I should not have to 'help out' with my dad's wife in later life.

[bovrilormarmite]

My dad is in his early 80s and has just made it clear that he expects me to 'help support' his wife if he dies first. For context, she is late 70s and fit and healthy but refuses to do anything or understand anything practical - travel, drive, make appointments, understand basic finances, how things work. They live very rurally in a massive house with no public transport. We live about 5 hours away and I work full time. I tolerate her and am civil to her for the sake of my dad, but that's it, as there is a lot of history (she split up my parents' marriage when I was late 20s and caused a huge amount of pain to our family). She has 2 sons in their 50s who are perfectly capable but one lives in Dubai and 'won't be able to help as he has work commitments' and the other is only a couple of hours away but 'not as good at that stuff'. I told my dad her sons will have no choice but to help if needed as I won't be doing it. He looked shocked. I am fairly sure I am not being unreasonable but not sure how to communicate this to him, as he clearly things I am.

People’s marriages break up all the time. People marry the wrong person, fall out of love, fall in love, life is messy. You don’t need to draw on anyone’s past to justify not taking responsibility for her. She isn’t family, she has offspring who should shoulder that responsibility. 🤷

Irrespective of what happened decades ago, you live miles away, work and have commitments of your own so its completelyimpractical. Also, you don't have a close relationship with your dad's wife and she has 2 sons.

I really can't see how any responsibility falls to you.

If I were you I'd make all the right noises to your dad then make it clear you have no intention of stepping up once he's gone because she has 2 children of her own.

I am not concerned about inheritance. He has left an amount in trust to the grandkids. She can have the house and whatever is left, I’m really not bothered. They’ve been together a long time and I don’t resent him making sure she is provided for financially.

There would be no way that I would ever have helped look after my step-mother after my dad's death and she didn't break up my parents' marriage. To be fair, my dad would never have asked me to as he knew that she was awful to me and she had two daughters to help her after my dad died.

OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable. Why on earth would your dad think that it was reasonable to expect you to care for her, considering that she was partly responsible for the break up of your parents' marriage and she also has adult children of her own?

just nod along, if he’s dead he won’t know what you’re doing! If she’s that helpless she can move into a residential home

It really doesn't matter if your dad thinks you are being unreasonable or not. He is being unreasonable to expect you to provide any support or help to a woman who broke up your extended family and caused pain.

Just be really clear, no I will not be helping her an any way.

Why would her son's wife need to learn? Outsourcing it to a different woman is no better than what OP's dad is trying to do .

Your last line would be better phrased as "I am sure he will learn".

Yes, this.

I'd be annoyed with him. It's so typical. YANBU.

"I have tried this and got shouted down as they love their house. But then she will expect people to offer her lifts as she doesn’t drive.2

I would not even bother offering suggestions. Just be super clear no i won't be offering lifts. They can move or not move. Presumably there are taxi companies they can use. But again not your problem.

It brings up the obvious "it's not my (or her) job" point.

I.e. what a ridiculous suggestion.

Actually I don't (I usually do say be honest) If it was me I would just change the subject, decline to discuss it, be vague and so on. For me it wouldn't be worth the constant discussion although why someone stay in touch with a father who cheated is beyond me. I also don't think its a reasonable thing to agree to in any circumstance because no one knows what the future will bring and it may just not be possible. So kindly my answer might be "I can't agree to that, who knows what the future will be like?" less kindly it would be silence or a subject change.

She's nothing to do with you.

Your DF has got a cheek. If his wife chooses to infantile herself that's up to her, you are not stepping up. I wouldn't say anything again and just let them get on with it.

Of course I wouldn't look after her.
I find it interesting you put the blame completely on the ow when you're dad is the one who cheated and broke up his family

You’ve already communicated it. Say no more and then just don’t help. The sons will have to step up and manage.

You've already communicated it to him.

Being ruthless, he could easily change his will at any time to write out your DC too, it sounds like he’s already leaving you little or nothing, prioritising his wife, who will pass it to her sons.

You could be noncommittal & hope she doesn’t become unwell / in need of care he can’t provide.

You say you’re not too concerned about money, in which case you could be calm and upfront about what you are / are not willing to do for each of them. And that there is a difference in what you’ll do for him vs her.

I think for me, aside from any family history, it would be the fact that she lives 5 hours away! I would focus on that. You clearly won't be able to help her with lifts or practical stuff even if you wanted to, if she lives 5 hours away!

I think you're doing the right thing making this clear to your dad now - then they both have the chance to plan ahead. If they don't, that's on them.

I absolutely blame him too. But I only have one dad and I eventually decided I wanted to have a relationship with him. It took a very long time to get there though. I sometimes think he’s forgotten about the history.

The sons don't have to do a thing, it's the woman's responsibility to sort her life.

OP it's fine for the woman to expect lifts, she can expect anything she can imagine. It's her problem.

Either nod along with it now and sort it out with his wife after he's dead or tell him that you're planning on moving to Australia once he dies.

This is perfect.

there is NO WAY any of them would consider this. In fact it’s laughable.

which means it’s pure misogyny that they expect you to do it over her own children.

not a chance would I do a single thing for a person who was one half of breaking up my parents marriage, has two fully capable adult sons herself, and is a misogynist.

how dare he even suggest that it’s your responsibility.

the other is only a couple of hours away but 'not as good at that stuff'

"I'm not good at that stuff either."

You're no relation to her, she didn't raise you, you owe her nothing.

I’d personally make it absolutely clear in one conversation that it will not be happening and if it’s something they are concerned about to make a provision for, and if it comes up again just repeat “I’ve already told you my position on this.”

He hasn’t forgotten, he’s thinking about what’s best for him & her, so this is a continuation of his selfish behaviour.

They have options. Even if you and their other DC are all upfront about what you will / won’t do, they may well perceive and spin what you say / do their way.

Are her sons expected to help care for your dad if she dies first?