To tell my daughter that I am not carrying anyone’s mental health while we’re on holiday.

[feedmefudge]

God, that sounds selfish and harsh, I know.
Next week, I am taking my two daughters (20 and 17) on the holiday of a lifetime. I have worked and saved hard for it. I cannot wait.
Both daughters wanted to come with me, which is great. We have been excited. I am exhausted; I’m a single mum, 51, menopausal and I work 7 days at the moment.
One of my daughters has anxiety, but she will be grand on holiday. The younger one has been overeating on the run-up and I know she is going to be difficult on the holiday because she’s not going to be happy with her appearance, in a swimsuit or whatever. She likely has ADHD. I have done everything I can to try and support her. Please believe me when I tell you that I don’t care what she looks like, as long as she is healthy and happy. I grew up with my body being constantly criticised and I have never put my daughters through the same. This comes from her. There has been a dip in her mood in the run up to the holiday and I have a kernel of dread in my stomach.
I am a loving, caring mum who is always there for her daughters and would do anything for them. But I just want to enjoy a normal holiday, with people doing normal things, and not staying in the room because they don’t want to get in the pool. I just don’t have it in me. Come to me for mental health support 51 weeks of the year, but not this one week away. I need it more than anything. I just need some peace, some happiness, some relaxation.
AIBU?

YANBU to want to enjoy your holiday, but I wouldn't actually say to your 17yo you're not going to be carrying her mental health. Discuss with her beforehand whether there's any swimwear she would like - my 15yo has a really nice swim dress that's quite flattering.

FWIW ADHD medication has been life changing for my DD.

This made me laugh 😂.. great come back..

😀On MN mums are always expected to be martyrs. The " You are a mum all your life" and " Being a mum doesn't end when they are 18" posters will be along shortly.

I am often surprised at how little sympathy there is for menopausal women working all hours of the day to raise children, while the men have buggered off. The mental health of middle aged women seems immaterial.

Pack a good book or three and ignore the potential sulkers. Family holidays can be very challenging with older kids.

YABU because why are you going with other family members? Are they likely to be judgemental towards your daughter? If so, you need to have her back. If it was just the three of you I'd have more sympathy.

Absolutely this - put yourself first and enjoy the holiday. She shouldn't have asked to come if she's going to spend all day in the room, what an utter waste of your money.

This is what I was going to say also. I find when I’m on holidays with my teen kids and they have a day where they don’t want to, say, go to the beach, I nag, they get more moody, I get moody, it’s a vicious circle. So I try now to just let them be. And go for a swim by myself and not bring their mood with me. It’s hard not to worry about your kids but it is possible to not absorb their moods, be there for them but don’t let it get you down.

I recommend this approach. My 16yo DS wanted to stay in our room/holiday home on holiday this year. We insisted that he joined us for dinner every day and gave him the itinerary for the following day so he could decide whether to come, but otherwise left him to it. We all had a lovely time.

people can’t just switch off mental ill health or ND because you tell them to.

whilst I understand your desire to not have to deal with it you are being both unreasonable and unrealistic

At age 20 and 17 I would just leave them to it and do exactly what you want to do. I don't know if you heard of the gray rock technique but it would come in handy to not have to explain yourself or deal with attention seeking behavior.
Go and enjoy your time off and do exactly what you want to do

❤️ this!

I think this is great advice OP (and please ignore the posters denying anxiety or adhd exist, saying people who eat too much are annoying, and suggesting they’d cure any mental health issues their kids experience by telling them firmly to get on with it etc!)

This is really lovely.

Maybe invent a codeword for when someone wants a bit of time to themselves. 'Banana'. Gives them a bit of control, gives you an idea of where they are at, they can go off and just have some time to themselves. It would have made so much difference to me, as a self concious teenager whose father thought shouting at me to 'get on with it' would achieve his goal of me smiling and having a good time in public.

I'd have a bit of a 'pre holiday housekeeping' chat with them - separately or together, you know which would be more effective..

Along the lines of 'this is my holiday too, we're all adults more or less, if you don't want to join in with whatever is going on that's fine, we have the hotel room, you can go back there or do your own thing'...

Don't tell anyone what you THINK or worry they may do.. just make it clear that it is your holiday, you expect to be able to enjoy it and you won't be offended if anyone wants to take themselves off to get space/quiet at any point, but you fully intend to carry on enjoying your holiday!

I think pre-emptively packing some beach cover-up sarongs etc for everyone as a present... is a good idea too.

