To tell my daughter that I am not carrying anyone’s mental health while we’re on holiday.

[feedmefudge]

God, that sounds selfish and harsh, I know.
Next week, I am taking my two daughters (20 and 17) on the holiday of a lifetime. I have worked and saved hard for it. I cannot wait.
Both daughters wanted to come with me, which is great. We have been excited. I am exhausted; I’m a single mum, 51, menopausal and I work 7 days at the moment.
One of my daughters has anxiety, but she will be grand on holiday. The younger one has been overeating on the run-up and I know she is going to be difficult on the holiday because she’s not going to be happy with her appearance, in a swimsuit or whatever. She likely has ADHD. I have done everything I can to try and support her. Please believe me when I tell you that I don’t care what she looks like, as long as she is healthy and happy. I grew up with my body being constantly criticised and I have never put my daughters through the same. This comes from her. There has been a dip in her mood in the run up to the holiday and I have a kernel of dread in my stomach.
I am a loving, caring mum who is always there for her daughters and would do anything for them. But I just want to enjoy a normal holiday, with people doing normal things, and not staying in the room because they don’t want to get in the pool. I just don’t have it in me. Come to me for mental health support 51 weeks of the year, but not this one week away. I need it more than anything. I just need some peace, some happiness, some relaxation.
AIBU?

Can you have a chat about expectations before you go? Just a gentle chat saying how tired you are, how exciting it is to have a break and how you're looking forward to leaving "normal life" behind for a week.

I always went with the "no one knows who we are, where we live, what we do and we can be whoever we want to be for a week as we'll never see any of the people there again". That includes clothing, hairstyles, whatever.

ADHD Mum too.

Except this teen doesn't yet have an ADHD diagnosis. I really hate medicalising normal human conditions- teen grumpiness, feeling anxious, feeling sad- as ND without a medical professional being involved.
OP, on the other hand, has to deal with her menopause fatigue because that's just normal life. She can't switch that off either!

I guess we will have to agree to disagree too.

Her mother has said she is text hook ADHD, not their fault the wait lists are insane. All my diagnosed teens had their adhd before their diagnosis. It’s horrendous without treatment .

Of course. But plenty of teenagers with asd or adhd find holidays in particular hard to manage. So taking them on holiday is more likely to exacerbated problem behaviours/neediness so it's kind of mean to then turn round and call them brats. Bit like taking a blind teenager along a really rough path and then snap at them for being slow and stumbling frequently.

Your DDs are your DDs and will carry that wherever they go. But I get your exasperation and deep desire to have a peaceful enjoyable holiday.

I speak as a grandma who remembers holidays with lovelorn teenagers moping in their rooms - on the whole we left them to it ...

You are neither!

So OP is now leaving the teen alone in her room and going off to have fun herself. Seems like a good compromise, ADHD or not?

What about getting a medical diagnosis + treatment though? If that could make a big difference to her at 17, what’s stopping it?

[edit: am aware of waiting lists for NHS/HSE consultants. Have assumed that'd have been mentioned]

She can do what she wants but you will be enjoying yourself. Explain this as nicely as you can before you go. She will probably attempt something for the attention, when you just carry on she gets to make a grown up choice. Her problem.

You’re not being unreasonable but I think you need to accept that this holiday may not be the perfect one you imagine. As a single mum I took my two daughters ( probably about the same age as yours, one ND) away to Barcelona for a few days. I came home swearing I would never go on holiday with the two of them again! I have done but only since they became parents themselves…

YABU to tell her that. But YANBU to take action to have a fantastic holiday, as you really do deserve it. You don’t owe your family an explanation, let everyone have their own version of their best holiday, including yourself!!

Hi OP. You sound lovely. These girls are old enough - just sit them both down before you go and tell them you are in your 50s; you have and will continue to do all you can for them, but they must understand that you have been working g 7 days a week; you are totally exhausted; you have saved hard and you need this holiday for your health and sanity. Tell them that if any dramas are brewing to speak now, or leave it until they get back. You are NOT going to get drawn into swimming costume dramas or staying in rooms etc etc etc. This is your well-earned week off and you are entitled to put yourself first for once in your life. If they want to diet, well do that or get WL meds, but whatever they do, just stop moaning. Good for you. I hope you have a wonderful holiday.

