My daughter keeps stealing

[iamlost2026]

Hello. I am at a last resort to post here.
My daughter is 9, I have referred her for a possible adhd diagnosis.
The teacher she had last year noticed lots of fidgeting, can't sit still, always has to be on the go doing something, picking at the peeling skin on her hands

But for the last couple of months my daughter is stealing
Money from her dads wallet, to the tune of 50 pound, money from friends to the point she's now not allowed back in their house
And she has walked into the shop and stolen from there too.

She's stolen from classmates, usually lip gloss or hair bobbles. She's stolen from her teacher usually post it notes or a high lighter

A parent has just approached me to say she noticed her child's tooth fairy money is missing and my daughter was the last person in the childs room playing with them.
I am distraught and embarrassed

I genuinely do not know what to do here. She will be made to give the money back as always, but she doesn't seem to care. I can promise you now she will not be bothered.
Grounding her doesn't work as again she doesn't seem to care, she doesn't have a tablet to take off her. Shouting at her doesn't work, I cannot stress enough how unbothered she is about what she has gone. She will not show any emotion

My younger daughter is starting to copy this behaviour and steal from the shop and her classmates. I am genuinely very worried for them ending up in trouble with the police and or having no friends left

I have already spoken to the Additional support needs teachers within the school as they helped me to do the referal but they did admit its about a 50 month waiting list. I do not have money to go private. I know I can't excuse her behaviour as having adhd but I can't figure out why she is behaving like this.

Me and her dad are still together, we've been together almost 13 years so its not like she's got trauma from that, nobody in the family has passed away recently. I genuinely cannot explain what is going on

Round here, children aren't allowed to walk to and from school on their own till Year 6, so 10 at the earliest. You have already said you're going to stop that, which is good. I wouldn't let her out of my sight for now. I would say no play dates for a few months, and talk to her lots in the meantime about how no-one will want to be friends with her if she steals from them. It may also be worth mentioning that the age for criminal responsibility is now 10 - they can be taken to youth court. Keep pursuing the ADHD diagnosis - I would be saving up for it. Could school get her some talk time or counselling in the meantime?

My daughter did this. She's in her mid 30s now and a well paid professional, great mom, married for over 10 years, super functional and successful life.

We never got to the bottom of it. Suspected ADHD tendencies. Couldn't sit still. A bit of a loner. Never really 100% part of anything. Nearest we got was that it was something to do with secrecy and getting a little dopamine hit. She sort of grew out of it but had a problematic spending habit (impulsive) until her early 20s. I had to dig her out of debt a couple of times. Difficult to explain. There was something that reminded me of addiction about her behaviour even though she was a kid. She didn't go on to smoke, drink or do any drugs. She always said that she knew it would be dangerous for her.

Sorry, that's probably not much use. Our other 2 kids weren't like this.

Lots of armchair psychologists here keen to diagnose your daughter.

It could be ADHD or it could be many other things. Can you get her assessed? I realize it may take some time.

Psychologically speaking, if she is gaining more from stealing than she is losing from the consequences - and you say she is indifferent to consequences - then it is going to be hard to get her to stop. Does she have friends?

if punishments are not to working why keep punishing?

She’s doing it so she can buy sweets. So clearly stopping her buying sweets as she’s got an adult with her will lessen the issue,

same with baubles etc, she’s doing it as she wants stuff

My little sister used to steal when a child, she said it was for the adrenaline buzz and there was nothing like it!

I went through a bit of this with one of my DS but it was short lived and I was told fairly common, so I have no advice. I just wanted to say you sound like a lovely mum whos doing her best. Im sure things will be fine for you all in time, hang in there, I hope you get all the support you can and need ❤️

Do you know anybody who has a contact in the police force to put the frighteners up her? She’s not far off the age of criminal responsibility. She doesn’t want a string of petty thefts on her record if the shops start to report her. If she isn’t listening to you or school, maybe a talk with a police officer might make her listen.

Does she Get pocket money op?

I see this as quite simple . She wants sweets, baubles etc , so steals to get them. The consequences are stuff she doesn’t really care about.

Not gonna lie, as an ADHD teenager shoplifting gave me a HUUGE buzz. I absolutely loved everything about it; I even shoplifted when I had my own money. Unfortunately the only way I stopped for good was being caught and receiving a juvenile reprimand. Perhaps that is the best way.

