To tell my daughter that I am not carrying anyone’s mental health while we’re on holiday.

[feedmefudge]

God, that sounds selfish and harsh, I know.
Next week, I am taking my two daughters (20 and 17) on the holiday of a lifetime. I have worked and saved hard for it. I cannot wait.
Both daughters wanted to come with me, which is great. We have been excited. I am exhausted; I’m a single mum, 51, menopausal and I work 7 days at the moment.
One of my daughters has anxiety, but she will be grand on holiday. The younger one has been overeating on the run-up and I know she is going to be difficult on the holiday because she’s not going to be happy with her appearance, in a swimsuit or whatever. She likely has ADHD. I have done everything I can to try and support her. Please believe me when I tell you that I don’t care what she looks like, as long as she is healthy and happy. I grew up with my body being constantly criticised and I have never put my daughters through the same. This comes from her. There has been a dip in her mood in the run up to the holiday and I have a kernel of dread in my stomach.
I am a loving, caring mum who is always there for her daughters and would do anything for them. But I just want to enjoy a normal holiday, with people doing normal things, and not staying in the room because they don’t want to get in the pool. I just don’t have it in me. Come to me for mental health support 51 weeks of the year, but not this one week away. I need it more than anything. I just need some peace, some happiness, some relaxation.
AIBU?

It sounds you’re maybe more concerned with what people think than your daughters. If you can let all that go and accept it will be what it is then I think you’ll be fine. If you’re trying to get them to fit with what you think others are expecting then you’ll exhaust yourself. Let everyone have the holiday they need to have and leave it at that. Really hope you can enjoy it

I think you just need to let it go. A lot of neurodivergent people struggle with big changes to routine and also... she's a teenager. You don't need to get sucked into it. She's old enough that if she wants to spend most of her time relaxing in the room, that's up to her. Doesn't matter what your other family members think about that.

Some odd comments here. I am not sure telling a ND person to be less ND has ever worked, but what do I know. Also a 17 year old is not an adult, and expecting a non adult to be grateful that their DP paid for their holiday again seems like an odd expectation.

I have a few friends with ND teen DDs. I know that their DDs aren’t being difficult deliberately, I also know that it’s hard for the DMs because they can’t fully chill and their DDs behaviour can be challenging. I think the responses suggesting that you just let your DD relax in the best way she can are the most helpful ones, and if that includes being on her own in the room during the day quite a bit - particularly if she’s sharing with you and other DD - so be it. You can’t force her to enjoy the holiday, but you can try to minimise the stress on both of you.

DS 20 is not ND but he was a bit of a pain as a teen on holiday. We just ignored it as much as possible. If he wanted to stay in the hotel room and miss out on excursions well that was his problem, didn’t make a big thing of it and tried not to let it spoil our day.

@feedmefudge I have a high support needs child so I get it. We can't avoid D'S needs deciding what we do because he needs 24 h our care and limited understanding. So we take solo holidays when we can.

it's ok to let her stay in her room if that is what she needs. it's a workaround. It's her break too let her relax in her way and you do what you need to meet your own needs.

If family have opinions on it if it's not harming them encourage them to chill out and go about their holiday , perhaps not travel with them in future if they wI'll make things worse.

I was with you until this, this is where I think YABU.

Forcing her to come out of the room and put on a face will 99% lead to disaster. If she wants to stay in her room, leave her be. Everyone knows teenagers are tricky, it won’t be embarrassing. It will be far more embarrassing to force her out and have her in a mood with everyone.

No trying to persuade. Everyone is welcome to do what they need to get the best out of the holiday. Make sure there is something floaty and young available (try primark for a cheap beach cover up or two). Don’t draw attention to them other than make it known they are there as part of your holiday prep like you would with sun cream. Then leave everyone to their own decisions.

If family members comment you just need to smile and shrug and say “she’s 17, who knows! I’m leaving her to it”. People know what teenagers are like.
Agreed it would be more embarrassing if she’s there and obviously doesn’t want to be.

I think I’d sit them both down and say pretty much what you’ve said here.

You deserve to enjoy this holiday - and they are old enough to appreciate that. As others have said - if she opts to stay in her room and not make the most of the holiday that’s on her. Just leave her to it and let her know you won’t be pandering to her needs for the week.

YANBU and I say this both as a carer and who has ADHD myself. I'd allow her to stay in her room however, as much as anything to prioritise your own well being. I'd also have a preemptive talk before you go, emphasising how much you need to relax on this break.

Daft women 😂

Okay. But I’m not persuaded by your argument, all the same. (Not least because that ‘under-25 brains aren't fully developed’ stuff has infantilised young(ish) adults so much.)

Fuck , yes.
Anyway am also in line for the ' Would be a crap counsellor award" along with the 'crap mum' award with @Nevs.
I feel sorry for OP, actually, more than anyone else.

So pick your battles. No, it’s not ideal if she wants to sit in her room. But the money has been spent now, so there’s no point making yourself and her miserable by making a big fuss about her joining in. Neither of you are going to enjoy yourself that way.

And if anyone has anything to say about it, shrug your shoulders, say ‘teenagers’ and ask them if they want more drink/food/family photos.

100% get this. Had a basic uk break with similar daughter situations in summer and I nearly took me out.

Hope they relax into the different environment a bit and allow you a break

highly recommend solo holidays. My fav thing