AIBU to express hurt/disappointment over Christmas plans

[user77690]

My son and DIL have a young child. For the first two Christmases of my grandchild’s life, they spent Christmas Day with DIL’s parents. We recently asked what they were planning for Christmas this year and my son told us that, from now on, they want to spend Christmas Day just the three of them. They’re going to see DIL’s family on Boxing Day and have said they’ll see us at some point…

I completely understand them wanting to make their own traditions and I know they’re entitled to spend Christmas however they choose. But I’m really quite hurt.
I think what makes it difficult is that DIL’s parents had the first two Christmas Days with our grandchild. We never had a Christmas Day with them, and now it feels as though the opportunity has disappeared altogether. I suppose I’d always assumed the families might alternate at some point.

I don’t want to guilt-trip them or cause an argument, and I wouldn’t expect them to change their plans just because I’m upset. But would I be unreasonable to tell my son that I feel hurt and disappointed by it? Or is this something I should keep to myself and simply accept?

I hate Christmas after years of being guilt tripped by both (divorced) parents and in laws about where we spend this time. Every year, in the run up to Christmas, I dread having to decide what and where we are going, or who we will be inviting (they do not get along and constantly want me to take sides, so inviting them all, especially with children present, would not work). Inevitably, someone will be ‘hurt’.

Just plan a lovely Christmas for yourself, do not mention it, and quite honestly, give yourself a talking to. Your worth should not and cannot be bound up in a young families decisions. It is just not fair.

Keep it to yourself, but why not suggest taking them to do something lovely and festive like taking the little one to see Father Christmas somewhere? National trusts have events on, or places like Blenheim palace/kew gardens/windsor illuminations for their light trails. Lapland UK? Maybe that could be a tradition you do every year in December? Festivities go on for a long time, so why not drag it out a bit and find a way to make something else special!

I think you are more than entitled to feel hurt and disappointed that you have not had a Christmas with your son and Grandchild. Just a general observation here on a lot of adult children's dynamics. It always seems like DIL's families fair better than DS's familes. My son and my daughter alternate or, we all spend it together. As for not saying anything to your son, why the heck shouldn't you? There are ways of saying it without causing resentment. This is exactly why selfish, self centred people get away with always only thinking about their own needs and wants. At Christmas we would all like to do our own thing without consulting others, but that is not how it works. We consider family because that's what we do. Especially at Christmas!

This!

You’re assuming that they wanted to spend Christmas with her parents. Maybe they were just incredibly pushy and controlling about Christmas Day.

It’s very very difficult to navigate Christmas with young kids. You’re EXHAUSTED, this is potentially the only break from work between September and March, and you’re running around trying to get everything sorted and please everyone. It’s a nightmare. You end up going back to work more tired than you were before.

Give your son a break. If you want to spend Christmas Day with them just say that one year you’d really like to do that. Suggest a day for you to go round to celebrate, in a non pushy non judgmental way. Don’t start guilt tripping as if this is a competition about who is loved the most. And DON’T expect them to travel to you!

Every year we do something special on Christmas Eve during the day with the family. It's a wonderful day. A Santa train at lunchtime and making gingerbread men in the afternoon. It's a magical day and the grandchildren really look forward to it.

I understand why you're disappointed but maybe you can suggest a new Christmas tradition. Christmas day is just one day, it's a season. A positive suggestion is always better received than a criticism.

Don’t start score keeping, they got this so we’re entitled to that… it never ends well.

They have probably thought carting a toddler around is too stressful and just want to stay at home. Christmas should be about the children not keeping grandparents happy

For the last nine years we’ve alternated between hosting my parents and my in laws for Christmas.

This year we’ve decided to have Christmas just the three of us. It was due to be my in-law’s rotation.

We didn’t decide to stop the rotation because it was my in-law’s turn, it just so happened that way because we have become tired of the constant cycle of hosting on Christmas Day (I realised that last Christmas I didn’t sit down at all except to eat, no games, not Christmas film, just hosting).

On that basis, be reassured that it’s likely not down to you, instead due to their need for relaxation.

You mention “guilt trips” at least once, that could indicate that it’s on your mind to make them feel bad, even if you’ve dismissed it as an idea. Get that out of your head.

Instead , lock down a day in the run up, offer to host or bring food, make it easy and festive and low pressure.

As an aside, I find that daughters are most likely to involve their own parents in the very early stages of parenthood, irrespective of their relationship with their in-laws, that’s normal.

I think you could say something but not until after Christmas.

There is no need to say anything. You are not in a competition with the other set of grandparents and you are not seven years old.

