To tell my daughter that I am not carrying anyone’s mental health while we’re on holiday.

[feedmefudge]

God, that sounds selfish and harsh, I know.
Next week, I am taking my two daughters (20 and 17) on the holiday of a lifetime. I have worked and saved hard for it. I cannot wait.
Both daughters wanted to come with me, which is great. We have been excited. I am exhausted; I’m a single mum, 51, menopausal and I work 7 days at the moment.
One of my daughters has anxiety, but she will be grand on holiday. The younger one has been overeating on the run-up and I know she is going to be difficult on the holiday because she’s not going to be happy with her appearance, in a swimsuit or whatever. She likely has ADHD. I have done everything I can to try and support her. Please believe me when I tell you that I don’t care what she looks like, as long as she is healthy and happy. I grew up with my body being constantly criticised and I have never put my daughters through the same. This comes from her. There has been a dip in her mood in the run up to the holiday and I have a kernel of dread in my stomach.
I am a loving, caring mum who is always there for her daughters and would do anything for them. But I just want to enjoy a normal holiday, with people doing normal things, and not staying in the room because they don’t want to get in the pool. I just don’t have it in me. Come to me for mental health support 51 weeks of the year, but not this one week away. I need it more than anything. I just need some peace, some happiness, some relaxation.
AIBU?

As a mum of all girls, 2 of whom are teens, you have my sympathy. Teenagers are hard work and you're doing it alone which is even harder.

I'd let go of expectations if you can. If she wants to stay in her room then of course it's not ideal when you've paid so much money but if it's going to stress you out and ruin your holiday, then I really would let it go. Make peace with it now so you don't stress over it on holiday. The last thing you want is to be battling your daughter when you're meant to be relaxing.

Have a wonderful time!

Well, she isn’t happy. If she was, then of course there wouldn’t be an issue. She does talk to me about it, so I am all too aware of how she’s feeling.

Enjoy your holiday.
Don't let anybodys mood bring you down.

Again, can I just say that I really appreciate your replies.
I think I would find it easier to let go, if not going on holiday with others. My family don’t really understand mental health ‘stuff.’

Thus is what I need to hear, thank you!

This is really good advice. Preparing them now whilst gently letting them know you will be relaxing on holiday. Wafty top is a great idea!

Ok. You do know your own DD best.
However at 17, she needs to take responsibility. Say she can stay in her room if she wants to, and you go out.
But don't ruin your holiday playing mother hen.

YABU hoping they don't have any issues while you're away, but YANBU leaving them to work through these without a load of input from you.

Sorry, I quoted the wrong post! This is the one I meant- really good idea with the podcast and wafty top/sarong.

Is your younger daughter capable of hearing your message and taking it on board? If she is then there's some hope but what can you do if she can't or won't hear your concerns? Is there any possibility that your older daughter can speak to her?

I won’t, don’t worry 😊

OP, I hope you know you can't tell your DD that she has to postpone her MH issues on holiday because she would if she could.

I'd just say to them both: on this holiday we are going to be really kind to ourselves. We are going to rest and have fun and not judge ourselves - not our bodies, our appetities, our emotions. I have been working 7 days a week to pay for this and I am flat out exhausted but so looking forward to it. I plan to rest and hang out by the pool. You are free to do what you want and if you need a week of duvet time, take it. I hope you will want to explore a bit but if not - guilt free - be kind to yourselves and take what you need from the holiday. And please respect my need to do the same.

Then have the holiday you want and need.

She has an extremely fixed mindset (or stubborn, as we used to call it!). I adore the girl but she can be exhausting.

If anyone wants to spend time on their own during the holiday you just let them get on with it.

Just enjoy yourself and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks.

I think I'd pick my battles a bit differently. If she wants to stay in the room let her. If you want to disengage from her anxieties then I would let go of "making" her do things that set her off.

Make the most of the time she chooses to spend with you, but let it go if she wants to do her own thing.

I understand how you feel. My DD had a serious eating disorder (anorexia) between the ages of 11-19. She still wanted to go in holiday, but every trip was spoilt by traipsing round looking for places that would serve steamed kale. I’d tell her how you’re feeling .

