To tell my daughter that I am not carrying anyone’s mental health while we’re on holiday.

[feedmefudge]

God, that sounds selfish and harsh, I know.
Next week, I am taking my two daughters (20 and 17) on the holiday of a lifetime. I have worked and saved hard for it. I cannot wait.
Both daughters wanted to come with me, which is great. We have been excited. I am exhausted; I’m a single mum, 51, menopausal and I work 7 days at the moment.
One of my daughters has anxiety, but she will be grand on holiday. The younger one has been overeating on the run-up and I know she is going to be difficult on the holiday because she’s not going to be happy with her appearance, in a swimsuit or whatever. She likely has ADHD. I have done everything I can to try and support her. Please believe me when I tell you that I don’t care what she looks like, as long as she is healthy and happy. I grew up with my body being constantly criticised and I have never put my daughters through the same. This comes from her. There has been a dip in her mood in the run up to the holiday and I have a kernel of dread in my stomach.
I am a loving, caring mum who is always there for her daughters and would do anything for them. But I just want to enjoy a normal holiday, with people doing normal things, and not staying in the room because they don’t want to get in the pool. I just don’t have it in me. Come to me for mental health support 51 weeks of the year, but not this one week away. I need it more than anything. I just need some peace, some happiness, some relaxation.
AIBU?

Next time take a holiday only you.

Travelling with persons with ADHD and anxiety will affect your holiday. But let them know not to faff.

Why can't she stay in her room if that's what she wants to do?

Yabu. You should of booked a holiday alone or with a friend. I can see this being a disaster already OP. You sound busy so you didnt really need to add taking DDs with you as well.

Could you perhaps frame it as 'what do we need to do before we go to make sure everyone is sorted for the holiday because I want to be able to relax and enjoy myself' so that you're basically saying the same thing, but putting it in a positive way and giving them the chance to preempt some of the potential issues and mitigate them now.

If that means buying a wafty top for by the pool, or downloading some mindfulness podcasts or whatever before you go, then you will all feel better prepared!!

I don’t blame you OP. My patience runs low around people who overeat constantly but then want to bombard me with complaints that they’re unhappy with their weight.

F

Because it’s not ideal, is it, when I’ve spent a lot on the holiday and it was her choice to come.
Also, forgot to say, we are going with other family members as it’s a celebration of sorts. And it’s embarrassing having to explain it to others.
My eyes are welling up as I write that, as I know how bad it sounds, but all I can do is be honest about how I feel.

Im not being unsympathetic but two things:first, didn’t you anticipate this being an issue? And second, why would your DD’s insecurities stop you from going swimming? She is 17, if she wants to sit and sulk in her room (she is, after all, a teenager) why not just let her?

If she doesn't want to leave the room., just say "okay" and go out without her. At 17 she needs to take some responsibility for her behaviour.

Thank you. You are all lovely people. Thanks for not making me feel like a total bitch or the worst mother in the world!

Yanbu - but I don't think motherhood works lke that. After having a break spoiled by anxiety panic attacks of 17yo ADHD offspring this summer (which of course I supported and helped with) I have resolved that next summer I will be dividing my annual leave and budget between 50% nice things with my lovely family where I will probably be keeping up all care and support duties as normal, and 50% just me on my own looking after no one but myself for a bit. Only 10 months to go.

I understand your wishes. In reality she isn't likely to be able to turn it off for a week.

Do the other family members know? If not, might be an idea to tell them she'll probably be in her room a lot. From what I hear a lot of 17 year olds do that on holiday anyway, so your relatives might not think it's out of the ordinary.

I didn’t really anticipate it because this holiday was booked 18 months ago.

I’d feel the same to be honest. My DD18 has put in weight, is autistic and often stays in the room and we just let her, but that is usually because she can’t cope with noise and busy places. If she was doing it to be awkward or grumpy due to weight I’d be making sure there was a firm ‘get on with it’ as there’s nothing she can do now!
enjoy your holiday

Good for you. Fully deserved, so enjoy it when at last it comes!

This.
The money has been spent regardless of whether she's sitting in a room or doing what you're doing, if relatives ask where she is, say 'I don't know.'
Make this be the last holiday you bring them on, if they won't enjoy it and aren't good company there's zero need to bring them on your next holiday.

Can you plan a holiday just for yourself in the future? You deserve it.
Take your headphones and block them out.
Why is all awful behaviour classed as ADHD or anxiety these days? They can behave for 1 week a year.
And why would you think you are being unreasonable? They are both nearly adults. Time to focus on yourself.

@blackhorsesxx I notice you ‘f’ a lot of threads. You can turn on notifications you know? It’s not very polite to just stick an F on a thread and not contribute a single thing to it ….

OP - I’d sit down with your daughter and have a chat about it and try and diffuse tension and set some light expectations before you set off

Why not buy 3 new gorgeous sarongs, one for each of you to take on holiday. Then she has a pretty poolside coverup if she is feeling self conscious? And because you each have one it doesn’t seem pointed.

Why is all awful behaviour classed as ADHD or anxiety these days? They can behave for 3 days a year.

This. It’s so tiring. No accountability whatsoever.

You say you grew up being critiqued about your body and you’ve never put your daughters through the same….but the paragraph above you say your DD has been over eating and isn’t going to be happy with her body… Maybe she is happy?

Or click 'watch' if you don't want notifications.

Her symptoms are textbook ADHD in girls, including food related issues.
I am usually the last person to diagnose, as I do know what you mean! But she is honestly classic.

I agree with this.

You can be a supportive parent without making yourself suffer. If you halt your plans , resentment will build up and you’ll blame your dd for a failed holiday.

However, tell her it’s ok to have an off day, she can stay in her room if she feels the outside world is too much on a certain day. Perhaps have a chat before you go about her taking books/ headphones/mindful colouring or whatever she likes, so she knows she can hide away whilst you continue your day.

Family members can just be told she’s feeling a bit overwhelmed and likes some alone time. Shouldn’t be an issue as loads of teenagers go through tricky phases.

At 17 she’ll have to start finding ways to manage her anxiety herself and a parent will be there to support but from the sidelines

I completely get you. We are going away in a couple of weeks. I would much rather they went away without me and I stayed at home and enjoyed some silence, with no demands and noone asking me to solve problems.