My daughter keeps stealing

[iamlost2026]

Hello. I am at a last resort to post here.
My daughter is 9, I have referred her for a possible adhd diagnosis.
The teacher she had last year noticed lots of fidgeting, can't sit still, always has to be on the go doing something, picking at the peeling skin on her hands

But for the last couple of months my daughter is stealing
Money from her dads wallet, to the tune of 50 pound, money from friends to the point she's now not allowed back in their house
And she has walked into the shop and stolen from there too.

She's stolen from classmates, usually lip gloss or hair bobbles. She's stolen from her teacher usually post it notes or a high lighter

A parent has just approached me to say she noticed her child's tooth fairy money is missing and my daughter was the last person in the childs room playing with them.
I am distraught and embarrassed

I genuinely do not know what to do here. She will be made to give the money back as always, but she doesn't seem to care. I can promise you now she will not be bothered.
Grounding her doesn't work as again she doesn't seem to care, she doesn't have a tablet to take off her. Shouting at her doesn't work, I cannot stress enough how unbothered she is about what she has gone. She will not show any emotion

My younger daughter is starting to copy this behaviour and steal from the shop and her classmates. I am genuinely very worried for them ending up in trouble with the police and or having no friends left

I have already spoken to the Additional support needs teachers within the school as they helped me to do the referal but they did admit its about a 50 month waiting list. I do not have money to go private. I know I can't excuse her behaviour as having adhd but I can't figure out why she is behaving like this.

Me and her dad are still together, we've been together almost 13 years so its not like she's got trauma from that, nobody in the family has passed away recently. I genuinely cannot explain what is going on

It doesn't matter what Country that i have ever lived in and what their norm is. My 4-5 year old does not go ANYWHERE without being with an adult.
I'm assuming that in Switzerland (or anywhere else) it wouldn't be encouraged if the child was stealing from shops enroute!
What does have 'The Vapours' mean!?

OP it sounds really difficult. Walking her to/from school is clearly a start. But the stealing from friends is harder to stop and more dangerous for her social life. How well do you know her friends' mums? Any way you can give them a heads up, apologize in advance and ask that you be informed of anything missing - without thereby killing off your daughter's social life?

One thing that stands out to me is that you say there is no emotion in response to being told off or losing opportunities as a consequence of her behaviour. It clearly puzzles you (would me too). What could be going on there?

It reminds me of my daughter who was diagnosed far too late with ADD and high-functioning autism (she only stole a couple of times, but she'd often tell obvious lies, then try to cover those with more lies and when told off it would be water off a duck's back).

Could it be that your daughter does mind but is careful not to show it? Trying to 'tough it out' (my daughter did)? Or that, besides the obvious thrill-seeking aspect, she actually does feel that there's something missing somewhere and the stolen objects, and the act of stealing them, stand for something?

I'm speculating wildly, but the implication of these questions is that while you need to be clear about your disapproval of the stealing, it is also important that you maintain close contact and watch her for indications of something troubling her. You're not likely to get very far by quizzing her about the why; you're better off trying to see patterns, some kind of unspoken logic. Explore her emotions more widely to see where the stealing fits in.

What would be the best response to whatever motivation you may guess at is yet another question. The main point is, be firm but don't leave her feeling rejected. And be prepared for a long road.

I would go back to GP and ask for referral again. It does sound like ADHD.

No, probably not - because I didn’t know. But perhaps if an interested/invested adult or a professional had looked at things in the round/holistically they MIGHT have put 2+2 together and made 4 (like I say, I have multiple classic traits and have done since childhood, which would have maybe been identifiable) Or maybe not - I was a young child in an era where ‘no-one had’ ADHD, and parented in an environment where Being A Good Girl (achieve academically, comply, do not be noisy/take up space/show me up etc) was paramount.
But we know so much more now and are so much more child-centred which is why I’d urge OP to persist in looking into this with and for her daughter. I would think it very rare and unlikely that a child would just persistently steal and there not be some kind of underlying issue or cause. .

Also with the rows of ever expanding massive cars lining each side of streets and blocking sight lines for anyone trying to cross roads or be seen crossing, given all the traffic, children aged 4-5 would get killed.

Hi OP, to me this sound like a type of sensory seeking behaviour, the thrill or risk of stealing can be an impulse, linked to ADHD and / or autism. Like an adrenaline rush. I’ve seen this before, I think you need to try and find something to replace that. Is she generally happy?

Sometimes children take things to have something of the person they are stealing from - my nephew used to steal from us but it was to do with him not wanting to leave us so he would take something instead.

This might explain the random taking of people's things. Taking the money sounds more like a practical solution to get the sweets she craves, or stealing the sweets if she has no money.

I have a friend whose daughter did this but she stopped when she got adhd meds.