To tell my daughter that I am not carrying anyone’s mental health while we’re on holiday.

[feedmefudge]

God, that sounds selfish and harsh, I know.
Next week, I am taking my two daughters (20 and 17) on the holiday of a lifetime. I have worked and saved hard for it. I cannot wait.
Both daughters wanted to come with me, which is great. We have been excited. I am exhausted; I’m a single mum, 51, menopausal and I work 7 days at the moment.
One of my daughters has anxiety, but she will be grand on holiday. The younger one has been overeating on the run-up and I know she is going to be difficult on the holiday because she’s not going to be happy with her appearance, in a swimsuit or whatever. She likely has ADHD. I have done everything I can to try and support her. Please believe me when I tell you that I don’t care what she looks like, as long as she is healthy and happy. I grew up with my body being constantly criticised and I have never put my daughters through the same. This comes from her. There has been a dip in her mood in the run up to the holiday and I have a kernel of dread in my stomach.
I am a loving, caring mum who is always there for her daughters and would do anything for them. But I just want to enjoy a normal holiday, with people doing normal things, and not staying in the room because they don’t want to get in the pool. I just don’t have it in me. Come to me for mental health support 51 weeks of the year, but not this one week away. I need it more than anything. I just need some peace, some happiness, some relaxation.
AIBU?

Your family don’t need to understand anything, it’s nothing to do with them. You desperately want to enjoy this holiday and you deserve to so go ahead. Just don’t try and force your Dc into joining in everything. It’s a recipe for disaster. Just relax and let everyone enjoy the holiday in their own way. You’ll all have a much nicer time than if you start dragging them along each day

If they are moody and sulky and stay in their room, it’s on them. Get a good book, plus a cocktail or mocktail and enjoy wherever you are.

Actually now I am jealous, can I come too?

Fabulous advice, thank you all!

If you can - just leave her to it. Teenagers can be absolute nightmares so if you can just put yourself in a place where you're happy for her to stay inside because you've already done your bit and provided the opportunity for a nice holiday and the rest is up to her. The likelihood is that she'll get fed up of sulking and join you when she's ready. Take whatever you need to have a good time by yourself with you. And just enjoy it!

Please do! In fact, one of my sisters is called Lou, so I’m now wondering if you’re her 😜

Mmm, is it all disabilities you think can be switched off for 3 days or just ADHD?

@feedmefudge I think you have to choose. If you don't want to be carrying your dd's mh on this holiday (fair enough) then you have to let her carry it (or fail to carry it) her own way, even if that's by staying in her room. It would be worth having a chat to her about this before you go though and laying out some expectations.

You just tell them that she’s almost an adult and can choose what she wants to do on her holiday. No need to talk about mental health or weight or potential ADHD.

Shes a self conscious teen who feels fat. To me, that’s got zero to do with neurodiversity and mental health. It’s just a typical young person problem.

Is it ideal? No. But it’s hardly holiday ruining stuff. Just tell her that she deserves this holiday and to make sure she gets what she wants from it. That there’s no pressure whatever she’d like to do. Don’t moan at her or pressure her to get in her swimsuit or swim etc.

I fully understand this. My son does get completely overwhelmed on holiday. We found having a bit of a time table of events helped, also looking at venues and menus removed some of stress. We also took more ubers rather than public transport. I hope you have a wonderful time. It is also fine for them to stay in room abit or sit in bar etc with a book.

OPs daughter hasn’t got an ADHD diagnosis, to be fair. Mum just suspects it. That’s a big difference.

The response to this will be: it's impossible to get a diagnosis because of NHS waiting lists so all teem bolshiness is automatically ADHD.
Either way, ADHD or not, OP sounds completely burnt out and deserves a serene break.

I completely agree with previous posters that a 17 yo is the optimal fun sponge whether they have good or bad MH. Resolve yourself to no expectations is my advice. If skulking in the room is her choice, simply say where you’ll be if she changes her mind and then go off and enjoy the day. Don’t be surprised if she does that all week and in December you hear her telling people she had a great time.

