AIBU to express hurt/disappointment over Christmas plans

[user77690]

My son and DIL have a young child. For the first two Christmases of my grandchild’s life, they spent Christmas Day with DIL’s parents. We recently asked what they were planning for Christmas this year and my son told us that, from now on, they want to spend Christmas Day just the three of them. They’re going to see DIL’s family on Boxing Day and have said they’ll see us at some point…

I completely understand them wanting to make their own traditions and I know they’re entitled to spend Christmas however they choose. But I’m really quite hurt.
I think what makes it difficult is that DIL’s parents had the first two Christmas Days with our grandchild. We never had a Christmas Day with them, and now it feels as though the opportunity has disappeared altogether. I suppose I’d always assumed the families might alternate at some point.

I don’t want to guilt-trip them or cause an argument, and I wouldn’t expect them to change their plans just because I’m upset. But would I be unreasonable to tell my son that I feel hurt and disappointed by it? Or is this something I should keep to myself and simply accept?

It's so not about the 2 yr old!

@Malasana , that does not mean the woman isn’t vile. They so frequently are.

"Sadly, I think that some, not all DIL, forget about how important it is to involve both sets of grandparents." How much effort do you think your sons put into involving their wife's parents? You're putting it all onto the DILs as if the men aren't able to organise anything themselves.

“No problem son. Do you think we can alternate Boxing Days as we’d love to spend time with you all around Christmas?”.

See what he says. If you don’t ask, you won’t get an answer. I also think it’s ok to highlight to someone when they’re being unkind, which I think they are.

I feel very sorry for the OP being in this position.

It’s blatantly unfair of the son and his wife to choose to spend Christmas with the wife’s parents for three years on the run (I’m treating Boxing Day as Christmas in this situation) and to say they’ll see OP ‘at some point’. It’s clearly unkind to exclude one set of GPs in this manner. I’m wondering if there have been any fallouts or issues that have influenced their behaviour?

The OP sounds thoughtful and reasonable, she’s simply asking if she should say something or not to express her disappointment at not seeing them yet again this Christmas. Without knowing more about the situation it’s hard to advise her with any degree of certainty, not knowing what the relationship between her and her son/DIL is like generally.

It’s possible that the son/DIL aren’t aware of how much it means to OP to see them over the Christmas period itself. Therefore I think the wish to see them should be clarified so that there are no misunderstandings.

I think OP should speak to son and DIL together, without apportioning blame or criticism, just making it clear that OP would love to spend time with them over the Christmas period and asking if would that be possible next year sort of thing.

OP son is an adult. If he is arsed, he can make the arrangements.
No, daughter in laws are not frequently vile. What a terribly misogynistic and lazy stereotype.
Maybe the DIL has made the arrangements with her family because it’s her family and assumes her husband will make the arrangements for his and he just hasn’t bothered.

In fairness, it is usually the women who organise and make decisions. Men normally go along for a quiet life

No they don’t.

Dont be manipulative. Let them have xmas alone.

Yes they do

We could go on all day. My son makes arrangements with me. He runs them past his gf to make sure she's available, then that's it! No quiet life.

Then that’s still the man’s fault and often learnt behaviour from their own experience growing up.

It is unfair on the parents. They are going to get grief from grandparents whatever they do. It’s breathtaking how grandparents are so entitled and decide to frame Christmas Day as something that is theirs to push their adult children around on. With their only thoughts being ‘I want access to my grandchild’ on this day. It’s revolting behaviour. I have had a decade of grandparents on both sides simply assuming my day for me, and complaining and manipulating and whining if it’s not what they want. As such, I dread Christmas every year and I have hated Christmas Day for the last ten. It’s absolutely terrible how grandparents start this the minute a grandchild is born and don’t give a cr*p about anyone but getting what they think is their right to access to the grandchild on this day. It has made me determined to in advance say to my own children when they are adults - you do Christmas Day however you want to or need to. I’ll be here whenever you need me or want me to be. But I’ll fit in with you whatever makes your Christmas Day easiest. Because I know the stress, sadness and resentment I now feel about Christmas due to grandparents complaining and making the day all about them. It’s totally ruined the whole thought of Christmas for me and it’s now something my DH and I have to ‘get through’. We’ve even said that we don’t think we’ll have a single Christmas when our children are still children without our parents making us feel bad by commenting on and manipulating us to choose them every Christmas Day. And we have zero choice because they are both widowed. It’s like a sentence we have to endure because they’ve ruined it for us.

The ‘at some point’ is likely because it’s only early October and he hasn’t thought about the details yet - you live very close so travelling and hotel stays aren’t required.

All you need to do is say you’d like to confirm arrangements to see them around Christmas time.

Bringing up your feelings on the other years and being upset about Christmas Day would be a very bad idea. Having previously posted saying I’m the DD/DIL in a similar situation, I’m just imagining if my parents/ in-laws had expressed disappointment instead of taking it well and being understanding!

But they’ve already made plans to see the in-laws on Boxing Day so they have already thought about their plans

His wife has made plans to see her side of the family. They have made plans as a couple. Now he has to make plans with his side.

How often do you see them normally?

This. The OP can make plans when she speaks to her son.

I make plans regarding seeing my family, my DH makes plans regarding seeing his family - my DH speaks to his parents a few times a week. It’s not difficult.

So? Some plans are easier to make than others. If you have to factor in seeing multiple people who all have different working patterns and other plans, Christmas plans tend to get made earlier. We have no idea if the DIL side meetup is just with her parents or with a bunch of other extended family members as well.

I don't know OP's situation but if she has no one else she makes plans with over Christmas, isn't working (or has the whole holiday period off), it's much easier to leave the plan until the last minute.

"from now on, they want to spend Christmas Day just the three of them. They’re going to see DIL’s family on Boxing Day and have said they’ll see us at some point…"

The "they’ll see us at some point", is the unreasonable quote, surely alternating Boxing Day is the fairest solution. Or, as others have suggested you invite them for Christmas/Boxing day so that they can enjoy leisure time with their child, and you can enjoy the family get together.

You say your equivalent of "Thanks so much for the invitation. We would love to come and see you all over Christmas. How about the 24th/27th/28th?"

And

"You know you will always be welcome at our house on Christmas Day or whenever is a good time for us both over the Christmas period."

I think it’s a shitty thing to do. They could at least pop over for an hour in the morning or something.

They are the ones with young children.

It’s one day!!
I dreaded Christmas when my children were younger, the in laws, my parents - the big question ? What you doing Christmas Day ?

argggh!!!!

After being held hostage for over 20 years, we have Christmas Eve as Christmas Day with my parents. The kids then have their own Christmas- doing what THEY want and we don’t expect to see them.

The unnecessary stress and trauma trains caused by this ridiculous insistence of where you spend 8 hours on the 25th December!!!

Let them have their Christmas Day their way.

They don't host.Read the post!