My daughter keeps stealing

[iamlost2026]

Hello. I am at a last resort to post here.
My daughter is 9, I have referred her for a possible adhd diagnosis.
The teacher she had last year noticed lots of fidgeting, can't sit still, always has to be on the go doing something, picking at the peeling skin on her hands

But for the last couple of months my daughter is stealing
Money from her dads wallet, to the tune of 50 pound, money from friends to the point she's now not allowed back in their house
And she has walked into the shop and stolen from there too.

She's stolen from classmates, usually lip gloss or hair bobbles. She's stolen from her teacher usually post it notes or a high lighter

A parent has just approached me to say she noticed her child's tooth fairy money is missing and my daughter was the last person in the childs room playing with them.
I am distraught and embarrassed

I genuinely do not know what to do here. She will be made to give the money back as always, but she doesn't seem to care. I can promise you now she will not be bothered.
Grounding her doesn't work as again she doesn't seem to care, she doesn't have a tablet to take off her. Shouting at her doesn't work, I cannot stress enough how unbothered she is about what she has gone. She will not show any emotion

My younger daughter is starting to copy this behaviour and steal from the shop and her classmates. I am genuinely very worried for them ending up in trouble with the police and or having no friends left

I have already spoken to the Additional support needs teachers within the school as they helped me to do the referal but they did admit its about a 50 month waiting list. I do not have money to go private. I know I can't excuse her behaviour as having adhd but I can't figure out why she is behaving like this.

Me and her dad are still together, we've been together almost 13 years so its not like she's got trauma from that, nobody in the family has passed away recently. I genuinely cannot explain what is going on

Neglect? I was going to school by myself at 6 (parents weren’t keen but I was determined) and my kids walked together to school at 6 & 8, allowing and encouraging independence is not neglect. Like the OP says lots of European countries encourage it and no child is stealing because she’s bored/needing attention walking 7 minutes to school.

I'm flabbergasted! I would never let my 6 year old cross roads and go to a shop by themselves!!

I was a preteen thief. I was also a fidget, hair puller, skin picker...I grew out of it when I went to high school and made friends, at 13. I was having a shitty time at middle school, being bullied, although it wasn't called that at the time, and I was also extremely bored. My parents were pretty restrictive and isolating, and I felt out it and lacking autonomy in my life generally. My pushing the boundaries (there was other stuff too) was partly hormones no doubt but also seeking some excitement and sense of control I think.

I used to steal until high school age.

it was for things like sweets.

i never stole from a shop though, it was money from my mums purse, a friends money box, or a pound or two from the teachers desk drawer.

we were skint growing up, very rarely had treat food, always had the basics but no luxuries.

i was jealous of people around me who had chocolate in their cupboards, nice things in their house or rooms etc.

i used to steal a pound or so so i could buy sweets from the shop.

there was no pocket money, my mum said she couldn’t afford for us to have it. No eating in cafes etc.

i didn’t steal a lot, but I do remember doing it.

i would definitely get an autism and adhd diagnosis now.

do you do pocket money op? Are you poorer than her peers?

I'm diagnosed with autism and ADHD..I stole so much as a child .. anything shiny,.it started of as taking food out of other childrens lunch boxes age 5 .
Taking food from the snack bowl in the classroom..I wasn't coping in school ..plus my mum had a lot of food issues and I couldn't help myself to any food at home . everything was controlled tightly.
It continued to taking money out of a takings bag ..I was buying things I needed that were not provided.. shampoo toothpaste tampons .
Then it progressed to a caution for shoplifting age 17.
It was always a huge worry of mine that my children would follow in my footsteps and steal like I did .
I always made sure they had plenty of money,to spend as they liked ..I made sure they had full access to treat foods and nice foods when they wanted..I basically gave them no need to steal .
I made sure I wasn't controlling in any way ...
obviously the stealing as a child and teenager was the tip of the iceberg for my behaviour..it definitely made me think long and hard about the type of parent I wanted to be .
Happy , content well adjusted children don't need to steal ..and as a child I was none of those things ..
But ...I had absolutely awful awful parents
And op ,you sound like a lovely caring mum ,you wouldn't be here asking for help if you weren't a lovely caring mum.
I don't have any advice..but I did eventually grow out of it ..but honestly it was not till my early 20s .
Imho...all behaviour is communication..you just need to figure out what she's struggling with x
Good luck xx

You're not in England where the age of criminal responsibility is ten. It's higher nearly everywhere else. Which means you have an opportunity over the next couple of years to have a police officer talk to her about the problem with stealing without there being the risk of her being prosecuted.

Outside of the immediate context of this current incident of stealing does she have any money of her own she can choose how to spend? Pocket money might be useful if you can afford it - she can get (some of) the things she wants in legitimate ways.

School could be asked to put in place some lunchtime options for her - can she help play with the younger kids?

Worth widening the net beyond ADHD if you can. A general CAMHS (or your local equivalent) referral would be a good plan.

Also worth thinking about whether she's seeing other people act like this without consequence / whether there's anybody in your social circle with enough unsupervised access to her to be abusing her etc

I think it is a phase that a lot of children go through. The difference is that they would feel ashamed if they were caught by their friends parent. Your DD isn’t deterred from stealing when people openly know that she’s a thief.
I think you need to seek out some counselling for her asap.

The fact that she doesn’t have much to lose could be a factor here - is she bored, frustrated, generally not enjoying life enough? My ND kids needed a lot of variety and stimulation. I don’t think punishment would be at all helpful, but ND kids in my experience tend to behave like this when they’re not getting what they need.

Humiliating her and withdrawing connection and love from a 9 year old is not an adequate punishment. It's cruel.

