I should not have to 'help out' with my dad's wife in later life.

[bovrilormarmite]

My dad is in his early 80s and has just made it clear that he expects me to 'help support' his wife if he dies first. For context, she is late 70s and fit and healthy but refuses to do anything or understand anything practical - travel, drive, make appointments, understand basic finances, how things work. They live very rurally in a massive house with no public transport. We live about 5 hours away and I work full time. I tolerate her and am civil to her for the sake of my dad, but that's it, as there is a lot of history (she split up my parents' marriage when I was late 20s and caused a huge amount of pain to our family). She has 2 sons in their 50s who are perfectly capable but one lives in Dubai and 'won't be able to help as he has work commitments' and the other is only a couple of hours away but 'not as good at that stuff'. I told my dad her sons will have no choice but to help if needed as I won't be doing it. He looked shocked. I am fairly sure I am not being unreasonable but not sure how to communicate this to him, as he clearly things I am.

The OP has already told her Dad she won't be helping, and he was really shocked- so she needs to tell him why- it isn't a discussion it's a statement so there shouldn't be an argument. If the OP just refuses after her Dad dies, he might have told his wife she could expect support, and that will cause trouble.
Loved ones can quite unreasonably expect you to support people they care about, even if they know you don't really like them- it's best to be clear.

Yanbu to refuse to help with step mother.

Only [possibly] unreasonable part of your post was blaming her for your parents’ divorce and not your dad who cheated on your mum in the first place. I thought we were past blaming the other woman for being home breakers when it is the men who are cheating. I could be wrong, step mother could have cast a spell on him the poor innocent lamb.

I am sure that your own mother had to find a way to cope and learn new skills, at what you describe as a painful time when she was dumped by your father. You don't owe his wife anything and I can't understand how he has the cheek to suggest you do and act 'shocked' when you refuse.

Think I’d promise to do what he wants in return for £££ in the will, and have zero intention of ever helping her out. The sheer gall of both of them would mean I felt no guilt whatsoever.

I think there might be a more caring way of having this conversation.

Most older couples - I am married to someone who is in their seventies - will talk about how they plan to deal with increasing age, what the surviving partner will do when the other one dies etc. Or even if not much is said, both partners will - or should - be thinking about this. (As your father is doing, though not in a realistic way.'

It would be unusual for someone who didn't drive and wasn't very practical to want to live alone in a large house in a rural area. Though of course somebody who's been left very well off can buy in help, take taxis etc.

So it's hard to know whether your father wants to be sure his widow would be alright.

Obviously if you're only on civil terms with his wife, you don't really know what she's thinking. But in your shoes I might be trying to have a three way conversation, 'How would you manage this big place if one of you were left on your own.'

At which point she might say, 'Oh I think I'd go and join X in Dubai.' Or lovely as it is out here, I'd be tempted to get a flat in London, so I don't have to look after a big house where I can just get the Tube everywhere and go to all the museums.'

Which allows you to say, 'Terrific plan about London Easy for Dubai-son to hop and a plane and for other son to get the train see you. Because of course with my busy job, I'll be no use whatsoever But it'd be nice to meet up for coffee in the Tate once in a while.'

I would just tell your dad that she has her family for any needs. Fingers crossed she goes first. If he doesn't drop it, I would tell him something along the lines of "dad, I love you very much. I accept the situation for what it is because you are my dad and I love you and I want us to have a relationship but what you put me through when you broke up the family is still hurting me at times. I am truly happy that you found love with X and have a good life but when you are gone I will have no part in X's life any more than she will in mine. You can accept that or not but please don't bring it up to me again because it opens wounds that never fully healed and you are hurting me more than you know"
Hopefully, he will drop the subject and back off. If not maybe you have to back off. I'm guessing this is bringing up a lot of pain and anger for you.

At the end of the day, she has her own children who can provide her with help. She’s not really your problem.

Putting aside any feelings - what does he actually expect you to do from 5 hours away?
There are obviously some things - e.g. setting up an online shop (but equally, either of her sons could do that).
Running about to appointments etc. you can't be expected to make a 10 hour round trip (possibly leaving in the small ours of the morning) to take Doris to her GP appointment.

Rather than suggest what they can do (downsizing etc.) next time DF brings it up, perhaps tell him that you aren't going to cut contact with her, but ask him.what exactly he is expecting you to support her with, and what he thinks the practicalities will look like.

