My daughter keeps stealing

[iamlost2026]

Hello. I am at a last resort to post here.
My daughter is 9, I have referred her for a possible adhd diagnosis.
The teacher she had last year noticed lots of fidgeting, can't sit still, always has to be on the go doing something, picking at the peeling skin on her hands

But for the last couple of months my daughter is stealing
Money from her dads wallet, to the tune of 50 pound, money from friends to the point she's now not allowed back in their house
And she has walked into the shop and stolen from there too.

She's stolen from classmates, usually lip gloss or hair bobbles. She's stolen from her teacher usually post it notes or a high lighter

A parent has just approached me to say she noticed her child's tooth fairy money is missing and my daughter was the last person in the childs room playing with them.
I am distraught and embarrassed

I genuinely do not know what to do here. She will be made to give the money back as always, but she doesn't seem to care. I can promise you now she will not be bothered.
Grounding her doesn't work as again she doesn't seem to care, she doesn't have a tablet to take off her. Shouting at her doesn't work, I cannot stress enough how unbothered she is about what she has gone. She will not show any emotion

My younger daughter is starting to copy this behaviour and steal from the shop and her classmates. I am genuinely very worried for them ending up in trouble with the police and or having no friends left

I have already spoken to the Additional support needs teachers within the school as they helped me to do the referal but they did admit its about a 50 month waiting list. I do not have money to go private. I know I can't excuse her behaviour as having adhd but I can't figure out why she is behaving like this.

Me and her dad are still together, we've been together almost 13 years so its not like she's got trauma from that, nobody in the family has passed away recently. I genuinely cannot explain what is going on

I went through it with Dd, it never stopped, but eventually she grew up and moved out.

This is very common and needs nipping in the bud. I told DD7 that thieves have no friends at all, and we had a long discussion about why she would not be friends with a thief and that thieves steal, not people who lack something they want/need. It is harsh but true, she need to appreciate she is being judged for her behaviour and soon no one will invite her anywhere.

Did you do this with your daughter though?

I would hide one of her prized belongings then when she became upset I'd say I hope someone didn't steal it. I would then tell her thats exactly how the people you steal from feel. She may or may not contemplate it but those are my thoughts.

I have told her this
She has already lost friends from stealing things/money from their house and really does not seem impacted by it
She had an activity she was supposed to go to tonight but upon finding out thats what she has done, she obviously isn't allowed to go and just said "ok"
There is no emotion

We did all but 60 years ago.

Walked to the bus stop at the end of our road. Bus dropped at the school.

Reverse at the end of the day.

Walked a mile or so home from previous school well before 9.

If your Daughter's problem isn't dealt with very very harshly or with proper professional help she will most likely to escalate. ADHD is not a get out clause for bad behaviour and she must have proper consequences. Otherwise what will likely happen, eventually she will, as an adult, land up in jail as a criminal.

Yes, about a year ago
The lady in the shop laughed at me and said I was being ridiculous and they couldn't possibly stop children from coming in
That member of staff has since left but I must have spoken to easily 11 new members of staff about not allowing my children in but they just look at me like I am mad
I don't think the message is really hitting home and yes I have used the word stealing, shop lifting. They just say they will keep a better eye on it

'Big walks' doesn't sound like much fun especially as you are doing it to tire them out rather than it being enjoyable . My X used to do this during his access and the kids hated it . There must be a reason rather than just that she is naughty . Has she got low self esteem, is she happy in herself ? Could she be depressed ?

I think you're trying to do all the right things but she probably needs professional help , maybe the GP could help or refer her on . It must be really hard for you when you don't know why .

No I promise, I wasn't trying to use adhd as a get out free card
I was mainly just trying to paint the whole picture.
I do have a community police officer and my next point of call is to speak to him

I have also spoken to the gp who said its not really a gp problem, its more of a school problem as the school knows her better

Because punishments are not working and an assessment is likely to be far away
worth reading this book which has excellent strategies for parenting children with additional needs

Prof. Ross Greene the explosive child

This my thoughts exactly she is not being supervised and she should not being going anywhere on her own at this age it's neglect! I'm not surprised she stealing she's probably bored and needing attention sorry but even at 11 that is the youngest I.let mine walk to school x.

