My daughter keeps stealing

[iamlost2026]

Hello. I am at a last resort to post here.
My daughter is 9, I have referred her for a possible adhd diagnosis.
The teacher she had last year noticed lots of fidgeting, can't sit still, always has to be on the go doing something, picking at the peeling skin on her hands

But for the last couple of months my daughter is stealing
Money from her dads wallet, to the tune of 50 pound, money from friends to the point she's now not allowed back in their house
And she has walked into the shop and stolen from there too.

She's stolen from classmates, usually lip gloss or hair bobbles. She's stolen from her teacher usually post it notes or a high lighter

A parent has just approached me to say she noticed her child's tooth fairy money is missing and my daughter was the last person in the childs room playing with them.
I am distraught and embarrassed

I genuinely do not know what to do here. She will be made to give the money back as always, but she doesn't seem to care. I can promise you now she will not be bothered.
Grounding her doesn't work as again she doesn't seem to care, she doesn't have a tablet to take off her. Shouting at her doesn't work, I cannot stress enough how unbothered she is about what she has gone. She will not show any emotion

My younger daughter is starting to copy this behaviour and steal from the shop and her classmates. I am genuinely very worried for them ending up in trouble with the police and or having no friends left

I have already spoken to the Additional support needs teachers within the school as they helped me to do the referal but they did admit its about a 50 month waiting list. I do not have money to go private. I know I can't excuse her behaviour as having adhd but I can't figure out why she is behaving like this.

Me and her dad are still together, we've been together almost 13 years so its not like she's got trauma from that, nobody in the family has passed away recently. I genuinely cannot explain what is going on

She needs harsh consequences for stealing. Slapping her might work. I appreciate it’s not recommended these days but it does actually work as a deterrent for many kids and the shock may be effective.

It's illegal in Scotland and in many other places.

Sounds like you're having a really rough time OP

If there is nothing that you can take away from her, ground her and tell her how disgusted you are that she stole. I wouldn’t speak to her for days other than the basics. There has to be something that will work as a consequence as talking isn’t working.

I'm going to recommend the opposite. Disconnection isn't going to help - she's already sounding disconnected.

My DS1 went through a phase, a bit younger than this, and it was 'only' stealing sweets and random bits from family. I remember once pulling back my DS1's bedsheets and there was the randomest stuff from around the house. At that age, he was similar - he just shrugged when asked about it, appeared fairly unfazed by anything.

At that point, his father and I discussed this as a lost of trust and that that meant he had to stay close to one of us all the time while he re-earned it. Except being in bed and in the bathroom, he had to stay with one of us. Going out, he had to remain close at all times. This was challenging, but it also led to some great conversations. It took a few rounds of this, but we worked through it - together - without either stonewalling or slapping a child.

@iamlost2026 sounds like she is rather impulsive which is an ADHD trait, so even though she knows it is wrong, she can't stop herself.

Firstly, regarding the dance class, what about finding a different class? My DD found ballet and gymnastics to regimented with rules, but we found an acro-gymnastics class that is brilliant. High energy and fun without the strict rules.

As for the stealing, is there anything of hers that she treasures? She needs to know what it feels like to have something taken, so if something of hers got stolen, how would she react? I'm not sure how that would work - a fake story of someone coming in to use the toilet who then must have gone in her room and taken her <thingy>??? If she isn't bothered about her own possessions that wouldn't work though.

I’ve read all of your posts now and do agree that she does sound lovely. I have ADHD too and I really feel for her.

Like you say, some friends have started to distance themselves already and she’s unlikely to be able yo work out why.

I wouldn’t assume that because she doesn’t rally react why you take things away or can’t really explain her actions that doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel things or isn’t telling you for a reason. It’s likely that she’s functioning at the level of a 6 year old she perhaps she simply can’t explain why she does things.

Has anyone suggested doing the progress checker from Speech & Language UK? If it says that she needs a little support I’d ask her School or GP to refer her for a hearing test and some SaLT.

I know that you’re changing the walk to school. It’s a shame if her peers are all walking but it seems sensible given how many times you’ve tried to sort this with the shop.

I’m sure you have already but have a read up on ADHD, I started with How to ADHD on YouTube. It’s great explaining some basics and giving tips on being a functional human.

I haven’t got many tips but having a look at Dopamine menus does seem like a good idea. I’d also try a high protein breakfast which is often very helpful if you have ADHD.

And don’t worry about her going from one activity to another at home, we call this bumbling and it’s pretty common if you have unmedicated ADHD.

Can you take her to the police station and ask a police officer to speak to her ? They can go through what happens to people who steal and that it’s a criminal offence. She might listen up if she thinks it could lead to serious trouble. She sounds like a nice child that needs a guiding hand and when our police officers have given speeches and sessions at the school they have always been really helpful.

Sorry just wanted to add that ADHD often goes hand in hand with ASD as does OCD and skin picking can be a symptom of OCD.

Obviously, I’m not saying she has either but it might be worth also reading up on how ASD affects tween girls and also looking at conditions that are co-morbid

As you refer to P2 you might be in Scotland. Here is an ADHD website for Scotland that might have more about local support
www.scottishadhdcoalition.org

How would she like it if someone stole from her. Ask her?

When I was a youth worker moons ago, the mantra was positive diversionary activities.

