My daughter keeps stealing

[iamlost2026]

Hello. I am at a last resort to post here.
My daughter is 9, I have referred her for a possible adhd diagnosis.
The teacher she had last year noticed lots of fidgeting, can't sit still, always has to be on the go doing something, picking at the peeling skin on her hands

But for the last couple of months my daughter is stealing
Money from her dads wallet, to the tune of 50 pound, money from friends to the point she's now not allowed back in their house
And she has walked into the shop and stolen from there too.

She's stolen from classmates, usually lip gloss or hair bobbles. She's stolen from her teacher usually post it notes or a high lighter

A parent has just approached me to say she noticed her child's tooth fairy money is missing and my daughter was the last person in the childs room playing with them.
I am distraught and embarrassed

I genuinely do not know what to do here. She will be made to give the money back as always, but she doesn't seem to care. I can promise you now she will not be bothered.
Grounding her doesn't work as again she doesn't seem to care, she doesn't have a tablet to take off her. Shouting at her doesn't work, I cannot stress enough how unbothered she is about what she has gone. She will not show any emotion

My younger daughter is starting to copy this behaviour and steal from the shop and her classmates. I am genuinely very worried for them ending up in trouble with the police and or having no friends left

I have already spoken to the Additional support needs teachers within the school as they helped me to do the referal but they did admit its about a 50 month waiting list. I do not have money to go private. I know I can't excuse her behaviour as having adhd but I can't figure out why she is behaving like this.

Me and her dad are still together, we've been together almost 13 years so its not like she's got trauma from that, nobody in the family has passed away recently. I genuinely cannot explain what is going on

Has she said anything about why she’s stealing? Have you asked her?

Forgot to put that in my post, yes she just says she doesn't know or will shrug

I assume you have sat her down and asked why she is stealing. What was her answer?

Are they both allowed to the shops on their own?

If so I’d put a stop to that.

I think they both need harsher consequences for when they steal. Is there nothing you can remove that would bother them at all? Whether ADHD or not, they need to learn that it is not acceptable at all to steal but it sounds tricky for them to understand that. What consequences do the school implement when she steals from them?

What does she want the money for? What does she do with it?

I'd definitely stop her going to the shop alone, then she has no opportunity to steal from there or spend stolen money. You can explain to her why you've stopped it - going to the shop alone at 9 is only something she can do if she can be trusted, and at present she cannot be trusted. End of.

But especially if there's potential ND in the mix, you need to be looking for why she's doing this not just implementing increasing consequences.

She goes to the shop either on her way to school or from school, there is a half hour difference between her going to school and my youngest going to school so its easier for her to take herself to school instead of doing 2 trips

When she steals from her class mates, the school gets an assistant of some kind to watch my daughter when she's going to the cloakroom or the toilet

The money gets spent on sweets while walking to/from school

She is going to need much closer supervision for the time being she clearly has poor impulse control and is getting a bit of a dopamine hit from the stealing. I know logistically it is harder to walk both to school because of the timings but I wouldn't be allowing her walk by herself anymore and I wouldn't allow her to go to friends homes until this is resolved. It puts other families and their children in an unfair position. It won't solve everything but currently lack of supervision when you know it is an ongoing issue is a big part of the problem.

Is there no way you can get someone to take your other child to school and bring them home so you can chaperone your older daughter so you can make sure she doesn’t get the chance to enter any shops.

What consequences is she getting when she does these things. Are you taking items away/stopping trips days out etc.

I would not be allowing any more play dates to your house or other children’s houses.

I do agree
I am usually at work so I am going to make sure someone walks her to and from school

OK - well you are going to have to do the two school runs to stop her being able to go to the shop. I would suggest docking her pocket money everytime she steals too.

Getting to the bottom of it won't be easy. I stole from my parents as a child in order to buy my bullies off - basically I wouldn't get beaten up that day if I gave them sweets - but it was a vicious circle as I needed to steal again to buy them off the following day etc. DD stole (from us) to buy sweets etc as she had binge eating disorder (v common with ADHD) which is a nightmare to unpick - only a combination of ADHD meds and mountjaro has resolved it. If you are able to unpick it now you may be able to nip it in the bud though. Its very hard to handle once they are at secondary.

Yes I will find someone
The consequences thing I find very hard, she has nothing really to take away, doesn't care for toys or teddies, trips out are far and few between so not really anything to stop there

Also look at dopamine seeking behaviours in children with ADHD and dopamine "menus" that can offer activities to boost levels. It may be because she is craving small bursts of stimulation so increasing other more positive ways of getting it may help.

She’s 9 and she’s going to school by herself???

So what does she do at home to entertain herself? What about television time?
what do you do at weekends? Clubs etc?

Very common for children in this area

Might be common in your area but your child obviously can’t cope

Id be walking her into the corner shop and saying to the shop assistant in front of her that they are not longer to serve her as she’s been stealing from them.

If she gets pocket money or has a piggy bank etc I’d be handing over her money to the shop keeper to make a statement.

She must have something that’s important to her. Take it from her and tell her that’s how other people feel when she steals from them. Whatever it takes, no pudding after dinner, no after school activities or clubs etc.

Yes and I have acknowledged that from tomorrow she will not go to school alone

Appreciate you can’t afford a private ADHD diagnosis but have you thought about a children’s therapist/counsellor in the meantime? They usually charge by the hour and sometimes have a sliding scale for fees so are a bit more affordable. It sounds like you’re doing everything you can and you might just need a bit of external support

I went to the shop and showed them a photo of my children and asked that they not be served or even allowed in the shop without an adult but the shop staff change so much so they aren't really listening to me

This is a good question and not asking in a critical way but if you suspect ADHD what activities does she do? How is she spending the rest of her time when not at school? I certainly wouldn't be adding in screen time as a solution for a child with ADHD

You tell her that you will be walking to school holding her hand right into the classroom. Same on the way home. She doesn't go to friends houses.

She has a dance club that she used to attend but she got asked not to go back as she was too fidgety and wouldn't listen to the teacher.

Weekends are usually spent outside on big walks trying to tire them out, inside the house she likes drawing but will kind of bounce from thing to thing, so on the trampoline, doing lego, helping with some chores.