Girls weekend potentially ruined

[PumpkinQueen24]

So im a mum of two (oldest 14) and have never ever left my kids to go away with friends, hardly ever go out. Me and 3 friends decided to book a weekend away for one of their birthdays. Friday-sunday abroad. We booked it a year ago and iv been so so excited to go. Now all my in laws live 8 hours away and father in law hasn't been well with substance abuse, has been going on for years and has gotten worse. Husband has turned round and said he might have to go there next week to help his family out, with it being 8 hours to get there he would be gone at least 3 days, last time was a week. I reminded him im going away and has said well you might need to sort out childcare for them...my family live 2 hours away so if he does go then im gna have to cancel my weekend away. I can't help but feel angry and disappointed. I never put myself first and finally decided to do something for myself and now I might not be able to go. I havent voiced any of this to him as I feel selfish for even thinking this as hes going through alot with his family. But there's always drama with his family as both his parents have struggled with addiction which is why we dont see them alot. He can't even go the following week to see them as we have booked a holiday for half term.

If you reach your arm around behind and feel for the centre of your back, you'll feel a sort of knobbly vertical line.

This is your backbone. Now that's you've found it, use it.

"DH, you are responsible for the children that weekend because I booked to go away a year ago. This is your problem to solve. I leave on Friday at lunchtime."

So when HE's away, he expects you to sort childcare (by doing it), and when YOU'RE away, he expects you to sort childcare.

He just sounds like a bit of an arsehole, I'm afraid. I just can't understand why it's only your responsibility to look after the kids.

Is his father at end of life? If not, I’d be telling DH to jog on, that it’s his responsibility to sort child care. Don’t cancel your weekend away.

Has he always been a selfish prick?

Tell him that you're definitely going and if he decides to leave his children then he'll have to arrange child care or take them with him.

You = definitely going away
him = definitely cant go anywhere

simple
if he goes away he takes kids

No! For some reason, it’s more fun to focus on one tiny, ambiguous aspect of the problem. I wish I understood why people do this.

I suspect the timing of the husband's visit is no accident. Prick.

The kids aren’t babies why can’t he take them?

Because sometimes the Ops don't realise what the bigger picture actually is. Give the Op a break here!

Op - as others have asked, is the situation concerning your father different to other times?

This!

It seems like a whopping coincidence that the one weekend you plan to be away, he suddenly needs to go to his family.

How old is your youngest, out of interest?

Pack them off to friends houses for the weekend. My kids have stayed at friend’s houses so we could go away as a couple. And I’ve returned the favour plenty of times.

The rest of you go on the half-term holiday and let him visit his parents then, while you have a nice peaceful time (involving no more effort than you would usually have, and possibly less).

Oh, his visit isn't that urgent then?

Sounds like deliberate sabotage, doesn't it?

Also wanted to add that you need to tell him the childcare is his issue to sort out, not yours. You’ve had your weekend booked in long before him.

No, HE needs to sort out childcare if HE needs to change his plans at the last minute.

Absolutely not. They're his kidd too, he can sort the childcare for something you've had booked in for a year. Disappointed to see people coming up with ridiculous solutions for a problem that's his to solve.

A taxi 8 hours away? Are you paying?

Agree with the above, OP.

Why on earth would YOU be sorting childcare when your trip was planned, booked and paid for a year in advance? He would now like to be away same time and therefore will need to arrange childcare you know, for HIS CHILDREN.

I am not trying to minimise substance use disorders, Lord knows I have been through it with my family. Seriously. So I say this gently, he isn’t going to “fix” anything by being there, and it’s not urgent (or I’m assuming he’d be on his way now).

Definitely, sit down with him one on one and empathise about the PIL but say you can’t let the girls (or yourself!) down and so he will need to think re: childcare or go visit when you’re back.

The other thing is, it may not be malicious but if you’ve not left the kids to go away ever before then it’s new territory for both of you and maybe he does feel weird/worried/whatever about it even if he doesn’t realise it and is trying to think of a reason to stop you.

I echo all PPs.
In your DH’s mind you occupy third place.
No, OP. That is not how it should be.
If he’d told me it was my responsibility to arrange childcare when it’s his, I’d adopt the tough shit stance, make him sort it and arrange another weekend away.

Husband sounds a complete Arse.

I’m relieved someone else has pointed out that him being there hasn’t fixed his parents’ situation because that’s what I think too.
Their lack of responsibility has increased yours, is about to limit your life while your DH sails between both sections of his family regardless. Don’t let this happen.

I would be telling him straight that he cant go that weekend as you are away and its on him to arrange childcare. He can take the kids up there for the weekend.

This. HE needs to sort childcare if he goes away, it's not YOU having to sort childcare.

I’d say calmly “DP, be honest with me, are you timing this so that I don’t get to go away?”

Have a calm conversation. Hopefully he’ll “prove” that he’s not by changing his plans.

Can’t he go this week and be back before your trip?