My daughter keeps stealing

[iamlost2026]

Hello. I am at a last resort to post here.
My daughter is 9, I have referred her for a possible adhd diagnosis.
The teacher she had last year noticed lots of fidgeting, can't sit still, always has to be on the go doing something, picking at the peeling skin on her hands

But for the last couple of months my daughter is stealing
Money from her dads wallet, to the tune of 50 pound, money from friends to the point she's now not allowed back in their house
And she has walked into the shop and stolen from there too.

She's stolen from classmates, usually lip gloss or hair bobbles. She's stolen from her teacher usually post it notes or a high lighter

A parent has just approached me to say she noticed her child's tooth fairy money is missing and my daughter was the last person in the childs room playing with them.
I am distraught and embarrassed

I genuinely do not know what to do here. She will be made to give the money back as always, but she doesn't seem to care. I can promise you now she will not be bothered.
Grounding her doesn't work as again she doesn't seem to care, she doesn't have a tablet to take off her. Shouting at her doesn't work, I cannot stress enough how unbothered she is about what she has gone. She will not show any emotion

My younger daughter is starting to copy this behaviour and steal from the shop and her classmates. I am genuinely very worried for them ending up in trouble with the police and or having no friends left

I have already spoken to the Additional support needs teachers within the school as they helped me to do the referal but they did admit its about a 50 month waiting list. I do not have money to go private. I know I can't excuse her behaviour as having adhd but I can't figure out why she is behaving like this.

Me and her dad are still together, we've been together almost 13 years so its not like she's got trauma from that, nobody in the family has passed away recently. I genuinely cannot explain what is going on

You or her dad need to take her to school.

I think you are going to have to supervise her much more closely. She’s only 9 so young to be shopping and walking to school unsupervised.
Walk her to school. No play dates as can’t be trusted. No shops.
It’s good you’ve done referral. I’d also see Gp with her.
I’d try and spend lots of quality time with her to try and see what’s going on.
Does she understand nuances like you’ll get a reputation and be blamed even if it wasn’t you.
Maybe approach local pcso and see if they’d speak to her (ours does a drop in clinic) they could explain she’s almost 10 and criminal responsibility and implications. We had some criminal damage to a fence by a young boy and pcso made the boy responsible go to police station with parent, he wrote an apology letter and it apparently made a big impression.

Is she behind with her school work ?
Sounds like she needs a lot more adult supervision.
She seems to be behaving more like a toddler in terms of not having a sense of responsibility.

I think it’s on you to stop her going out alone to shop not for shop to have to police not serving her.

Does she have a means of getting money? Like, does she get pocket money? If not, try introducing it and warn that any theft will be returned double. So if she steals a pound from her friend she has to give them two pounds back.

I mean, I'd have gotten a good crack across the arse for it when I was young. There was something to be said for it though, we all bloody cared about that!

I agree that from now on she needs constant adult supervision.
It sounds like poor impulse control so for right now you need to ensure she is accompanied everywhere and an adult intervenes as required.
She can be helped but for now you need to remove her opportunity to steal

In addition to supervision she needs more consequences, plus some long hard chats about the reality of being a thief and her reputation as everyone knows that she’s a thief. It needs to be nipped in the bud right now before she gets any older.

That's year 5, plenty of children walk to school from that age

It’s hard to take things away like screen time if she doesn’t have it or clubs etc.

It’s just more supervision that is required then.
school are watching her in the cloakroom which is good.
You/dad need to accompany her to and from school which you already have said you will start doing so that’s a good start.
As I said no play dates at others or yours.
Also no visiting shops with her- know sometimes easier said then done.

I took some change from my parents when I was little. My mum went absolutely ballistic. I never did it again. Are you making it very clear how bad this is and letting her know you're angry and upset? I feel like it's easy to downplay this sort of thing and then what children learn is that it's not 'that bad'.

Then you will have to take her to and from school.

