest something on Christmas eve? Obviously this depends on whether either of them are working.

We have a get together on Christmas Eve (sometimes the day before depending on adult dc plans).

Christmas isn’t just about the one day.

When mine were little we always had Christmas Day at home so dc could play with their gifts. Boxing Day was our family get together day. Dgc see their dads family on Boxing Day now so we do the run up. We make ginger bread men, do some crafts, have a buffet and exchange gifts. We used to host when dgc were tiny to make it easier for dd but now dd or ds host depending on who it’s easier for.

Such a sensible response. MN often has posters bemoaning what a dreadful Xmas they had because they feel obligated to take part in plans other people make out of a sense of duty.
If this young couple want to have Xmas with just themselves and their child, good on them.
OP I understand you might feel disappointed but you’d be unreasonable to express it. I’m sure you don’t want them to feel they have to come to you just because of duty while resenting every minute.

Did you spend Boxing Day with your son and his family the previous two years when they spent Christmas Day with your DIL's family?

I can see why the vagueness of them 'seeing you at some point' is hurtful. Do you have other adult children that spend Christmas with you or will you and your husband be on your own?

Have you invited them ?
Could you invite them to do something Christmas market, winter wonderland, panto, start a new tradition with them.

Sorru OP but if they dont want to spend Christmas with anyone thats up to them.
They are a little family unit on their own and Im sorry that you have missed two Christmases and then they are having the in-laws on Boxing day does seem a bit unfair.
You just have to suck it up,as we know DILs are closer to their own familys and this happens a lot when your DS let's it play out like that. There is nothing you can do about it Im afraid.

What an over-reaction!

" I would see this this as an opportunity to start your own family tradition with you son/ DIL and DGC. Could you suggest a pantomime either before or after Xmas, a walk in a nice Xmas park / garden / Xmas markets / a treasure hunt at your house where dgc gets to open one present early. As another pp has said I’m sure your dgc will still grow up with fond loving memories of his grandparents despite not spending the actual day with them and also it’s nice not to shoehorn grandparents into a busy and stressful day"

This is what we do with our other sons and their families and it works really well! Lots of lovely things that our grandchildren look forward to each year and all the adults enjoy as well. Santa, panto, baking, making and a few early presents! Gets the season off to a good start and feels very happy and relaxed!

It’s hurtful, but they don’t want to spend Xmas with you and looking back - they never have. You’ll feel worse if you focus on the ‘at some point’ your son has so generously offered. Focus on organising your own Xmas period without them. And plan a nice holiday away for next Xmas!

They are entitled to spend the day at home with their family