Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Girls weekend potentially ruined

211 replies

PumpkinQueen24 · Today 14:48

So im a mum of two (oldest 14) and have never ever left my kids to go away with friends, hardly ever go out. Me and 3 friends decided to book a weekend away for one of their birthdays. Friday-sunday abroad. We booked it a year ago and iv been so so excited to go. Now all my in laws live 8 hours away and father in law hasn't been well with substance abuse, has been going on for years and has gotten worse. Husband has turned round and said he might have to go there next week to help his family out, with it being 8 hours to get there he would be gone at least 3 days, last time was a week. I reminded him im going away and has said well you might need to sort out childcare for them...my family live 2 hours away so if he does go then im gna have to cancel my weekend away. I can't help but feel angry and disappointed. I never put myself first and finally decided to do something for myself and now I might not be able to go. I havent voiced any of this to him as I feel selfish for even thinking this as hes going through alot with his family. But there's always drama with his family as both his parents have struggled with addiction which is why we dont see them alot. He can't even go the following week to see them as we have booked a holiday for half term.

OP posts:
Noodles1234 · Today 20:39

I think your DH needs supporting with his dysfunctional family, but only in the sense of you BOTH come to a solution for childcare as you are away.

feelingfree17 · Today 20:51

Don’t for a minute be fooled, he would have been planning this dick move the moment he heard you were going away. You have never put yourself first, and hasn’t that just been so convenient for him. If possible leave him out of the equation and plan for the children to stay with friends, and walk out that door.
You have to go, whatever it takes.

Whatthefork1 · Today 21:06

This father has been like this for years and the weekend you’re going away, which you have never done before and has been booked for a year is suddenly the best time for him to go??
totally out of order. Please don’t feel selfish about this. You are not going to be there so he HAS to stay and look after HIS children!

ConsideringBaby2 · Today 21:14

Hatty65 · Today 14:59

No. You say, 'John - I am away on my first ever trip that has been booked for a year and I have been looking forward to. You are the parent looking after the girls that weekend, so unless you figure something out you won't be going to your parents at that point. I am not cancelling my plans and letting my friends down because once again your adult parents have problems with addictions.'

And mean it. If he decides he's going then he's an abusive arsehole who is deliberately fucking up your plans out of spite and I'd be looking at divorce.

^

ProudCat · Today 21:16

"No" is a whole sentence. Learn it. Love it.

20centurySteph · Today 21:19

I would agree I think you need to tell him how you feel and you should not constantly have to drop everything because of his family. At some point you’ve planned this for a year and he needs to figure out what he’s going to do instead of expecting you to enable him to go and enable his family’s drama. This is all enabling behavior, which does not help with substance abuse issues. It’s not his job to go take care of things. His responsibility is to his wife and his two children first. It is not your responsibility to take care of everything that’s on his plate so that he can go play the hero. He needs to know how you feel.

99bottlesofkombucha · Today 21:29

He can skip the family holiday and go then. I’d tell his dad has been an addict his whole life and if the one time you are ever going away is the one time he suddenly suspiciously needs to be there for his dad, he can stay there for his dad and not come back. If you don’t go on this trip because he’s found a way to block you, he’s not welcome in your home.

SocksandGloves · Today 21:29

Hold on.
It's been planned for a year.
Life things do happen..but... Why can't he sort out childcare?
Am I being naive to think you work together and support each other.
He knows you are going away, he can surely sort childcare for his children.

grrrlatrix · Today 21:29

Meh. You’ve sorted childcare: him.
If he can no longer do it, HE needs to arrange something.

He’s sabotaging you.

Namechangewegovyjune26 · Today 21:30

Whatthefork1 · Today 21:06

This father has been like this for years and the weekend you’re going away, which you have never done before and has been booked for a year is suddenly the best time for him to go??
totally out of order. Please don’t feel selfish about this. You are not going to be there so he HAS to stay and look after HIS children!

Yes, yes and yes!

It’s all an excus for you not to go, OP. I would leave the day before so he can’t go off and leave you in the lurch. He needs to find childcare as you had this in the diary.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · Today 21:31

I agree with everyone else - you have long standing plans, so if he wants to go away, he’ll need to sort childcare.

if you don’t go out much and have never been away overnight without your children, I take it your husband hasn’t ever really been responsible for them by himself?

dreamingofgoodhair · Today 21:35

I completely get what everyone is saying and I totally agree. However , he’s the sort of arsehole who would leave the day before her break leaving her high and dry. If he does this @PumpkinQueen24I would absolutely leave. Don’t let your kids think this is ok.

seahorsessky · Today 21:36

If my husband had wanted to go out with his friends when my mum was ill, and expected me to put staying with them first just so he could go out like a teenager, he'd have been out like a teenager every weekend as I wouldn't have wanted him back. I wouldn't have forgiven him, but I'd not have had to ask, he'd have put helping family first.

dreamingofgoodhair · Today 21:36

TISSHA · Today 14:55

I’m so sorry, can imagine you are feeling gutted. But don’t give up yet!