I was a bit of a stealer, I stole all the christmas presents for me and hid them under my bed, stole a childs toy, stole pounds from mums purse, shoplifted clothes. Its a mix of the dopamine hit / lack of impulse control / envy (and not being able to process that emotion) / immaturity (not being able to verbalise wants and needs).

In no particular order
Asking why did you do that IS a valid question. Of course she won't know, or won't know which is the most socially acceptable answer to give, but the fact of asking why IS a rational response, so you are modelling cognitive skills

With no judgement or emotion, just saying that its not appropriate behaviour. It kind of grey rocks it and avoids reinforcing the dopamine hit as it got a reaction.

I feel like asking what do you think they felt or thought might also be useful although you might have to answer it for them initially

Someone elses shoes - what would you say to a friend who did that

Natural consequences - it gets returned, repaid, given back

Spending more quality time together when the behavior rears its head

Some of my siblings used to steal from our dad because he always left money in his pockets. No one dared to steal from my mum because she would eat you alive lol.
Anyway, real reason was, we didn't use to get pocket money, we never got much entertainment, snacks that we liked etc
I dunno if it's possibly similar but one thing I've tried with my kids is to give them some choices to do the things they like, get clothes they want and I've nevee seen this kind of behaviour.
So, maybe give her a little pocket money and allow her to intentionally buy the things she usually steals?
Maybe she feels left out and while what she's doing is wrong, sometimes it's hard when you have trouble with impulse control and delayed gratification. Pretty sure half the people in my family are undiagnosed adhd, only one is actually diagnosed though.
Oh and definitely more supervision, we were never supervised as kids.

I don't think punishments are going to change her behaviour, I think she needs specialist therapy. I have no idea if it would be available on the NHS, but start with your GP.

Could there be rewards for not stealing instead. A special trip out somewhere if she hasn’t got into trouble all week. A bit of music and dancing together in the kitchen when she’s had a good day?
What does she like?

Don’t link food with punishment. Not a good idea for a child with issues or neurodivergence. Or probably for any child.

I hesitate to guess at what's going on, but it sounds much more serious than ADHD.

One thing is missing: Have you required her to personally return the money and personally apologize? Based on your description, I doubt it will help, but it might be worth considering.

I used to steal because my family was poor and I was jealous of the other kids and what they had. I grew out of it by the time I was a teenager though.

Sounds like kleptomaniac to me

Not RTFT yet so may be going against the grain but it sounds like understimulation which in ADHD can be extremely destructive.

We all understand overstimulation fairly well in neurodivergent but understimulation leads to dopamine seeking behaviours and has a no such thing as bad press sort of presentation.

It sounds like it may be a ways off getting a diagnosis, but there are non-stimulant/medication options for supporting ADHD, usually OTC supplements too that might help her regain some focus, so she can stick to a hobby rather than seeking out something to get a dopamine fix.

I’ve seen your post saying your daughter spends the stolen money on sweets in the shop, so the only punishment that might bother her might be that she gets no snacks (meaning crisps, chocolate, soft drinks or other treats) at home for 5 days after an incident of stealing.

it’s possible that she’s also bored and needs an outlet to use up her energy and where she has other things to focus on. Have you thought of getting her to try out a new sport or even a creative class/hobby?

I am ashamed to say that I went through a period of doing this too. I didn’t steal from people but shops, not that that makes it any better! I decided it better stop before I turned 18 (for some reason I assumed nothing would happen if I was caught as a minor) but I definitely think OP needs to tackle this now.

@iamlost2026 my DD started taking things from other girls when she started in reception, little things like their snack pots and once a purse. She wouldn’t want to talk about it. I figured that it was likely related to a feeling inside of “missing something” and then taking something which belonged to someone else in an attempt to “fill” the thing she was missing. In my DD’s case, I think she was struggling with missing attention - she had moved from a nursery where she had lots of attention from available adults to a school where she had one teacher to share with 30 other kids. I actually didn’t talk to her about how wrong it was to steal (I think she knew that and I think your DD probably does too) but instead I focused on the feeling. Instead of asking her about this (which she didn’t want to tell me), I told her of a time when a feeling led me to do something that was considered ‘wrong’. I also read to her books about different feelings just to see if we could get a bit closer to them. It worked for us, she stopped doing it after a few months. I think as long as she has that “missing something” feeling she will carry on and if she feels that you understand it (even a little bit) I think it will help. I also agree with others about you walking with her to school (where possible) and/or having time for just the two of you to be together and get closer to her feelings. Does she open up at all to you about her struggles?

Yes I agree. I have no advice. My mother came down on me like a ton of bricks and it didn’t help. It just made it worse.
I personally would look at her self esteem and belonging. Develop empathy. Make her realise other people have issues and problems too and she’s not the freak. Lots of social stories. Punishment isn’t going to work, it’s just going to make her better at not being caught!

She sounds very bored and the stealing and sweets are instant gratification, its like any adduction she gets something from it in that moment...i feel.sorry for her,.

When children of this age continually steal they are either being bullied and giving sweets etc to their bully to stop the bullying.
Or they are stealing because of a lack of attention or feeling unloved. That doesn't mean she doesn't get attention or love, it's about how she is feeling. You need to focus on giving her lots of positive attention, doing fun things together, praising her and complimenting her, and lots and lots of cuddles.

It could be for adrenaline, and have become addictive.

Or, it could mean something is wrong and upsetting for her, something missing she is
trying to fill.

It is a symptom of something, not just about her being bad.