I should not have to 'help out' with my dad's wife in later life.

[bovrilormarmite]

My dad is in his early 80s and has just made it clear that he expects me to 'help support' his wife if he dies first. For context, she is late 70s and fit and healthy but refuses to do anything or understand anything practical - travel, drive, make appointments, understand basic finances, how things work. They live very rurally in a massive house with no public transport. We live about 5 hours away and I work full time. I tolerate her and am civil to her for the sake of my dad, but that's it, as there is a lot of history (she split up my parents' marriage when I was late 20s and caused a huge amount of pain to our family). She has 2 sons in their 50s who are perfectly capable but one lives in Dubai and 'won't be able to help as he has work commitments' and the other is only a couple of hours away but 'not as good at that stuff'. I told my dad her sons will have no choice but to help if needed as I won't be doing it. He looked shocked. I am fairly sure I am not being unreasonable but not sure how to communicate this to him, as he clearly things I am.

I know right! And wtf does that even mean?? "I'm not good at talking to my mother or helping her with the internet".. what specifically isn't he "good" at??

Pathetic excuse. So weird the dad thinks his daughter will continue any type of contact with the other woman she isn't related to or ever wanted anything to do with.

Sounds like you have nothing to lose by being straight with your dad, OP.

Make it clear you won't be available as she's not your responsibility. It's not your problem if her sons can't be bothered helping her. It may sound harsh, but I speak from experience as we had this problem with my FIL's widow. She wasn't very nice to my husband or his sister when their dad was alive and after he died she would ring and ask for help even though she had 3 adult children and 4 adult grandchildren nearby. We always said we were busy and to ask one of her own family.

Agree with this!

Yes. The problem OP is that the very type of individual who arrives on the scene in a way that suits their purposes but disrupts the lives and happiness of others are the same types that will do this at the other end of their "time upon the stage.".

You already know she is the type who looks out for Number One regardless and takes what she wants, so you need to be prepared to defend yourself from that.

I've just seen the update where OP said she's not worried about the inheritance. I am not sure how the trust works, provided he can't pull it out from under her children to punish her, I'd just laugh at the old windbag if he brings it up again.

It's funny how chickens come home to roost, even decades later.

You're being reasonable, but I suspect your father was also shocked by your tone and your bluntness.

I don't think he was shocked in the slightest. Unless he's genuinely got dementia or is incapable of coherent thought for some reason.

I think he just tried to play that card as a weapon to try to coerce her into compliance.

Acting shocked at a normal response is a weapon of coerceive control. It's a form of gaslighting, an attempt to re-write reality and social norms and make himself and the woman he married out to be victims.

You may be right. We can't know what he was thinking, but the OP said he looked shocked.

Possibly he just jumped to the common conclusion that taking care of aging family members is always a woman's job.

I think the shock was at her daring to say no to him, as he then laughed nervously and changed the subject, if he'd actually thought what she was saying was shocking surely he'd have remonstrated?

But yes, he might just be a sexist twit as well as an over entitled adulterer.

She did not split up your parents marriage. Only one or both of the people in a marriage can split up a marriage. Your dad split up the marriage and caused the pain. Of course you do not need to look out for this woman if/ when she is widowed but stop scape goating her for your and your family's hurt over your dad's choices and behavior. it's also not her fault now that your dad takes you for granted and assumed you would do his bidding, he is the one asking and pushing his wishes on you and voicing expectations. Poor move by your dad

Disagree that she is faultless. Takes two hands to clap.

Sorry OP. Your dad is being so unreasonable. I would ask him if he's planning on leaving you anything in his will, otherwise it is it all going to his wife and her sons? A reasonable question under the circumstances. Surely he can't expect anything from you if you're not even going to benefit financially from it. Even so, you're under no obligation to help out your step mum. Especially so as she broke up your parents' marriage:(

Read all the OP posts before commenting. This is always a useful rule to go by.

I have no time or respect for women like this who knowingly get involved with married men and break up families. They are solely out for themselves and choose not to care about the devastation they are complicit in causing.

I have a caring role (for a disabled adult child) and like every carer knows, it is gruelling. What makes it bearable is that I love my DC enough to want to do everything for him. Only people who have never done any caring - who have only ever pleased themselves - would think that asking someone to take on the caring of someone they don't even like is a reasonable ask.

Wow your dad is pretty misogynistic throwing you under the care bus when she has sons!

I don't think men do care about cheating, that's why they do it do often! They certainly wouldn't be ruminating on it years later.

The inheritance, if there is any, will go to his wife who in turn might need a care home.

There will be inheritance in a trust for my kids and nieces. This was established a while back as my sister is no longer with us. My dad adores his grandkids. The rest including house will go to his wife. My dad discussed this with me and I’m completely happy with the arrangement.

Gideon Bennett, just say 'Sure Dad'.

This.

I would ask what the size of your inheritance will be and whether or not you get all of his assets which you are free to liquidate at the time of his death. Then you can give her a monthly allowance to go toward her to live in a retirement village that has the care available that she will need - that her son's primarily fund.

Then you can give her a monthly allowance
Fuck that.

I have already explained the inheritance situation. It’s fine with me.

Yanbu.

Why would your dad think you would take care of the woman who he cheated and left your mother for? They are both to blame of course but....Karma!!