A polite, but very firm, “it’s her holiday, leave her be” rinse and repeat to anyone that comments.

Definitely not unreasonable!

In your shoes, Id be talking to your girls now (just light conversation) and really emphasising how much you need the break/how much you've saved and worked hard for it/how you want to enjoy the pool and peace and quiet and leaving all the usual worries at home. Everything you can to help it sink in for them that you're not going to be entertaining any nonsense!

Privately, I would also be preparing myself for the thing I don't want to happen to happen. Ive learned the hard way that I can't control the actions of others, and nor can I always control my feelings about it. But I can control how much I let those feelings take over my day/week etc. So tell yourself your daughter will probably behave unreasonably, tell yourself its going to annoy you. Plan now how you're going to let that annoyance crash over you like a wave, then plan how you'll walk away and make it not your problem and get on with enjoying your lovely trip. Maybe a few stock phrases "sorry you feel like that, but there's not much we can do about it, so I'm going to go and enjoy my day at the pool as there's no point in it spoiling both of our days".

Have a great time!

Mmm, is it all disabilities you think can be switched off for 3 days or just ADHD?

Mmm, I think there are times when many teenagers with ADHD are difficult through lack of willingness to try, as opposed to the condition directly. But judging by your response I’m going to take a guess that you find that to be a very offensive statement and all teenagers with ADHD have no control over their behaviour at anytime what so ever. So I won’t bother to debate further on the matter. You won’t change my mind just as I won’t change yours, agree to disagree.

I got over this unhappiness by swimming in a rash style vest with sleeves over a bra which is on it's last legs and swimming shorts- no one can see anything.

It would be an awful to say that to a DD who is finding life tough.

It's done now but it's probably not wise for your family to book a high value holiday when someone is not able to enjoy it. What you need by the sounds of it is a break for yourself.

Look after each other and hopefully better times are ahead for you all.

You clearly know very little how ND works.

I agree that you should leave her to it. The more you try to force her to join in the less she will want to - esp if she has ADHD. Do still tell her your plans for the day but don’t show any reaction if she doesn’t join in. And try not to care what other family members think. That’s really not important.
Dont present her with too many choices or decisions to make either . Just decide what’s happening and let her know

No, it wouldn't be awful to say it.OP is a single mum.who works 7 days a week. Her life is tough!
She may have ADHD too but then middke aged mums are just expected to plough on trying to fix everyone.

Been there got the tshirt. I should warn you op that with the best will in the world it will take the shine off things if she has a wobble which she probably will. I’d try to draw up a plan with her. Ways to avoid a MH plummet and a plan as to how to handle it if/ when it happens.

I think this is a good idea. If you just say, "I'm warning you that I'm not going to pussyfoot around your anxiety this holiday," I rather suspect it won't make any difference (or will make things worse).

It's a teen with poor impulse control (adhd). Overeating can be a sort of selfharm just like cutting yourself or restricting food. It can also be a way to self medicate. Work on your empathy.

Teenagers with ADHD aren’t exempt to acting like brats. They are imperfect human beings just like those who are neurotypical.

My 15yo has adhd and probably autism. I realised ion our last holiday that actually we are all a lot happier if I let her spend half the time by herself doing her own thing. So mornings she would tend to stay in apartment and sleep and join us in the afternoon. She also doesn’t like anything too ‘different’, we found this out in se Asia last year….

i need to work out what to do next year though as the oldest is now at uni and so many not holiday with us next year - I need to find somewhere that has some stuff she will want to do (pose for pics against a nice background for the gram, eat & shop) but also be somewhere I want to go and plenty for me to do solo.

Struggling to cope with a disability isn’t “acting like a brat” and NT teenagers don’t have disability to cope with( (which you can’t switch off ) on top of being a teenager.

I don't think it's ok to tell a child - albeit close to adulthood - that you're not available to help with their mental health.

Think it, say it to others, make arrangements for time out - yes. Say it to your child's face? No.

Saying it will likely make things worse anyway.