Half cringing. Half admiring. Turning up at wedding after being uninvited.

[SlothsRUs]

We were at a wedding yesterday and we’re still at the hotel.

Husband had been out with a friend a few weeks ago and she had told him that the groom’s brother had stepped down from being best man as his stepson had not been invited.

I was delighted at this as when same thing happened to us my husband wasn’t supportive

It then emerged that he had tried to stop his own son from going but child’s mother and rest of family stepped in.

Yesterday came along and there is groom’s brother, wife and stepson sitting at back of church in casual clothes.

They then stood at entrance to churchyard at which point mother of groom saw him and started crying Family and friends including my DH shook hands.

We check in to hotel and come down and nephew is being comforted by the ushers

Brother of groom, wife and stepchild had come to hotel as well, where they stayed in the entrance for four hours.

He claimed he just wanted to be on the periphery of his brother’s big day.

I was half cringing and half admiring. I wanted to curtsy for his sheer chutzpah.

No one is talking about anything else.

They can, but there are consequences for a 12 year old boy who is being notified that he’s not considered part of the family, What kind of narcissist prioritises their own convenience?

What he was trying to do was equalise the two boys by not allowing one to be favoured and included over the other. He was saying we’re family so either we all come or none of us, but you can’t exclude one family member.

I don’t have stepkids but I’d have done the same. I wouldn’t have showed up though.

Yes, to all of this. The brother may have already had his best-man outfit and his oldest son his usher outfit and it may have come as a shock when his younger son wasn't on the invitation. When the first wife, and other family members over-ruled his decision for the older son not to attend - as you say, it was that we all go then. His preference was we all stay away.

Still very uncomfortable for everyone.

No one should ever have to be ‘equalised’ to another child that their parent’s new partner brings along from a previous relationship.

Oh you’re like them. No-one should have to be, that’s why children should not be treated this way.

The correct thing to do was not go at all.

That’s a cop-out. It absolves the frankly unhinged brother of responsibility.

I think you’re the mad one.

In this case they shouldn’t have. An amoeba could work that out.

Mother of groom started crying when she saw him? 🤣 It all sounds a bit Eastenders.

YABU

Honestly, I see nothing much to admire about the actions of the grooms brother and his wife. All he has done is cause a world of hurt and likely deepened whatever rift had already been made into a chasm from which it is going to be extremely difficult to ever close. And hurt his child in the process. What exactly is positive about that?

He made his point when he stepped down from his role as best man in protest that his stepson was not invited. That is a reasonable response if he was unhappy about the fact his stepson was not invited- if you don’t like the terms of the invite then the only thing required is for you to decline the invite. Nothing further was needed.

Their actions were about revenge and were rather vindictive. They knew turning up like that would cause a scene, making the day about them and largely ruining the day for the couple. He also caused his son to be distraught (did he try to comfort him, or just leave it up to everyone else to do that whilst he paraded around?), which is a shitty thing to do to your own child. He also upset his mother and put her in a horrible position. Nothing at all heroic or admirable in any of that.

did you enjoy the drama of it all, by any chance?

The stepson should have been invited, but showing up at the reception was not called for , and how did the ex in law get involved with the son going

This. All about him.

Weddings in public have people attending who are not on the list, that is kind of the point of a public wedding. And the brother had a right to eat toasties out front.

It was good manners of the brother to attend the public part of the wedding. Allowing for it not to be awkward when they reconcile. I am surprised so many do not know that it would have been a poor show for the brother not to attend in some way. I know you understand this as you went to your brothers wedding.

When the father tried to safegaurd his 12 yoish son and spare him the extended drama op said child’s mother and rest of family stepped in.

They then proceed to potentially traumatise the accepted child, Remember these charmers dropped his dad for refusing to be a cruel to the accepted childs family and did not relent.

It sounds as though savvy wedding goers stepped in to protect the child from the wedding party and prevented him from running away, but after the scene the father had to be there outside the reception in case he did run. Wanting to be part of his brothers day was amusing and charming but many parents reading this will know they would do the same out of concern for their child.

