To tell my daughter that I am not carrying anyone’s mental health while we’re on holiday.

[feedmefudge]

God, that sounds selfish and harsh, I know.
Next week, I am taking my two daughters (20 and 17) on the holiday of a lifetime. I have worked and saved hard for it. I cannot wait.
Both daughters wanted to come with me, which is great. We have been excited. I am exhausted; I’m a single mum, 51, menopausal and I work 7 days at the moment.
One of my daughters has anxiety, but she will be grand on holiday. The younger one has been overeating on the run-up and I know she is going to be difficult on the holiday because she’s not going to be happy with her appearance, in a swimsuit or whatever. She likely has ADHD. I have done everything I can to try and support her. Please believe me when I tell you that I don’t care what she looks like, as long as she is healthy and happy. I grew up with my body being constantly criticised and I have never put my daughters through the same. This comes from her. There has been a dip in her mood in the run up to the holiday and I have a kernel of dread in my stomach.
I am a loving, caring mum who is always there for her daughters and would do anything for them. But I just want to enjoy a normal holiday, with people doing normal things, and not staying in the room because they don’t want to get in the pool. I just don’t have it in me. Come to me for mental health support 51 weeks of the year, but not this one week away. I need it more than anything. I just need some peace, some happiness, some relaxation.
AIBU?

I understand what you’re saying but I wouldn’t allow her to speak to you negatively and criticise your parenting when you are exhausted supporting her.
Im a big one for:
‘Are we respectful and courteous in the way that we speak to each other or are we rude? Because I can’t help noticing that I am respectful in the way I speak to you and you’re actually outright rude. Trust me, I can be rude too if that’s the way it’s going to be! Plenty of experience with that! Just let me know so we are all on the same page - respectful or snappy and rude? You will receive the communication manner you choose to give out’.
Robust boundaries are so exceptionally important, especially in cases of poor mental health.

'Embarassing'?!

You can't force anyone to have a good time or behave how you wish they would. Let her stay in her room - surely that's preferable to her dragging you down with her issues?

Everyone has mental health issues, including you and you deserve a holiday. Set down some rules about what are and are nit reasonable behaviours on holiday. If either daughter indulge in inappropriate behaviour ignore them and enjoy your holiday.

Did you post on here about it? If so, you were the 1st thing I thought about when I read this. I'm so glad you have planned a break for yourself next year if it was you!

I've said YABU but only because I think you should go away on your own if you want a relaxing, stress - free time. Inviting others and expecting them to behave as you'd like them to just isn't going to work.

Well, no. Not everyone has mental health issues. We all have mental health, which can be good or poor or anywhere in between. But we’re not ALL mentally ill, obviously 🙄

You are right not to want to carry your daughters om this holiday but please also be mindful of not carrying your relatives as well.

It is none of their business if your daughter chooses to stay in her room, you have paid for this holiday, not them.

If anyone asks why she’s not by the pool say something like ‘She’s doing what she wants to do, it’s her holiday too.’

I don’t think that poster means everyone is mentally ill, but there is a school of thought that says everyone has a mental quirk or imbalance. Some people are more able to cope with theirs than others.

Well maybe, but I think the intention behind their post was very much ‘we have all have mental health issues, so your kids should just get over theirs so everyone can have a nice holiday’.

Anxiety or ADHD doesn’t take a holiday whenever you’d like… I think flattening mental illnesses and minor quirks into the same ‘issues’ is sort of sneakily allowing the poster to dismiss more persistent or serious mental health issues as something that should just be coped with.

YANBU at all, but I'd adjust your expectations and set your own game plan. Decide now how you want to handle it if/when it comes up.
Personally, as long as she is safe, if she decides to stay in the room I'd be inclined to say: "That's okay, take your time, I'd really love for you to join us all whenever you're ready." and then just go. Just go and have fun and try not to let yourself get sucked in to overthinking it or trying to fix it for her.
I hope you have a lovely time, OP

it’s embarrassing that your daughter is struggling with body image? Why?
Also you don’t have to tell anyone why, if someone ask just say ‘oh teenagers, you know what they’re like ’ and leave it at that.

Your patience would low run because your own child was clearly having some pretty bad mental health problems? Nothing shocks me with this site anymore.

Disgusting.

Jesus Christ your poor daughters 😞

Just tell them they’re not coming. Tell them the truth in how you feel. Tell them you’d prefer if they’d stay at home.

this is great advice

speaking as an overweight daughter with ADHD.

If they start being a pain, ignore them. Just say "Your decision!" and get yourself glammed up and out to the bar, or by the pool, or whatever you want. Have a lovely holiday....but next time go on your own.

Struggling with their mental health and self esteem isn’t being a “brat”.

Feel so sorry for people who have had to grow up with parents like you.

Where is the problem really? You love your children, you are taking them on holiday, both have mental h issues, you are caring mum. Let them sleep or eat or whatever, give them some machine slot money and you go and enjoy yourself

I think you’re being a bit of a wet wipe. Your children are not 5 if they are having a moment or a bad day you can absolutely leave them to sulk and get on with it in the room and go and enjoy your holiday. Nothing stops you it just sounds so stupid. 7 years ago I was 22 my mum was 50 I took her on our first trip to Italy. She was poorly. I ventured out on my own just fine and went to eat by myself sat and had cups of tea by myself. Same as the next holiday i ended up sick my mum and auntie both went out and left me on my own because i was 23 and could quite easily look after myself so there’s no real reason why your grown ass adults can’t

I don't know is it the experience with raising a child with various health issues < all recovered successfully !!? but as long they are happy and not a threat to themselves and anyone else, I have taken decision to have a cup of tea, keep quiet if they try to say random nonsense asking for a conflict and life has been amazingly peaceful - enjoy your peace, woman, don't look for hills to die on

Do you know, I don’t think it is necessary to pussyfoot around it. They are your children. You need a good relaxing break without any added stress. A mental break from having to hold everyone together.

It is not wrong to set ground rules and manage expectations before you go. As a ND person, it might even help her. But yes, be kind and honest. Unnecessary Problems are not allowed to jump in the suitcase and go travelling with. 😁 They can stay home. Let her take her best self on the trip, and you go and enjoy every minute.

On that case she should stay at home. Alone.

I tell her straight to be honest and lay down your expectations. That We are going away on a holiday if a lifetime and if there is anything worrying you tell me now because when on holiday it’s too late. That you won’t put up with anyone excluding themself from the family or activities, you can have some alone time but not all day. If they can’t abide but that then don’t come. Don’t play into it op.

Your patience would low run because your own child was clearly having some pretty bad mental health problems?

Yes I thought I made that quite clear dear.

Considering how many posters have ‘liked’ my posts on this thread in agreement your outrage to them is rather amusing 😄

I’ve heard the phrase “strike while the iron is cold” for dealing with ADHD upsets. So maybe it is worth a bit of a conversation about it before you all go? Talk in advance when everyone is calm and in a decent mood about what any flashpoints might be, and figure out some tactics in advance - which could well be saying “will leave you to it love, going to the pool”.