To tell my daughter that I am not carrying anyone’s mental health while we’re on holiday.

[feedmefudge]

God, that sounds selfish and harsh, I know.
Next week, I am taking my two daughters (20 and 17) on the holiday of a lifetime. I have worked and saved hard for it. I cannot wait.
Both daughters wanted to come with me, which is great. We have been excited. I am exhausted; I’m a single mum, 51, menopausal and I work 7 days at the moment.
One of my daughters has anxiety, but she will be grand on holiday. The younger one has been overeating on the run-up and I know she is going to be difficult on the holiday because she’s not going to be happy with her appearance, in a swimsuit or whatever. She likely has ADHD. I have done everything I can to try and support her. Please believe me when I tell you that I don’t care what she looks like, as long as she is healthy and happy. I grew up with my body being constantly criticised and I have never put my daughters through the same. This comes from her. There has been a dip in her mood in the run up to the holiday and I have a kernel of dread in my stomach.
I am a loving, caring mum who is always there for her daughters and would do anything for them. But I just want to enjoy a normal holiday, with people doing normal things, and not staying in the room because they don’t want to get in the pool. I just don’t have it in me. Come to me for mental health support 51 weeks of the year, but not this one week away. I need it more than anything. I just need some peace, some happiness, some relaxation.
AIBU?

Your total lack of empathy and superiority complex to a few ‘likes’ just makes me feel even more sorry for people who have had to grow up with a mother like you.

Teens like their rooms even on fabulous holidays.
I know. My eldest was a bit like that at times.
We just let it go and focused on enjoying lovely meals together and if he wanted to stay in the rooms, so be it.
Enjoy the holiday.
Don't discuss it with family.
You can control that.
Repeat you are happy to let her do what she likes on her holiday.
Be firm, no discussion about it.

I’m okay with that. All of your posts on MN are hysterical and performative so your opinion holds no weight to me. Have a good evening 🙂

And your posts show a complete lack of empathy and consideration for others, which is really really sad.

I’d much prefer to be me, than you.

Thanks you too 😁

It's a family holiday and if there's an unwritten expectation to socialise at least some of the time, then treat your DD like the adults that they are and don't take on the shame and embarrassment of making excuses for their poor behaviour. Relatives ask where they are, you don't know. If you're asked if they're going to come join everyone, you don't know. Change the subject, shut down the conversation that's underlying their questions: that you're responsible for their behaviour. You're not. Let them face the questioning relatives, let them feel the awkward effects of having to explain why they're behaving inappropriately for a family holiday. They're not small children, it's time to move out of the selfishly doing whatever they like phase and move into the more adult doing what's expected and appropriate for the occasion phase. Let them feel the embarrassment and shame, it belongs to them.

You'll be doing them a favour. They'll learn to take responsibility for their own mental health and say no to doing things, like going on a big extended family holiday, that they can't cope with. Instead of coming and being antisocial. They'll learn the balance between doing some of what you don't want to do when you're able to do it, so that you can bail out on things you really really can't do without offending anyone. They'll learn to step into the give-and-take of adult relationships and that the universe doesn't centre around them and their health issues.

On a practical note, the girl who doesn't like her weight can join the club of many other overweight women who feel the same. She can do what they do, wear a sarong or a floaty cover-up dress over her one-piece stomach-sucking-in swimsuit, a large floppy sunhat to take attention away from the bits she doesn't like and sit beside the pool with a book or music or chat with others doing the same. There's no need to hide in her room. There's not even the societal expectations to be feminine just because she's female. Nobody is going to care if she wears an oversized t-shirt and baggy board shorts over her swimsuit even if she goes in the pool like that. The other girl with anxiety needs an action plan for if she starts feeling out of control so she can nip it in the bud before it really takes hold.

If all else fails and they spend majority time in their rooms, outright refuse to take them again next time and don't shy away from telling them why. Tell them they were rudely antisocial last time and you aren't happy to pay X amount of money for them to go to another country and stay in their rooms again.

I honestly think it's a fucking cheek that they asked to come and let you pay their way in the first place, knowing you work 7 days a week. Don't they think you deserve a day off? If you weren't paying for them to come maybe you'd have been able to afford to only work 6 days a week. I wouldn't have done it, they'd have been told if they wanted to come they had to pay for themselves.

Do you feel the same about alcoholics! Goodness me! Zero understanding about addictions here....🙄

@Nevs I totally agree with @Mirsine
I feel sorry for any kids you may have ....