My daughter keeps stealing

[iamlost2026]

Hello. I am at a last resort to post here.
My daughter is 9, I have referred her for a possible adhd diagnosis.
The teacher she had last year noticed lots of fidgeting, can't sit still, always has to be on the go doing something, picking at the peeling skin on her hands

But for the last couple of months my daughter is stealing
Money from her dads wallet, to the tune of 50 pound, money from friends to the point she's now not allowed back in their house
And she has walked into the shop and stolen from there too.

She's stolen from classmates, usually lip gloss or hair bobbles. She's stolen from her teacher usually post it notes or a high lighter

A parent has just approached me to say she noticed her child's tooth fairy money is missing and my daughter was the last person in the childs room playing with them.
I am distraught and embarrassed

I genuinely do not know what to do here. She will be made to give the money back as always, but she doesn't seem to care. I can promise you now she will not be bothered.
Grounding her doesn't work as again she doesn't seem to care, she doesn't have a tablet to take off her. Shouting at her doesn't work, I cannot stress enough how unbothered she is about what she has gone. She will not show any emotion

My younger daughter is starting to copy this behaviour and steal from the shop and her classmates. I am genuinely very worried for them ending up in trouble with the police and or having no friends left

I have already spoken to the Additional support needs teachers within the school as they helped me to do the referal but they did admit its about a 50 month waiting list. I do not have money to go private. I know I can't excuse her behaviour as having adhd but I can't figure out why she is behaving like this.

Me and her dad are still together, we've been together almost 13 years so its not like she's got trauma from that, nobody in the family has passed away recently. I genuinely cannot explain what is going on

No more visits to friends houses. I would definately take her to your local police station as well. Go and speak to them first. A good cop will always take the time to speak to her.
When my youngest was about her age he stole money from me, I was devastated. I took him to the local station and wpc was fantastic.

Yes, I recognise this in myself. I would do it as a tween. Not at the OP's child's age as I wasn't ever in a position to, but a bit older.

I don't now, obviously.

This sounds so hard for you all.

You are starting right in terms of working out if it’s ADHD. She’s probably after the quick thrill/dopamine. She’s a child and needs to learn and you have to teach her calmly so that she has a good narrartive.

• Remove the opportunity to steal , so as others have said and you’ve agreed she can’t go out alone or be in a situation where she’s got the opportunity.
• Be brief and explain each time what she’s done and why it’s wrong. Stay calm and factual rather than give more of a reaction.
• Make sure she repays the stolen things.
• Give praise the rewards for when she asks/earns things that she wants. Reward positive habits.

You’ll need to work on your own reactions to prevent shaming/reacting in what is a really understandable way, and feeling the harsh judgement of others.

you maybe missed it, but does she get pocket money op? Could it be she doesn’t have access to money like other kids and just wants sweets and baubles so steals to get them?

Regarding your first two lines: surely the whole point is that they aren't serving the daughter. She is stealing stuff?

If she does have adhd, what a lot of them seek out is a dopamine hit. It's a instant but not long lasting high she gets from doing it. Hence why she keeps doing it. She's too young to maybe put into words x

From what I've read, she enjoys helping other kids and being nice, but if she wants something, she's ruthless about it and doesn't seem to experience guilt or remorse. Really not a good sign of character, especially at her age. I don't think you can fully judge someone's personality by how they behave when they want to do something, or when things are going their way, but by how they behave when things don't go their way, by what they're willing to sacrifice or do without for another's benefit.

People have talked about this being ADHD. Yes, that may be part of it, but that comes across as quite a middle class, palatable assumption as to why a child is misbehaving. It could also be that she's simply energetic and that doesn't mean it should be medicated away, and even if she did have ADHD, she may simply be a lack of empathy that is separate from any ADHD - that's why you get the shoulder shrug. She basically doesn't care but knows she can't say that to you.

Because she doesn't seem to care about the distress that she causes others, you need to make her care about her own interests by adequate punishment. Is that happening at the moment?

I think she is probably unhappy, rather than asking why she takes things ask if and why she is unhappy, do you favour her younger sibling (not deliberately), does she feel a lot of pressure as the older sibling? Does she have few friends and feels isolated at school. I know chickens and eggs there.

Is there a school psychologist or school
social worker where you are? I think maybe you are in Europen country where children usually go to the local village school - it’s walkable and they walk alone from a younger age than in the UK.
And maybe the culture has less supervision than the Uk.
If I am correct and the school has a school social worker or psychologist I would ask to speak to them. It’s not that unusual for children to go through a stealing phase. But hers seem a bit more. What happens when something is stolen from her? Have you tried it?
Also her ok about losing the activity I think she likely is upset but doesn’t want to show it.
Maybe on one of the walks have a calm and non confrontational chat about stealing as a topic and not her personally. Why might someone steal. And see what she says.