Big walks was probably the wrong word, walks through woods, walks to a waterfall that they get to splash around in, a walk that has wood land type statues, walks that has a natural play park more that sort of thing
I don't think she's depressed but then again I don't think I would even know what I am looking for
She seems like a happy type of little girl she loves helping with her little sister and any younger kids in our area she always makes sure they are okay, tries to help them ride their bikes - which is why its hurt even more than she's taken someone whose 4 years younger than her - tooth fairy money
She loves baking, always tries to help out with that
I don't want to paint her as some feral beast thats cutting about knicking any money she sees I just feel so utterly fucking lost

I understand from a stealing perspective why she shouldn't but its very common here. The school is barely even 7 minutes away. Children as young as 7 are walking to school. Just so happens there is a shop that they walk past on the way

If it was negelct the school wouldn't allow children to leave the premises on their own but they do so it must be considered ok. In many European schools children go to school on their own from much younger ages.

She can’t explain why she’s doing it because she doesn’t understand it, it’s a feeling. A dopamine rush that she’s getting, people with ADHD have lower levels of dopamine and it’s also absorbed very quickly, she’s found something that’s giving her a rush and she’s chasing it. I know because I have ADHD and used to have the same habit although not stealing from family members or friends, I apparently had a moral line I wouldn’t cross. I’m not proud of it but I understand now that I’m an adult what was causing me to do it. I grew out of it when I thought something else to give me that same rush, I know rewarding this behaviour doesn’t sound like the right thing to do but finding her something new to feed off might help.

Tell her if she steals ONE more thing you will walk into the shop and tell them and she will get barred.

Meaning she will never be able to go to the shop again. Forever!

They might even stick a picture of her face on the door.

And other than that ground her for a period. No trips, no tv, no nothing. Go read a book.

Is there an activity she could do that carries an element of managed risk and is exciting, to give her the adrenalin rush?
Meanwhile, I'd focus 'punishment' on positive reparation. So if she steals from a shop, she has to not only return it, earn enough through chores to pay for the item, then put it in the charity box.

It is England only.

It's through GP in wales and they just seem to sit on lists.

It's been uni where diagnosis have come.

We did have issue with DS and this worse as school let it slide for a while before telling us. Came down like a tonn of bricks - made him pay back and write apology - school seems shokced how serious we took it. Also his older sibling took it upon themselves to be round him at break and lunch with her friends not his.

We did later have problems with him getting round restcitions with mobile - teen - and buying in game running up a huge phone bill - we thought it was locked down so he couldn't.

We had huge issue round him not seeming to care about punishments as well.

More supervision and trying other activties to get dopamine hits - and talk to the school SENCO see what they think and say - they may be useful or may be another hurdle.

My friends DC with ADHD did this aged 6-7. The sweets were a sugar rush. The stealing also gave them a rush. What they did was to search them when they were leaving the house and again when they returned. Bags, clothes, bedroom. They'd steal food they fancied leaving wrappers hidden in the loo. They'd do the same at others homes family and friends school friends lunch boxes . They gained weight had melt downs.

It was hard work catching them every single time but you have to do this every day.

I'm sorry it's hard.

The consequences are close supervision and frequent reminders of why she cant walk to school on her own or play at friends houses. I would also search her pockets and bag every time she leaves the house. You will need to be very firm and 'on' this.

Could you also make her sit down and write a long letter of apology each time she steals? And then make her go and hand it over?

You say that you are making her return items but are you making her go and apologise and asking the "victims" to tell her how they felt when they found out that their items had been taken?

@iamlost2026 from experience I recognise this as ADHD behaviour. Potentially related to pre puberty hormones and the dopamine satisfaction from sweets You need to make sure she can't get access to money in the home, School are alert to times where she could have opportunity to steal, and make the shops she goes into aware of the problem. It might be helpful if they tell her she can only go in with an adult. You may need to stop her going to friends' houses for now too.
She may well try to steal and secrete sweets and snacks in the house too. Controlled access to regular sweet treats can help. Hyper vigilance is the best strategy and removing as many opportunities / temptations as possible. She should grow out of it.

If she has ADHD then stopping dance class is bad idea - it allows energy burn off
and if she is dopamine seeking you need to find better things to meet her needs than just punishing her
she sounds like an otherwise lovely child to have around