Could you get them to your family at all? If the eldest is 14, they could go together in a taxi on their own? With phones and a family member on call in case of issues.

Friends? Even if they have to juggle around, could you ask if they can stay with friends for the weekend?

Babysitter? Our regular one was a student and often did overnights if we were travelling with work.

Could your husband stay with the kids til Sat morning and then drop them to your family on his way to his Dad?

Either of your parents - could they come and stay at yours and hold the fort?

If you can sort friends for the Sunday then your DH can drop the kids to their house first thing Sunday morning and head to his parents. Then he can be there til Fri/he needs to be back for the half term holiday?

Keep trying, something will turn up!!

No need for this rigmarole, he’s the dad , he stays home.

likelysuspect · Today 21:38

OP not been back

I think it would be helpful on the OP where it says (at the moment) 188 replies. It should also say 3 posts from OP, or something like that

Saves me bothering to click on 'see all' for OP to check if they've bothered to come back.

Awkwardisfunny · Today 21:40

PumpkinQueen24 · Today 14:48

So im a mum of two (oldest 14) and have never ever left my kids to go away with friends, hardly ever go out. Me and 3 friends decided to book a weekend away for one of their birthdays. Friday-sunday abroad. We booked it a year ago and iv been so so excited to go. Now all my in laws live 8 hours away and father in law hasn't been well with substance abuse, has been going on for years and has gotten worse. Husband has turned round and said he might have to go there next week to help his family out, with it being 8 hours to get there he would be gone at least 3 days, last time was a week. I reminded him im going away and has said well you might need to sort out childcare for them...my family live 2 hours away so if he does go then im gna have to cancel my weekend away. I can't help but feel angry and disappointed. I never put myself first and finally decided to do something for myself and now I might not be able to go. I havent voiced any of this to him as I feel selfish for even thinking this as hes going through alot with his family. But there's always drama with his family as both his parents have struggled with addiction which is why we dont see them alot. He can't even go the following week to see them as we have booked a holiday for half term.

Can't see any further updates or replies from you. As others have said: your partner is the one who needs to sort childcare as he was scheduled to look after them alone for the last year. It's not your responsibility. His needs don't take priority over yours and by extension: that means his family too. Go on your holiday and make it clear you intend to do that. If it were me, I'd secretly leave a day or two before and stay with a friend overnight or in a hotel. Text him after leaving to explain so he can't do the same to you and is forced to stay home.

What are your thoughts? Are you seeing things any differently? Is there context we're not aware of?

dogproblems1 · Today 21:51

Why is it you who has to sort out childcare? He is the one choosing to go knowing you made plans, he needs to sort out childcare!

Is he an equal partner in this relationship or another child for you to parent?

itsgettingatadchill · Today 21:56

He needs to sort childcare op. You have plans that he is completely aware of so it’s up to him to sort it out. Just keep reminding him that it’s his responsibility.

Cleo65 · Today 21:57

Your husband is a manipulative duckwit, but you probably knew that already...

MadinMarch · Today 22:12

NopeNotThat · Today 14:51

Red line for divorce.

His kids come first. His wife IS away and he IS the childcare. If he doesn't have childcare then he will need to sort it if he wants to go without them.

This!

Oldrivet · Today 22:13

OP any way you could drop the girls at your parents the day before just so you know they are in good care. I worry that if you leave things with him to sort out, he'll probably find another excuse to ruin your holiday. It shouldn't be this way but if he is doing this on purpose, it might make sense.
Sorry my kids' dad would do exactly the same kind of things and I never felt at ease leaving them with him alone because he just wouldn't look after them properly as he saw that as 'my' job and it was his way of controlling me. I never went out either.

Yes, we're divorced now for many years!

Joeylove88 · Today 22:16

How many weekends away has your husband had? Sorting childcare is his problem or he can wait until your home to see his family. It does come across like he's purposely needing to go away on that particular weekend to stop you from going and having fun!

blackcatlove · Today 22:28

Your husband needs to sort childcare!!

He sounds an utterly controlling selfish dickhead!

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · Today 22:30

No, you don't need to cancel or sort childcare.
They are also his children and your weekend away was booked, if he wants to go he sorts the childcare, it's really fucking simple.

Grammarnut · Today 22:33

seahorsessky · Today 21:36

If my husband had wanted to go out with his friends when my mum was ill, and expected me to put staying with them first just so he could go out like a teenager, he'd have been out like a teenager every weekend as I wouldn't have wanted him back. I wouldn't have forgiven him, but I'd not have had to ask, he'd have put helping family first.

This makes no sense. OP's DH has decided that the one week-end ever that OP has planned to be away he must go and visit his addicted parents. He is sabotaging OP's week-end. He needs telling that childcare is his responsibility since OP has planned to be away and that's that. And go.