Youi are not responsible for her feelings or actions, or for those of anyone else in the family. You have been sensitive to her needs, and I'm sure that will cojntinue, but this is your holiday. She can choose whether to come out of her room or not. You can try to make it easier for her, like making sure you all have a nice cover-up as another poster suggested, but what she does is her choice. You might want to point out that other people are looking forward to seeing her, but all in all, it's not going to help anyone if you don't switch off on this holiday. You can't pour from an empty jug and all that.

I just read your posts OP and see that you want your teen to join you in activities.Even NT teens are a stubborn nightmare! So I would leave her and do what you want to do.

Order her some lovely throw over linen or cotton sundresses that she can cover up in and sit by the pool in. Let her go to her room if she wants. Don’t let it bother you or be embarrassed about it. Let her be. Enjoy your holiday.

Yes, lower your expectations of what she will do to zero. She wants to come along. Great. Anything else she joins in with is a bonus.

Take all pressure off her. Let her know that this is her holiday, and your special holiday too. She can choose what to do. She's old enough now. You'll let her know what you are up to and she can join in, if she wants.

Practice breezy replies for your family. "Where's dd? In her room again?' Oh you know what 17 year olds are like . . . Glass of wine anyone?

'Why doesn't she want to come out with us?' I've no idea. I really don't want to keep discussing her. She'll join in or not, when she's ready. Cold drink anyone?

But aren't you worried? Nope. She's 17, safe and on holiday with me. I worry 51 weeks a year. This week, I'm not worrying.

But don't you think . . . Nooooo. I'm on holiday, and not going to talk about dd anymore!

Best of luck

Oh don't worry about what they think, they might not understand mental health stuff but they will be familiar with teenagers. If your daughter wants to stay in her room and they ask just say something like "oh typical teens, she's spending some time alone, you know how they can be. We are all enjoying our holiday in our own way".

All good retorts!

PS Could your girls plan a morning out together that they would enjoy, if joining the big group is too stressful for dd2?

Pps My ds2 has ADHD and we had a very similar holiday, with him spending a week in his room, bar the evening meal, most which he enjoyed. If he tried anything else, he managed to get copious nosebleeds, so we just had to leave him to it.

I can see both sides here, and I say that as a 46 year old Mum to a 23 year old dd who is literally driving us all crazy at the moment for all kinds of reasons, and yet I also feel incredibly sorry for her and I’m trying to be the best Mum I can. It’s not easy. Unfortunately mental health doesn’t take a holiday, even when you do. I think having young adult children are some of the most challenging times as a parent. You feel like whatever you do is wrong and often they come out raging at what a shit parent you’ve been. It’s hard. And it comes at the time when we are getting older and more worn out and want to enjoy ourselves. I think all you can do is be as supportive as you can but also let go and let them do what they want to do whilst you seek out your own enjoyment where you can.

Can you take her shopping to try on swim wear and holiday clothes so your DD is prepared for her appearance in it before you go?

I knew I’d gained weight before a holiday abroad in 2023 but got a huge shock trying on swim wear in Next the week before we went.

The 3 way mirrors are awful and so is the lighting in my local shop, I broke down in the changing room and sobbed.

If I’d had to put on swim wear on holiday and had that shock reaction I’d likely have ruined it for my DP and made him as miserable as me, it was good that it happened before we went.

My DP said we couldn’t do anything to change it now except find clothes I was comfortable and felt good in, we had a bit of a shopping spree where I got coverups, boy leg swimming costumes that were flattering and things like maxi dresses and cardigans.
I still hated how big I was but got my nails and hair done and vowed I’d enjoy myself and worry about my weight when I got back.

I felt self conscious at times on holiday but sometimes I actually felt good about myself and if I got upset I just told myself I’d change it when I got home - I did and lost 2 stone.

I have ADHD and know how easy it is to get fixated so if you can try to avoid that happening on the holiday by dealing with it beforehand you might find your DD is ok.
Also tell her how you feel and how important it is to you.

I have had eating disorders since a young teen and my mum spent hours with me in changing rooms before any nights out, special occasions or holidays. She always helped me find something to wear that gave me confidence and was always honest about what suited me so I trusted her opinion.

You deserve a really good holiday and your daughters should want that for you. I have had many struggles with my mental health and I know you can’t just flip a switch and turn off negative emotions but at times you do have to manage them yourself for the sake of other people.

Perhaps you could suggest that if anyone wants a break or quiet time in their room then to take the time for themselves so there isn’t the pressure to join in with everything?
If you have an honest and open conversation about expectations then you will hopefully have a good time with minimal stress ❤️.