Walk both of them to school and hang around with the younger one for 1/2 hour.

It doesnt matter that it is two trips, thats what happens when your a parent and you have kids.

IMO - 9 is too young to be walking to school on their own anyway.

I would start pocket money so she has no reason to steal and can buy her own sweets, hair bobbles and such.

I know this sounds like a reward for bad behaviour, but it is not, it is getting to the root of why she is taking things instead of buying them herself.

As she is below age of criminal responsibility and likely ND, try not to call it stealing when it is minor things like post it notes, a highlighter, or a hair bobble. That is more borrowing or helping yourself to school supplies without asking.
Impress on her that borrowing requires permission.

Hi OP. I used to steal things as a child and into my teenage years. I really don’t know why I did it, I was very well-behaved and studious otherwise. It’s possible this was due to some very difficult childhood experiences (mum died, dad couldn’t cope, was violent with us, etc). I was a lonely and very sad little girl and perhaps it was a way to treat myself? No idea, because my two siblings didn’t steal and had it as bad or worse than me at home.

My dad once found out I had stolen from my grandma when I was 5 or 6. He gave me such a terrible beating that I never dared steal at home again, but I kept taking little things from shops until my late teens. I grew out of it eventually.

Now I'm a very content person, have a good professional job, a successful side business and more importantly, a beautiful family. I’m only sharing this because I can sense how worried you are about how your daughter might turn up.

I would try making her to apologise to those she’s stolen from in front of you. This will feel excruciating to her, and might shock her out of doing it perhaps?

It does sound like you are trying very hard to get on top of this @iamlost2026 but as I think you've basically got to be a warder at the moment, for her and younger sister. Supervised at all times, no playdates or parties at all and good communication with the school that acknowledges that you know what is going on and support them in any sanctions necessary.

Whatever is behind this, she needs to stop, before she's a few years older and in real trouble.

Her stealing might not be connected to her walking to school alone? Yes she’s done it whilst doing so but has done at other times too.
It’s one of several opportunities to pinch stuff. It doesn’t automatically mean she “isn’t coping”

I also walked to school alone from age 9. No stealing involved!
But yes supervision and clearer boundaries would help enforce better behaviour until she can be trusted again.

Children are allowed from P2 here which is age 6

If there is nothing that you can take away from her, ground her and tell her how disgusted you are that she stole. I wouldn’t speak to her for days other than the basics. There has to be something that will work as a consequence as talking isn’t working.

If it is only 7 minutes away then, put your youngest in a pushchair and walk your 9 year old to school.
Come back and then walk your little one to school.
Why on earth is she walking to school on her own at 9, especially as she is stealing (and you say her younger sister has also started stealing)!
Then make sure someone is there to pick her up and walk her the 7 minutes home!

And coveting behaviour where children take things they don't necessarily want or need. The post it notes are an example. Its quite common in younger children but usually doesn't last long. If she is young for her age or nd this could explain her vehaviour.

Where on earth do you live that this is allowed!?

Irrelevant if the school allows it then but, surely you know that this isnt right?

This is a very open and honest post, hopefully it'll help.

I have nothing to add other than the OP has all my sympathy; it must be a very worrying thing for a parent to be going through.

Stop giving her any kind of money as she doesn't deserve it when she's stealing
Search her every time before she leaves the house and every time she comes home
No more playdates at friends houses as she can't be trusted

First try and find out why she is doing it-, then work out what she is bothered about- toys, food,TV whatever and take that away- let your younger daughter see this happening- actions have consequences.

She’s 9 and she’s going to school by herself???

We lived 5 minutes from school and DD walked to school at 9. I think you’ll find that research shows that that level of independence in children at that age, is a good thing. The OP’s DD stealing isn’t connected to walking to school. Tut!!!

This may be outing but I dont really mind.

I used to steal when I primary school age too, though admittedly never brazenly from a shop. Even now at 38 I sometimes reflect and I think it was a cry for attention. It was also jealousy of other children having things that I didnt. I didnt feel very loved or wanted by my parents at that time in my life. I was also being bullied, so it was a petty revenge too. Truthfully though a mixture of things but I think it was more the bullying. I didnt feel like my mum was paying attention or properly sticking up for me. I dont know what your relationship woth your daughter is like, but yeah - thought I'd throw in my experience.