Okay sounds like a symptom of the ADHD probably seeking the dopamine hit of “ getting away with it” coupled with the impulsivity.
At home don’t keep cash readily available, if you must have cash put it in a locked cupboard or cash box keep the key on you. Don’t allow her the opportunity to go into shops, refuse any play dates either at home or in other child’s house, likely these invites will stop as other parents won’t want your child in their house. Let school manage the situation there, back up at home any sanctions that they impose.
Taking stuff away from them or denying them stuff doesn’t really work with ADHD kids, in that minute of temptation they are not thinking of consequences they want something so they take it. They don’t rationalise that last time they took something they lost privileges for a week, so that doesn’t hold them back from doing it again.
You have to try and remove the possibility as much as you can, they unfortunately will lose nice friends because of this and they won’t really understand why. Conversely less nice friends may appear who will encourage this behaviour in your child, and they’ll stand back while she does stupid things then gets caught.
She may get sneakier with it and take things you might not miss straight away, it’s a hard way to live never fully trusting your child.
There is a reason adults with ADHD are over represented in the prison population yes mostly it’s violence but theft is a big problem as well.
Sadly I speak from experience I’m through the other side now but for years this was my family life.

Stealing and skin picking wouldn't be the first things you'd think of with ADHD. She may or may not have ADHD but I'd imagine there is something else at play here. You might be looking at something more in the OCD area.

You can likely get a adhd assessment much quicker through right to choose, ask your gp for a referral. It gives you access to private providers through the nhs.

adhduk.co.uk/right-to-choose/

You tell her, in a few month's time she will be over the age of criminal responsibility and the law will decide what happens if she carries on.

@iamlost2026 9 is very young to be starting stealing things. As others have said; she needs to be watched at all times, no money laying around, no going to friends houses for a while. She will be ostracisted in her peer group if she isn't already. You really need to get to the bottom of this. Contact camhs- even if the waiting time for adhd evaluation is long she would benefit from some counselling. You can also try to talk to her about impulse control- what can she do instead of stealing/buying sweets when she feels the urge? Does she do a sport? If adhd sport is really important; it will wear her out and get her endorphines going in a healthy way.

So sorry you're going through this...x

What are the father's bright ideas for addressing this?

What punishments have you given her for her behaviour?
Loss of privileges?

So what does she do at home then? Stare blankly into space?

Thank you but this seems to be England only 😞

I don't have an answer but agree with this. We have a child in our family who sounds really similar, is seemingly numb to any consequences etc. It's really tough on the whole family and it's taking its toll on DSis.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with children walking themselves to school at 9 assuming it's local. I'd go as far as to say it's good for them.

Children with ADHD are often developmentally behind their peers, so good idea to not let her do the school run or shop by herself. If she is stealing on playdates then I wouldn't let her go to people's houses. I wouldn't do that as punishment, but she can't really go if she can't control herself.

She may be seeking out risk and enjoy the adrenaline rush. That is quite common with ADHD. Is there anything else you could channel this into? It is tricky with 9 year olds though! Maybe gymnastics or climbing? They don't necessarily come cheap though.

OP, very much hoping this isn't the case but is there any chance of abuse or bullying?

£50 is a lot of money to take for a 9 yo. Are you sure she isn't giving money to someone? Did anything happen a couple of months ago?

Again, very much hoping that isn't the case but something to consider.

@iamlost2026
I think that you are right to look into assessment. The thing that stands out to me is her not being bothered by being deprived of anything.
Often individuals with ND don’t feel attached in the same way to certain things, be it physical items, or clubs and activities. Sometimes a child can be overly attached, in that they almost cannot fulfil their basic needs without said item or without a certain routine.
At the other extreme some children really don’t have the same pull towards “conventional childhood” items or activities.
They simply won’t be bothered if you take away a certain toy, or stop parties or clubs. They have a level of resilience towards all the conventionally “fun things”. These children often aren’t influenced by advertising or what is popular. That’s why strategies used by NT parents really have little to no impact.

Definitely focus on trying to get her into some activities or sport.
It doesn’t matter if others are getting to do these things at 9. She sounds like got additional needs and can’t be trusted. You have to parent according to child you have.