Having had our (including their) dream holiday badly affected by my auDHD kids, I can say that it will be hard. It's hard to see them missing things, get stressed, snap at everyone, and seemingly not enjoy themselves.

I have since done a mixture of going away with them, and not taking them..I would get through it with grace, stay ultra calm, ensure you do the things you want to do even if alone, and let them do what they want. With a bit of light forcing into some things if you know they'll manage woth encouragement An expensive lesson, but you can't let something that is definitely not entirely under their control come between you, especially at such a sensitive age as the younger one.

You're not in any way the worst mum in the world. That's a very difficult situation for you.

The holiday won't magically solve their issues. You'll have to accept they'll be hard work and make plans around them.

I understand and completely relate to how you feel but I think anxiety and stress often surfaces on the first day of a family holiday while everyone adjusts to their new surroundings.

Is there a practical solution (sarong, beach dress, tankini etc) to your daughter’s conundrum?

I really feel for you OP. I saved to take DD ( aged 16 at that time) on a break to London. She has since been diagnosed with OCD, but we didn't know at the time. The OCD plus adolescence combined, made for a difficult time. One or both of us were in tears a lot of the time.We do kind of laugh about it now ( 20 years later), but I still remember feeling sad and resentful that I had worked so hard to save and had such high expectations. Would sitting down with your DD before the holiday and discussing expectations and possible problems ahead of time help you to get across that you are also looking forward to a break with as little tension as possible ? Like other posters have said maybe agree that she can decide when/if she appears in public and what she wants to wear. Teenagers can be very self centered and have no appreciation of sacrifices parents make. Depending on how this goes , don't plan anymore breaks with them until they have the maturity to see you as a person in your own right. They are,or soon will be old enough for you to plan short breaks without them. Good luck!

Keep reminding yourself that you are NOT responsible for her feelings or behaviour. I know it's difficult switching this off when you've spent 20 years trying to ensure they are both happy. But, you are only responsible for how you treat them & the opportunities you provide. How your DD responds to that is on her. Feeling embarrassed by her behaviour or frustrated by any self sabotaging misery on her part is usually a sign you are feeling responsible for these.

You never know, if you calmly & kindly leave her to any sulks, angst or strops, then maybe she will decide to buck herself up & join the rest of you.

Teens can be moody twats on holiday, even when don’t have any mental health issues. You can either chivvy them, guilt trip them, and/or read them the riot act, in which case you’ll all be stressed and miserable, or you can let them be. They can choose to be miserable in their room on their phones while you sip pina coladas and get a lovely tan.

After a few days they tend to get FOMO and start to unclench. Just tell your relatives they’re catching up on sleep or that they’re being teenagers. Just be blasé - ‘I’m not going to the pool - I’m too fat’. ‘’You’re not too fat but if you don’t want to go to the pool I’ll see you when I get back. Enjoy your day’, and then waft out.

And I completely agree with @WiddlinDiddlin and others about the pre holiday chat too

They are adults 17 is nearly an adult just do what you want and if they stay in the room 247 so be it, tell them every evening this is my plan for tomorrow you can come or not and if they start with their problems just change the subject

One of my children brings his ADHD on our family holidays.

I have approached this with various different mindsets and the one I found most helpful is.

Make my peace with him showing up on holiday as himself (he can't do otherwise)
Acknowledge how his ADHD is likely to affect the holiday and prepare accordingly (you've had loads of great suggestions. I would add beautiful kaftans. So many ways to feel great in a kaftan)
Then stick to your boundaries, try not to sweat the small stuff and enjoy your holiday.
Some of it may go better than you think

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and actually I think in hindsight your girls will hopefully look back and realise all the little things they were worrying about don’t matter whilst they’re away and absolutely loving life however.., having travelled with people who have ADHD it can be extremely overwhelming and they need time and space to regulate so please do also allow her that. I don’t mean sulking in her room about her eating habits, I mean,, regulation time.

for context, I actually speak from experience but the flip side as I always travel with my mum as I’m extremely anxious (also overweight!) but I would never ever let those things cloud anyone’s holiday. My mum adores travelling with me, so let yourself just enjoy it too, what you’re worrying about hasn’t happened yet 🫶🏼

Tell her before you that she is not spoiling this holiday for anyone. Every single morning you are there tell her that nobody is spoiling your day. Them make your plans, if she wants to stay in the room let her but don't make a song and dance about. Once she realises she is on her own she will join you.
If she plays up don't ever book another holiday for her.