My brother and I stole a lot as kids and late teens. My brother from about age 7 to 17, me from 17 to 20. Stable family background, parents together. Probably some ND in the family but nothing diagnosed.

I stole because of depression, I felt so numb that the adrenaline of stealing was the only thing that made me feel anything. I only stole from shops but quite big items. My brother stole from absolutely everyone and everywhere, and ended up in court. I’m not entirely sure why he did it. Our parents didn’t give us a huge amount of attention apart from telling us do well at school, though they were loving in a 70s kind of way. We didn’t do any fun activities, just the occasional walk. I guess we didn’t feel seen or stood up for, we just existed alongside them. They both worked a lot and had long commutes so we were left to our own devices a lot.

I guess I’m saying your DD’s lack of emotion is ringing a bit of an alarm bell for me, it seems more like she’s very unhappy than just wanting some sweeties. Obviously I’m projecting but reasons for stealing can be very complex

It's not a school problem if she's stealing outside school. The GP is trying to pass the buck.

I think I’d see if I could get the police to talk to her actually. Do you know anyone who is in the police?? The reality is theft is illegal!
Next time it happens you could encourage the victim to talk to the police. Your consequences aren’t strong enough whatever they are; otherwise she would care…

Hi, I have experience with ADHD and with children in schools and therapy and your daughter sounds like a lovely child with lots of potential who is finding something a struggle. Sounds vague I know! But I’ve seen it in kids with ADHD lots- a real sense of justice and focus on helping others but somehow with little tics that trip them up and get them in trouble.
Sometimes stealing can be a way of showing that they feel less than somehow. Is there sibling rivalry? Or a sense of missing out or having less than those around her? I’d recommend play therapy (or counselling using symbolic techniques like sand or toys).
Getting a diagnosis is a struggle but worth the effort.
Edited to add: yes, depression does ring a bell. Maybe look at valuable personal time you have together. This might be behind the feeling of being “less”

I have an ADHD child and parenting her has been a challenge, to put it mildly. She is a fantastic, funny, and responsible teenager now but as parents we intervened early and hard as problematic behaviours became apparent.
First, we found out what mattered to her. Is it money or treats? She has a currency, perhaps it’s not apparent.

Then we kept her so busy that she had no time to chase dopamine highs. She did indoor rock climbing, basketball, gymnastics, dancing, and BMX racing. We didn’t use any of these things as punishments or rewards. She had to do them regardless of what else was going on. If she got through a class without being told off, she got to pick a reward for herself. Generally though, she burned off her energy and got a lot of dopamine.

We took her to therapy. Is your daughter doing well at school? Mine wasn’t, her self esteem was shot and she had trouble making friends. Therapy was actually a lifesaver. It wasn’t about the ADHD. It focused on strategies for managing the consequences of ADHD.

I am exhausted, poorer and my career took a hit. But it was worth it.

I have known 2 boys stealing. One was caught and police called. Parents went ballistic. Stealing stopped.

Other one was not dealt with appropriately parents denied it was him stealing and believed his lies. So it progressed to then taking and driving cars, stealing from work colleagues, then from DM. Went to prison several times and still continuing the same way.

She needs to be doing activities that are structured and “rewards based” but not like gymnastics or dancing where everyone has to conform to a certain quite limited stereotype. Not just doing activities that tire her out but are quite unstructured. That’s why things like karate classes are brimful of kids who need that. Look at martial arts for girls.

Sorry to hear about the stealing, my friend's daughter is a bit younger and doing the same. She's also lost as to what to do and just gets the advice from the paediatrician and social services type thing that it's normal.

Don't listen to the people on here accusing you of neglect because your 9 year old walks to school by themselves. In Germany it's entirely normal for 6 year olds to go to school by themselves already, walking or biking up to 2km or more. My son is 8 and there's only a handful of kids in his class whose parents still bring them.

Does she get pocket money to spend how she pleases?

This behaviour sounds deeply concerning, and professional support from her GP and school would be appropriate. Calm, consistent boundaries alongside exploring the reasons behind the behaviour may be more effective than punishment alone.

Perhaps she doesn’t feel she has anything ‘special’ and is seeking that? Some form of connection, something that she truly values?

Comment in response to you saying she has nothing to confiscate and now hobbies to stop

It's likely adhd poor impulse control. One of mine was like this from 10ish to mid teens. Only when she was older was she diagnosed with adhd. It made sense.

Yes, it's around a third behind so she's more like a six year old (if she does have ADHD) and you wouldn't let a 6yo walk to school alone.

Is she autistic potentially too?

the obvious answer here is she is never ever left unsupervised in other people’s houses/ at shops / walking alone to school

How is her sister getting to school ? How old is she ?
Shes stealing to buy sweets from the shop.
She should not be walking on her own to school and she’s probably bouncing and fidgeting from all the sugar she’s eating from the shop!
What are you thinking?
Shes literally losing friends over this!! .