I do blame him. I don’t think I’ve said anywhere that I don’t hold him at least equally responsible in fact more so tbh. ETA.. ok I wrote ‘she split up’ my parents’ marriage which was badly written.

If I had a sister it would be you.

my dad is late 80s and remarried a woman in her 60s. She’s not much older than me.

I nod and say non committal stuff because she hasn’t asked me outright and he has dementia, but I have absolutely no intention of doing a thing for her once that time comes.

the day he’s buried will be the last time I ever see her.

My SIL navigated this situation by saying I don’t want to talk about you not being here, it’s so upsetting. She would even look ‘teary’. Worked out for her. She never lied to her father nor did she commit.

Funny that the expectation of this falls on a woman, despite the fact she has sons of her own.

YANBU in the slightest.

There is no need to fall out with your DF about this. You've told him once that you won't be responsible for SM's care. You don't need to labour the point. Unless DF has inside information, the time may never arise, anyway. SM may die first.

That is genius. I’m going to do this. Thank your SIL for me.

This is great. Well done that woman.

He might cut you out of the will if he thinks you won't do as he asks. I would smile and nod and then do as I pleased once he was gone. Dishonest? Yes. But he is being unreasonable.

No you are not being unreasonable.
It is the responsibility of her own children, not you.

It truly is. How they manage to occupy most of the important and well-paid jobs in society despite being unable to undertake basic household tasks is a mystery.

I'd just keep repeating, "Oh she'll be fine, she's a real survivor. Her sons will help her."

I do think they ought to move house now to somewhere that means she doesn't have to rely on others for transport etc. That's your dad's and his wife's responsibility, though.

You’re under no obligation to care for any elderly person, including your own relations. So a firm no about this is fine.

But do watch out for a slowly escalating situation. It isn’t often as simple as one person suddenly dies, leaving their widow who then needs support which it’s your decision not to provide. They could both get ill at the same time. Often elderly couples prop each other up for quite a time. Eg one with dementia, one with various physical ailments. Think through various scenarios. What if he can no longer drive but has medical appointments to get to? What if they’re both deteriorating and can no longer manage the upkeep of the house. It isn’t up to you to provide the lifts or the maintenance for your father but it might help you to think through what you’d want to do in these sort of situations
and what help (if any) you’d be prepared to provide. He has a fall and ends up in hospital for weeks? She has a fall and ends up in hospital for weeks (who is doing all the cooking and cleaning at the moment?)

Also, check what provision you have at work for dealing with emergencies with elderly parents. My “D”M is convinced, despite numerous conversations, that I have infinite quantities of fully paid compassionate leave available to run around after her if she has a fall or ends up in hospital. It’s actually one day of unpaid leave!

Nope, the focus of the ire remains on the OW. On another thread right now a married dad in his 30s has cheated with a mentally unwell 21 year old who's junior to him at work (and also doesn't seem to be very bright) and posters have been spitting bile and arguing for days about how very very important it is to blame her. And denying that they're diluting his responsibility. Even when they claim he's "equally" to blame, thus asserting that marriage and parenthood mean nothing because they don't make you any more responsible, or even significantly more responsible, than a total stranger. It was ever thus.

But it's certainly true that OP doesn't owe her father's wife any caring or responsibility duties.

This. Easier to just go along with it all for the peace.

I told my dad her sons will have no choice but to help if needed as I won't be doing it

I think you are very wise to state your position so clearly.
The fact your Dad looked shocked means he got the message so in future cannot pretend otherwise and if he brings it up again you'll be able to say, "we spoke about this before Dad" and repeat the same thing

Absolutely not, just make it very clear. How dare he expect you to do this. She has son's and they can step up. I agree with the poster that's said, after his funeral block her.

Presumably, she'll inherit the house on his death and then she'll split it between her sons. Just be away from this.

I get it @bovrilormarmite

My FIL is in his 80s and in a relationship with a woman in her early 70s. She is very good to him and vice versa.

In al likelihood, my FIL will die first. It will be very sad for all involved, including his partner. We will keep in touch but she has her own DS and GC. She will be provided for financially but myself and my DH will not provide any form of care.

She is not my MIL. My MIL passed away 15 years ago.