The most charitble about this wedding party is maybe the groom is normally a good guy and the wedidng unhinged him The least chartible is they would rather potentially wreck their own wedding than hide their hatred of a nine year old child for a few hours. Im going with the groom must be a good guy usually or the dadbro would not have supported him.

I do not believe that the groom’s brother thought that there was any kind of safeguarding issue regarding his son. He tried to stop him going as leverage to get his stepson invited.

Most people felt it was ok for the brother to sit at back but couldn’t work out why he brought his wife and her child.

DH and I checked into the hotel while the bridal party had photos taken.

We came into the lobby to see a couple of the cousins comforting the nephew. His father had apparently tried to speak to him a few seconds before but had been rebuffed.

The brother sat with his wife in the vestibule of the public bit of the hotel along with other members of the public who were just having afternoon tea. His wife was better dressed than him and seemed smily and confident when I saw two guests approached them when I nipped out to my room.

The only other time we left the wedding rooms was for the group photo. The stepson was amusing himself in the grounds.

The only person upsetting the 12 year old nephew was his own father.

Main character syndrome. The new wife hasn't done herself any favours. Most men wouldnt be bothered so I am guessing the plan was the new wife's. Her child was excluded so she has to make a point.

So. The groom’s brother has both a son and a step son. Step son wasn’t invited and so groom’s brother tried to stop his own son going as a protest at the stepson not being invited. However both boys attended and the groom’s brother’s actual son, who attended with his mother was unhappy to see his dad there with his new partner and stepson?

Have I got that right?

Sad for both children, but I guess it’s a common enough situation and it’s up to the adults to make things easier for the children and I’m not sure any of the adults have tried to do that here. If I’ve understood the situation correctly.

The groom’s brother’s ex wife did not attend just her son, the nephew of the groom.

The groom’s brother and his current wife and her child sat at back of church and turned up at the venue but did not attend the reception just stayed in the pubic part of the hotel.

Batshit behaviour. I don't get all this equality bollocks here. I have a nephew myself and like to think I have an nice aunt/nephew relationship with him. If he was to acquire a step sibling at age 12 then no I wouldn't treat them equally because I'd have a meaningful longer term relationship with my nephew and the step sibling would be someone only recently met.

But that is still a passive aggressive (bordering on simply aggressive) move. What a dickhead.

I’m still confused as how you can interpret this as “good manners”. Good manners would be either to accept the invitation in spite of your misgivings, or to decide you couldn’t accept and then stay away. There’s no “good manners” in deliberately trying to cause a scene and create gossip at someone’s wedding.

And while it’s indeed true that there was nothing to legally prevent the brother from eating toasters in the public area, it was clearly done to provoke the groom. Why else would he do it?

Just because you can do something, it doesn’t mean you should. If my best friend told me she and her husband were planning a romantic meal for two at Le Petit Fleur, there’s nothing to stop me from booking the table next to them and shouting “Yoohoo! Enjoying your dinner?” at them. I have a “right” to do that on paper. But I wouldn’t, because it would be, you know, FUCKING UNHINGED.

I agree.

Two points about this sort of forced equality:

1. if the marriage breaks up, is the extended family likely ever to see the “stepchild we must treat as if he is a relative” again?
2. A person can make a decision to treat their stepchild “as their own” - that is their choice. But it’s unreasonable to force the rest of their extended family to make that choice. And enforce it by the kind of emotional blackmail the groom’s brother has enacted in @SlothsRUs ‘s family.

So just to be clear: if you decided to get married next year you would invite your brother, his current wife and his son but you would intentionally exclude a 9/10 year old family member from the occasion?

It would depend on the family history and type of wedding. In this family it sounds like there is some history with the brothers relationship. Or they could be limiting how many children they invite.

The brother was best man. You’d ask your brother to be best man and intentionally include one son but not the other cuz “numbers”. Ok.