Half cringing. Half admiring. Turning up at wedding after being uninvited.

[SlothsRUs]

We were at a wedding yesterday and we’re still at the hotel.

Husband had been out with a friend a few weeks ago and she had told him that the groom’s brother had stepped down from being best man as his stepson had not been invited.

I was delighted at this as when same thing happened to us my husband wasn’t supportive

It then emerged that he had tried to stop his own son from going but child’s mother and rest of family stepped in.

Yesterday came along and there is groom’s brother, wife and stepson sitting at back of church in casual clothes.

They then stood at entrance to churchyard at which point mother of groom saw him and started crying Family and friends including my DH shook hands.

We check in to hotel and come down and nephew is being comforted by the ushers

Brother of groom, wife and stepchild had come to hotel as well, where they stayed in the entrance for four hours.

He claimed he just wanted to be on the periphery of his brother’s big day.

I was half cringing and half admiring. I wanted to curtsy for his sheer chutzpah.

No one is talking about anything else.

Outrageous behaviour by all of them. Not inviting step son is bad. And when the father decided the whole family weren’t going that should have been respected too. Nobody should have overruled that by insisting the blood nephew comes. I’d expect my sister to completely cut me out if I went to her ex to get my own way when she’d said no to something involving her child. The father should have go no contact with the lot of them.

Equally, it is utterly ludicrous to turn up anyway. They have destroyed the wedding day and upset the children. So probably will be cut out themselves now.

The nephew at 12 was likely very embarrassed by his dad turning up at the wedding he had said he wasn't going to attend and making a scene.
Also if it's the standard step family situation the nephew spends less time with his dad than his new step brother and already feels a bit pushed out and here is his dad turning up with his new step brother even knowing it would upset his actual son. I can't imagine his ongoing relationship with his dad is going to be great.

This is the important fact - the bride and groom only have one nephew but,

The groom's brother has two sons.

Me neither - poor kid.

Tbf the OP was confusing. I had to read the comments to find out who was who and what was going on.

The only person I feel sorry for here is the 12 year old.

I do understand the grooms brothers side, he has a family and that family is not recognised. However, he tried to stop his son going to the wedding to show solidarity, but that shouldn't be a burden the son has to carry. He just wanted to be a part of his uncle's celebration.

It's funny how some PP call a partner just 'someone they're shagging' even though the first partner was 'someone they were shagging'. The bride is 'someone they're shagging'. Projection from people who got in there first and think that makes them more important than any future family.

I wouldn't talk to my sibling if they didn't invite my step child either. But equally, I wouldn't stop my biological children attending if that's what they wanted to do.

So, the groom, the bride and the brother are all wrong. None of them care about the kids in this scenario, even if they're pretending they are.

I think the point is not at this point whether the stepson should have been invited it is the downright disrespect and almost goading actions of the brother making a ridiculous stance of not only going to the church I mean fine, everyone is welcome they are public places but to go to the venue is a malicious act. It served no purpose but to pit the fmily against each other. Awful carry on. The poor kids involved too - I mean maybe the stepson was oblivious but the older one would have picked up on that atmosphere.

He doesn’t. He has one son and one step son.

So in a blended family you think they wouldn't have spoken about the wedding? Or do they tell the son to lie by omission? My mind is blown at how some of you act around family. Or lack of as it seems.

it is well established manners that the wedding are expected to be civil with or not notice public attendees. The wedding attendees or party causing a scene violates both standard wedding etiquette and basic public civility.

I was only concerned for the blood nephew, the one whose family rejects its own members. Their own grandchild.

Remember his dad was excluded for not excluding and possibly hurting the feelings of other members of the nephews immediate family, (which includes step siblings)

They did not care enough about the well being of the blood relation nephew to remain even ruthlessly civil.

Going forward the mother of the grandson they acknowledge should be made aware of the safegaurding concerns so she can protect her child from feeling unsafe. As I tried to explain,... a family who rejects its closest members can cause insecurity,

Sorry i am dsyelxic,.

Public weddings are public. This means it not a breach of manners to attend.

The brother showing up was a good and politething to do. If the grooms familywere not so rude it could have been a good compromise to show he supports both his sons and brother. They were not dressed in fancy clothes so everyone knew they were there as uninvited.. My own wedding had many who were not invited attend.

The wedding party could have pretended it was no big deal, instead its eems they made it very clear to the nephew that they will not even display the rock bottom minimum of good manners to close family members who do not reject others at their bidding.

Maybe the groom's brother has worked very hard to incorporate his step-son into his family and treats him as his son. He was due to be the best man and found out that the groom considers he has only one nephew who is incorporated into the wedding party, with his usher clothes, but the other son is not even invited.

I think the above is what the OP admires. The subsequent behaviour is cringeworthy.

Im also totally confused about who is who or who did or didnt come and who did or didnt support who or who.

And what does OP mean that her husband wasnt supportive when this happened to them? What happened to them?

Well now they have no relationship with the family at all. I doubt the brother is gong to let the groom see either child after this.

I think your instincts are good. The wedding group caused an ill mannered scene without regard for the feelings of the grandson-they-accept.

