I should not have to 'help out' with my dad's wife in later life.

[bovrilormarmite]

My dad is in his early 80s and has just made it clear that he expects me to 'help support' his wife if he dies first. For context, she is late 70s and fit and healthy but refuses to do anything or understand anything practical - travel, drive, make appointments, understand basic finances, how things work. They live very rurally in a massive house with no public transport. We live about 5 hours away and I work full time. I tolerate her and am civil to her for the sake of my dad, but that's it, as there is a lot of history (she split up my parents' marriage when I was late 20s and caused a huge amount of pain to our family). She has 2 sons in their 50s who are perfectly capable but one lives in Dubai and 'won't be able to help as he has work commitments' and the other is only a couple of hours away but 'not as good at that stuff'. I told my dad her sons will have no choice but to help if needed as I won't be doing it. He looked shocked. I am fairly sure I am not being unreasonable but not sure how to communicate this to him, as he clearly things I am.

Say nothing more, once he's gone make it clear to her you aren't interested and block her number. People who break up marriages deserve all they get, as do those who refuse to plan for their old age and expect others to pick up the pieces.

You're not being unreasonable. You don't have to communicate that you're not being unreasonable to him, it doesn't matter what he thinks about it. You've told him you're not doing it so he can make other arrangements.

She has sons.

Just because you are a woman and live in the same country doesnt mean you owe anything here.

You are not your Dad's labour for him to outsource. It's not woman's work. The other son will just have to get good at that stuff won't he?

I'd personally just let your dad go on about it and simply not commit to anything. He'll be gone when it's an issue and you just say no.

He won't know any different.

Him looking shocked just shows he doesn't know or care how much damage he caused when cheating on his previous wife, and that he thinks it's a woman's job to take care of older people.

You told him what will not be happening, so no need to give it a moment more thought.

It's amazing how many men "aren't good at that sort of stuff" so it has to fall on the nearest woman isn't it 🤔

Is there a need to have the argument? You could just make non committal noises, reiterate she has 2 sons and change the subject. Is it worth upsetting him? Once he is gone you can make your feelings plain if she tries to rope you in.

not sure how to communicate this to him

I don’t think you’re going to be able to. You’ve told him the situation, told him her sons will have to be involved, I wouldn’t bring it up again. If he brings it up, just repeat calmly that as you’ve said, you won’t be able to be involved. Possibly ask why her son’s work commitments are considered more important than yours, but tbh I doubt that will lead to him having a huge change of heart so probably not worth the argument.

Nod along, don't upset your dad, for many many reasons

And when the time comes tell her sons they need to step up to help their mother

Step back then, don't let this spoil your relationship with your dad

I don’t think you need to push communicating to him that you won’t be helping out. You’ve already told him once that you won’t be helping and if he didn’t accept it then then that’s their problem. Don’t spoil the time you have left with him arguing about something that isn’t your responsibility.

I'd be suggesting to him that they move somewhere smaller, less rural and near public transport while is he able to manage all that.

I wouldn't waste too much effort trying to communicate this to him. As above, I'd avoid the topic entirely. You owe her nothing.

Absolutely no one is obliged to look after elderly people that are in their lives. That includes her sons. You say no. And they can very reasonably say no.

This and point puts the sons' responsibility not your and it won't be happening.

Just tell your dad to leave enough £ to her so she can hire a live in helper. When it is required. If it is required.
Laugh and tell him you dont plan to provide domestic and personal care for anyone either for free or paid.

I’d tell my dad yes so he doesn’t leave you out of the inheritance.

Once he’s dead, you don’t need to worry about it.

You will have your own mother to look after, if she is still alive. I feel you don’t owe her anything, especially as she has two sons.

Maybe I shouldn’t think on these lines but let’s face it unless he has named you in his will, everything will go to his wife and then to her sons

She's got her own sons.

"No."
"He's not good at that type of thing."
"I guess his wife will have to be."

this, she has sons anyway. Its their responsibility, especially given the circumstances...

That may be what he wants but he has no right to rationally expect it and you don't need to feel bad about it if you choose not to. I don't see why it needs to become dramatic or acrimonious.

I would have spoken to my dad in this situation to say that I can see this is quite worrying for him given how she is, but what he is expecting won't be possible. He as her husband needs to do his best to ensure as many matters are taken care of as possible ahead of time and she and he need to look to her natural family (her sons) in the event of his death. There is a great deal of planning he can put into place now that removes the burden for her should he die - financial planning, funeral planning, moving to a more suitable property and so on. I'd be reminding him of that and his own responsibilities and checking if he needed anything from me in that respect (eg: sourcing the relevant assistance) but that is all.

Whilst I agree her situation isn't ideal, it will be incredibly difficult for someone at her age to navigate partner loss when she has no involvement or independence in her day to day dealings - this is ultimately a dynamic that was created and accepted by her and your dad both, she won't be the only woman in that age bracket in a very similar boat. I don't think there's any point picking at it in particular or feeling responsible for it yourself.

if she does not want to lie to him she can, to keep his peace, say "I will of course do what needs to be done dad, dont worry" then that "needs to be done" when he is dead, is pass her onto her sons lol

Actions from all those years ago , have consequences, so I’d keep quiet. Let her sons help out.
your father just thinks it’s your responsibility, it’s not.

If op is worried about inheritance this is what she should do, but I am already guessing that he will leave everything to the wife, who then in theory should pass the house to all 3 children but in reality it will likely be left to the step brothers.

Or in reverse in the OP's dad's case

Don't worry too much about communicating this to him. Be vague and when the time comes do nothing

I don't think the issue is with the OW's sons, but the OW herself. She should know you are not responsible for looking after her and she should make her own plans and provisions, which could be discussing it with her sons or thinking ahead for carers and/or moving to a more suitable location. Breaking up someone else's family then expecting care from the children from the previous relationship - sounds like her own son's don't like her either and she has made her own bed now she needs to work out how to sleep in it.