OP you got plenty of sound kind advice. Dopamine menus, loads of physical activi
Activity. Maybe she also needs more responsibility at home (pet care etc).

I would also explain to your daughter how many minutes or hours people have to work to earn the tax-deducted amounts she is stealing. "Stealing is bad and makes people sad." can really lack context.

Take her to do some "community work" for a whole hour (litter pick in the park, weed the garden for granny etc). She needs a scale/context to understand she is essentially stealing people's labour/free time. I would be rather mean and use the under 18s adjusted minimum wage. "When you steal 50 pounds from Daddy, that's X many hours of work etc."

Oh she absolutely loves litter picking
Whenever she sees the council guys doing it in the park, she asks for gloves and a bag to go help 😅 she is a lovely little girl on the whole, I just desperately want the stealing to stop

She’s 9!
she clearly needs more supervision!!! No way would I let my kids walk on their own at this age not a chance!

you also need to make her realise so she does this and you take something of hers away like a toy or a game and no clubs/treats

are any of the school parents police officers? Maybe a “word” would be a deterrent

Also, could you afford to send her to Sea Cadets or Brownies?

Yes, the police can actually be pretty helpful in this type of situation

I used to be like this as a child, later diagnosed adhd as an adult. I would try and find other ways to give her brain the dopamine hit it gets from the stealing. In hindsight i think that might have helped me and stopped me impulsively seeking dopamine in other ways.

Oppositional Defiance maybe?

Also to add any shaming and disapproval needs to be really carefully as she probably has bad RSD. It’s a vicious cycle of feeling like a failure and very low after punishment or failure, which makes the dopamine seeking spike more extreme.

OP is money an issue in your house? Im wondering as it sounds like you are avoiding childcare costs having a child who is frankly on the young side walking herself too and from school, she doesnt do any hobbies or anything, and she's stealing - could it partly be because she doesn't have much? Wants more?
It sounds like your daughter doesn't really do anything. Does she not do anything like brownies, swimming lessons, other activities?

Oh bless your little cotton socks - you would have the vapours if you lived in Switzerland for any length of time. It's the norm for kindergartens children (from aged 4 - 5) to walk to kindergarten by themselves. The first time I saw it, I thought they'd run away from home or kindergarten ( 🤦‍♀️ ). But not only is it allowed, it's encouraged and the norm

That caught my attention…… when I was your daughter’s age, my parents started locking the pantry door to stop me (and my sisters, it has to be said) from helping ourselves to biscuits whenever we felt like it. With my pocket money already all being spent on sweets and my access to biscuits cut off, I started stealing (money from my parents, and sweets from shops) to fund my sugar habit.

Could it be that that’s the root problem here? If it is, then clamping down on the stealing will not solve the problem, she will find other ways to feed the food addiction.

ADHD is a strong risk factor for substance and behavioural addictions, as the ADHDer seeks dopamine hits. If she does end up receiving a diagnosis and being medicated, that could help significantly. Meanwhile, all I can suggest is telling her (again) that stealing is not acceptable, and that a high level of sweet consumption will bring her lots of problems down the line - even if they were legally acquired. And then try to find ways to meet the need for dopamine which are neither illegal or harmful.

I know the desperation you feel. Most of the replies in here are from people that don’t understand that punishment and consequences will not improve this situation. I’ve been going through it with one of my DC’s for years. Fortunately he only steals from me, although I always worry that could change. He now has sessions with a private psychologist. Do you have Family Hubs, previously sure start? If not ask for a referral to the school nurse to see what options there is. My DC spends it on sweets. Closer supervision required and I also make sure my money isn’t left out to be tempting. It’s impulsive behaviour and likely linked to dopamine. My DC is now suspected inattentive ADHD. We’re starting to see progress with the psychologist but it hasn’t been quick. Otherwise he is studious, hard working, helpful and does lots of voluntary work.

So if this was a problem a year ago your child was actually 8 then, and going to school on her own/ the shop on her own??

When did you stop supervising your child Op. It might be ok for a more mature child to be getting more independent and doing this stuff but your childs behaviour is crying out that she isnt ready.

From the things you say she enjoys brownies might be a good fit. If you tell leader she’s on pathway to ADHD diagnosis they can support her as needed. If finance is an issue then the leaders can apply for grants.

Natural consequences. If she can’t be trusted to walk to school by herself without stealing she has to be walked to school by an adult. If she can’t be trusted not to steal from friends houses she can’t go round to play. If she does steal from anybody she has to pay it back, plus an additional fee, from her own pocket money. If she’s stealing from school she has to have a simple bag without loads of pockets etc to carry with her so there’s no opportunity to hide things.

Take these privileges away and make it clear they are privileges. Then you give her the opportunity to earn them back but make it clear if she repeats the behaviour she will lose them again. You accept there will be an element of taking privileges away and giving them back only for her to lose them again at first, but when she knows you are serious she will learn to stop the behaviour.

As long as you keep letting her get away with it she will keep doing it because it is thrilling and she lacks impulse control, but if she knows there are hard consequences she will learn to stop herself before she does it even if the urge is there.

I know you have said you can't afford to go private for an ADHD assessment but can you make any savings at all? Do you normally have a Summer holiday that you could miss next year? I know it is awful to have to go without but with your daughter's behaviour pattern and a 50 month WL I think you will be doolally before she is seen on the NHS. I apologise in advance if this is unachievable for you. As a mum to a child with significant ADHD I understand only too well how you are feeling. If it's something you can consider do your research and avoid the online clinics.

I think they're in Scotland and the age of criminal responsibility is 12.