I should not have to 'help out' with my dad's wife in later life.

[bovrilormarmite]

My dad is in his early 80s and has just made it clear that he expects me to 'help support' his wife if he dies first. For context, she is late 70s and fit and healthy but refuses to do anything or understand anything practical - travel, drive, make appointments, understand basic finances, how things work. They live very rurally in a massive house with no public transport. We live about 5 hours away and I work full time. I tolerate her and am civil to her for the sake of my dad, but that's it, as there is a lot of history (she split up my parents' marriage when I was late 20s and caused a huge amount of pain to our family). She has 2 sons in their 50s who are perfectly capable but one lives in Dubai and 'won't be able to help as he has work commitments' and the other is only a couple of hours away but 'not as good at that stuff'. I told my dad her sons will have no choice but to help if needed as I won't be doing it. He looked shocked. I am fairly sure I am not being unreasonable but not sure how to communicate this to him, as he clearly things I am.

I wouldn't expect you to help out with your dad's wife.

FWIW, I'm a second wife, but not the OW.

My husband's first wife has had 4 partners including my husband. Their adult kids and adult grandchild live at the other end of the country.

I helped out by taking DH's ex to a hospital appointment and we were sympathetic when her 3rd partner died but I made it very clear to my husband that I would not be his ex's carer. Bizarre though this may sound, I think that his children had the expectation that I would do that.

I cared for my parents and my husband and the ex had made a comment to a mutual friend, suggesting that she expected support. I don't think I could have seen her completely stuck, but I expected her children to step up. (In actual fact, they seemed to leave everything to the ex's various partners and their families.)

You have no obligation to your dad's wife, @bovrilormarmite .

What baffles me is a useless woman's admin often falls to another useless woman!

I agree. It is better to have a discussion beforehand.

I was rather surprised when - after my husband died - his daughter claimed that he'd asked her to look after me and that they (her sibling and her adult child) expected to organise my funeral for me.

DH was disabled for some years and it was made very clear that my husband's care was solely my responsibility, to the extent that DH was excluded from a family event that would have required some accommodation for his disabilities. (DH understood, but was hurt that it was never discussed.)

After that, DH never expected to be included again and told me that he didn't think that the kids would make the trip to attend his funeral...which is why I know that he had zero expectation that his daughter would 'look after' me. I wouldn't have expected it of her either and my husband knew that.

Your dad thinks because you're a woman it's up to you to take care of his extremely dependent wife after he dies. You've told him that won't be happening. If he wants care for her, he can sell up and move into assisted living now. She won't be able to function on her own especially with her extreme learned helplessness that he's enabled. If he pushes it again, just tell him his wife is his problem and certainly not yours.

Your dad's being a jerk.

wherher she has sons or anyone else to rely is of no concern to you. Nor is her care.
Just nod along with your Dad and if the inevitable happens, let her get on with it.
Shes not your responsibility regardless of the history

She’s not your problem. They need to live somewhere more practical and sensible. Don’t get sucked in

She has two sons and somehow you're responsible for looking after that homewrecker? Keep your boundaries, OP

And presumably, she'd inherit your dad's money which her sons would then inherit? Although I'd pretend I was going to if I thought any money was coming my way but I'm unashamedly grabby!

So she split up your parents marriage....nothing to do wirh your dad!! As usual the woman gets the blame. Your father betrayed your mother but you are OK with that !

I would have made non-committal noises but with no intention of doing this if my Dad died first.

Just ignore him, this isn't worth worrying about. Yes he is older but he's not on deaths door by the sounds of it, anything could happen. She could die first, or OP could, or the world could end and we all die. Your dad could pass away and she could discover a new lease on life and leave to travel around the world. Her son could move next door. Don't worry about it.

She can go piss up a rope.

This is for her own children to sort.

Just say something noncommittal like, you'll last forever, or we don't need to think about that for a long time. You really don't know what the situation may be if your dad dies first or how far in the future that might be. Or if pushed, of course I'll do whatever I can, meaning not a lot. Don't fall out with your dad over it, that would be a great pity, but in the end you won't have to do anything you don't want to.

You live 5 hours away and she might need a lift? How's that supposed to work!

If she dies first, would he expect her sons to help him out?

YANBU - she has decided not to equip herself to cope with life and she's going to have to make adjustments like living nearer one or her sons and managing certain things herself. You are not beholden to help her just because you are a woman and she has her own kids whose job it should be to help her manage her shortcomings in life management ability.

*notes to self

Thanks to you and your SIL for this!

Love this! Great strategy

To be fair, it's the dad who broke up his marriage.

OP, don't stress at all.
My friend was in a very similar situation 10 years ago.
Father left the family and married affair partner when she was in her 20's.

When he got sick he said it was very important to him that she took care of her etc.
They had never been close, polite and civil only.

She nodded away and agreed to nothing.
There was no inheritance and she promptly deleted her number post funeral.

She hadn't a notion of taking on any responsibilities for a women she couldn't care less about.

She was a devoted daughter to her won mother.

Finalise his estate and delete her number.
Until that time arrives, nod along.

Your father isca selfish arse to think you owe him or her anything.

Nope, that would be down to OP too.
WearyAuldWumman; She's probably got her eyes on your money.

Take it her sons will end up with their housemfo your dad goes first ?

You wouldn’t be able to speak to anyone or manage anything medically or financially on her behalf because you wouldn’t be her next of kin. Her sons are so they will have to do it.

Even if you did help her with her finances, you risk her sons accusing you of taking money and having to explain what you helped her pay for every single transaction. I wouldn’t be putting myself at risk of that.

OP has said a number of times that she's not OK with that. She was estranged from him for a number of years.

If you are 5 hours away and donf like her then no and actually i wouldnt even talk to your dad about it as bless him he wont be here, if he mentions it just say she has a son, its always the bloody women expected to do the dirty work..
Shes nothinv to you and you are not related