It wouldn’t surprise me if your DS and DIL are feeling the pressure from her parents to come again as well as your expectation of an invite. Rather than get in to that routine, they’ve are shutting down Christmas Day now.

When we had our first child, I refused to travel on Christmas Day and said anyone that wanted to see us would have to come to us. My mother then expected us to host her and my dad from 10am to 10pm Christmas Day and my in-laws expected to stay from Christmas Day morning until the day after Boxing Day. It was exhausting and utterly miserable. Everyone else got the pleasure of these first few Christmas’ while my husband and I waited on them hand and foot. Eventually I put my foot down too. We said we would go to them on they could come to us for the day on either Christmas Eve, Boxing Day or any day in between but Christmas Day was ours. Mum was not happy. However, they are my children. I want to relax and enjoy them too without having to constantly make tea, sandwiches, cheese and crackers, watch what someone else wants on the TV etc.

OP, let them have their time and have another Christmas Day with them “at some point” it could be anytime between 23rd and 31st. Create your own new traditions for that day, have a big dinner, crackers, gifts etc. It doesn’t need to be the 25th

That's the thing, isn't it? If I were going for equal time among the grandparents, it's because I'm considering my husband more than them. If he doesn't care, or I don't have a good relationship with them, I'm less likely to make the effort.

I understand how you’re feeling but if you want to maintain a friendly relationship then you need to suck it up.

I think you could reframe this.

It sounds like they want to spend Christmas at home because it's easier with a small child to stay in one place given how busy December is especially if they have Christmas eve plans. Going to her parents on Boxing day might well be because her parents are disappointed too so have been the first to suggest boxing day.

I stopped taking my kids to my parents on Christmas day when it meant dragging them away from there presents and rushing through the morning to make it in time for dinner. It wasn't because I didn't love my parents it just didn't work so we had another day over Christmas with them instead.

You could do is try to understand and be excited to suggest you have another full on Christmas day with them between christmas and NY. You can still do stockings and the full works. What child doesn't love a second Christmas day?

Has your son ever made much effort for Christmas and birthdays? Has he put effort into making time to see you for special occasions etc?

I dont think boys are generally raised to care much about this stuff and then once they have a baby, its suddenly DiLs responsibility to manage, which isn't fair on her. If hes never made an effort, he wasn't going to suddenly start unfortunately.

@user77690 I think you just have to accept that the dil's family will always be more important. And I say that as someone only having sons.

That's a bit over the top! Maybe now the DC is getting to the age where they actually enjoy Christmas, the DS and DIL want to do it themselves.

Can you invite them for a Christmas Eve Eve lunch/dinner or on the 27th? Just invite them for a Christmas Tea - make it sound special. And to share gifts then? We alternate between GPs for Christmas Day with siblings so no one is alone. As pp have said - go gently and non critical. Just make the invitation on a day which suits so you can have some festive time together.

I find big Christmases very stressful so we have ours at home. We do have people to visit though. With my parents we have them for Brunch (our timings don't fit in with ours as we have a horse that needs to be turned out/come in at certain times. I think you could invite them for tea on Christmas eve, or as the children get older a pantomime. And perhaps talk to your DIL and say you like to have a new tradition with them but don't pressure her, because if she's like me she'll shut down. Our DD is now a teen and ND so she doesn't cope with big Christmases either.

Maybe their house isn’t big enough? We’ve never been able to host both sets of grandparents at the same time as we don’t have room.

OP as others have suggested, why not lock in a day for them to come to you and have another Christmas Day? We always do that on New Year's Day with ours.

I'm so pleased my Mum is that much more understanding that your Mum, your mum sounds a bit like the abusive one if she can't let you do your own thing at Christmas. I'm not in a relationship so defo no one is abusing me.

Presents and stockings don't just have to be for Christmas day, how do you think single parents who alternate and don't have their kids every year manage Christmas?

Maybe they've decided they don't want to buy into all the pressure of Christmas, maybe they can't afford to host people.
It's one day and one day isn't really worth all the fuss.

It very much depends on your relationship with them.
We never see my in laws on Christmas day, because they can't really be bothered with us the rest of the year and have never helped us in any way.
My dad is the opposite, very involved in our and the kids lives, helps every single week, a brilliant grandad.

Forget about Christmas Day and instead start a new Christmas tradition with them. We go to my parents for an early Christmas Eve dinner every year. My mum makes a little stocking for the kids that they open there. She'll cook food that the kids like to eat. We can leave early enough to get all set up for Santa at home. Basically she makes an effort to make it work for us and it's a very special part of our Christmas now.