Love the way this is worded. I’m ND and just come back from a very rare trip. It was fun and exciting and absolutely exhausting. I needed to be very careful with my energy and took time out when necessary. Your DD will be learning how to do this for herself - allowing her the space and responsibility to self manage will be very empowering for her… and you!! Good luck :D

Could you get a diagnosis and medication before the holiday?

It’s life changing.

This really stood out to me because I realised that 'smoothing over' and 'explaining' things with my family was actually more exhausting than the kids' behaviour. So I rehearsed a couple of phrases to use and just reverted to them whenever I felt as though I needed to intervene. I made them cheerful but not really inviting an answer, like

'She knows her own mind - I'm not going to worry about it.'

'I'm not telling anyone else how to relax.'

Stuff like that makes it easier to feel like your kids' champion because I always found that I felt awful when I was trying to 'normalise' my kids behaviour and doing them a disservice by giving my parents' thoughts headspace.

But when I big them up and take their side and don't buy into the idea that anyone else deserves an explanation for their preferences, I feel better, the kids really appreciate it, and family get bored of picking up on things if they don't get a reaction.

Yes, I was going to suggest this! I'm not that comfortable in a swimming costume (menopause belly 😫) so I always take a sarong or beach shift to cover up.

We just didn’t do this sort of holidays with dc at this age. We tended to do ones where sun bathing and swimming were optional. We found that so much better and definitely didn’t go with family. ! Well we went with friends a couple of times, but skiing. We found an organised family holiday involving sight seeing better. If you have to apologise about dc it’s not ideal. Maybe tee up family members of the difficulties before you go? If DD wasn’t coming, who would she stay with?

Allow her to worry but not to you. She needs to take ownership. There used to be an app called Worrytime, not sure it still exists. She can do it irl too. Set 20 minutes a day as dedicated worry time (but not as the first/last thing of the day). She has to write down worries whenever she has them during the day on a piece of paper, then put them in a box/thing she can't access to read them back again. Then during the dedicated worry time she opens the box and can go through them all, think about them, did X thing happen, was it as bad as she thought, etc.

Really helped me when I was low - allowing myself to worry but for it not to take up all day.

Buy your ‘overweight’ daughter some nice beachwear. Then get on with enjoying your holiday.

Oh I want to give you a hug. What a lovely mum you are planning and working hard for this amazing holiday you are taking them on . I have some skin in this game as my daughter is almost 16 and is autistic . We have a blended family ( 3 other kids ) and holidays can be really tough . Best advice I can give is breathe and just let her be ( easier said than done). Last year we had to just be ok with leaving my daughter in her room and coming out when she wanted , forcing her out just made her unhappy and everyone else. It's not easy but dont put pressure on your self or her on the idea of what this holiday is going to be and I think you will manage to have a fab time x

Is that how it works then? I didn't realise you could say "oh dearie me I'm exhausted I deserve better" and then just stop being a mum, especially when your DD has possible ND/MH issues.

Yeah, its definitely your DD that needs to get a grip ...

Mums are humans too

they are nearly adults - talks to them about the holiday - what you what and need, what they do

Really like this!

Yep, mothers are famously required to grind themselves into mince so that grown children can enjoy eating homemade hamburgers rather than exert themselves to trek to a shop.

I think this is where spending a lot of money on a holiday often goes wrong: it carries with it really high expectations that everything should be perfect.

Thing is, life is not like that. Nobody’s problems or anxieties go away because they’ve spent a lot of money to sit by a fancy pool.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to expect your daughters to be civil and try to enjoy themselves. But I think we’ve all been encouraged to have unreasonable expectations of holidays.

When we go abroad, we get cheap flights, book an apartment, and explore a new city or town or countryside area. It’s cheap. It’s low stakes. We make simple meals at the apartment or get casual food for lunch. It’s lovely being out of our usual routine, with no housework to do, in a new environment.

People have been sold an unattainable vision for fancy hotel/poolside holidays in my option, that means they are very often disappointed.

I really hope your holiday goes well but you’ve got a teenager whether she’s in her room in a hotel or at home!!