Attending a public wedding with other members of the public dressed as a member of the public shows good manners. It shows support while not rejecting the grandson- they- accept's brother. This was not a private wedding.

The grooms brother should have tried to stop his son attending the wedding in order to keep him safe. It is pretty creepy about the pure blood. Hopefully the grandson- they- accept's mother will realise the safegaurding concerns and protect him in future so he doesnt have to grow up worrying he may do something to lose the love of his uncle and grandparents.

Poor kid being left out.

"Globaltravel · Today 13:04

I’m not sure what I think tbh. In an ideal world the stepson would have been included, but not everyone has the same criteria for what makes a ‘family.’ "

I don't understand why people can't be generous.

Given how distraught the son was, possibly the brother is not going to see much of his own son and it will be just him and his wife and step son. Hopefully the groom and the rest of the extended family keep seeing the son/nephew.

This is awful behaviour and I can’t understand why you seem so gleeful about it. It’s real life and real feelings, not Eastenders.

I agree with you, but still think the couple can decide whatever they want about their wedding. They're not, however, free from the consequences. When you show people that your party is more important than your relationship or their presence, then don't be surprised when your relationship is less of a priority for the people who have just been shown where they rank for you.

Agree. The stance is fine, but then stay away. No need to make a point further than that.

Anyway, the Baby Reindeers are 100% totally in the wrong. No ifs, no ands, no buts, only someone who was truly personality disorded could pretend to see their point of view. You might WANT to ruin someone's wedding day for spite, I get the tempation but nobody who was mentally stable would actually go ahead and do it. They had to plan this, get in the car, drive there, and execute their pathetic plan - at any point along the way sanity could have prevailed. But no, they went for it.

And because their behaviour was so maliciously off the charts terrible, now I wonder just why the kid was not invited in the first place.

Personally, I'd never not invite both the blood relative child and the step child, I wouldn't do that to the children.

But now, like everyone else at that wedding, I'd be wondering what the real backstory is.

The new wife is, as we know, a lunatic. We know this because she turned up in casual clothes with her son in tow to a wedding she was not welcome at, hoping that torturing her son in public would ruin the wedding. Which it did, to her poor son's detriment. Appalling parenting on her part. No words for how cruel and manipulative this was to her poor son.

We know the brother of the groom is also a lunatic. Because his son's mother wanted his son to attend the wedding he went full controlling fruitcake and, instead of letting the boy just enjoy the day, he also turned up wearing a leper bell in an attempt to destroy the wedding for his entire family.

These two people, brother and the new wife - are, inarguably, batshit crazy, totally self centred, and refuse to take no for an answer.

So what else have they been getting up to? They've proven they're completely batshit, utterly bonkers, that's not up for debate. Now we have to wonder what kind of horrible issues they've been causing with the step son to cause the bride and groom not to invite him.

These two "parents" have caused trauma to the stepson, I hate people using the word trauma lightly, but to be paraded there like a stray dog by his bonkers parents in front of a whole church load of people - no other word will do. To say it's bad parenting doesn't even touch the sides, it's actually abusive parenting to do this to the boy. And the other poor kid, the blood relative nephew, who has to live with these crackpots. Jesus wept.

At this point, everyone who attended is thinking the same thing. Even if the Baby Reindeers were in the right, originally, they're only ever going to be known as that batshit family, best to avoid them, and they have hung that humiliation round both their sons' necks like an albatross. This is something people will be sneering at them over for years to come. It's the first thing I'd tell anyone if discussing them and no, not out of spite - as a warning. These people are fucking batshit, be very very careful when you deal with them.

Really doesn't matter what the bride and groom did now, or why they did it, everyone will be thinking and wondering the same thing - Avoid the Baby Reindeers, they have massive public tantrums when they're told no - and oh those poor, poor boys.

It seems the OP has a child they feel should have been treated like a blood relative, but she did not get her way as he's a step child - that's my reading of the post anyway.

And now she's maliciously and gleefully enjoying someone else's wedding day being ruined. She didn't quite have the balls to spitefully ruin the wedding day of someone else, so she's enjoying seeing someone else's day ruined, a step child traumatised and paraded like a stray dog, and people in tears.

We have no idea (or at least not at the point that I read so far) how long the step child has been in the brothers life, and how much time he spends living with him. If he's only been around for a year or two as an every other weekend presence, and the bride and groom have barely met him, why would they invite him?

I would not want to be associated with this family at all.

to be paraded there like a stray dog by his bonkers parents in front of a whole church load of people - no other word will do. To say it's bad parenting doesn't even touch the sides, it's actually abusive parenting to do this to the boy. And the other poor kid, the blood relative nephew, who has to live with these crackpots. Jesus wept.

I couldn't agree more. I feel more for the kids than for anyone else. It's ironic that the brother has caused both kids more anguish than would have been caused by the lack of invite

I can’t believe grown adults get themselves into these situations.

If you’re invited, attend. If you’re not, don’t.

A total embarrassment.

I’m assuming you wouldn’t invite any new family member under 2 years old then