I should not have to 'help out' with my dad's wife in later life.

[bovrilormarmite]

My dad is in his early 80s and has just made it clear that he expects me to 'help support' his wife if he dies first. For context, she is late 70s and fit and healthy but refuses to do anything or understand anything practical - travel, drive, make appointments, understand basic finances, how things work. They live very rurally in a massive house with no public transport. We live about 5 hours away and I work full time. I tolerate her and am civil to her for the sake of my dad, but that's it, as there is a lot of history (she split up my parents' marriage when I was late 20s and caused a huge amount of pain to our family). She has 2 sons in their 50s who are perfectly capable but one lives in Dubai and 'won't be able to help as he has work commitments' and the other is only a couple of hours away but 'not as good at that stuff'. I told my dad her sons will have no choice but to help if needed as I won't be doing it. He looked shocked. I am fairly sure I am not being unreasonable but not sure how to communicate this to him, as he clearly things I am.

You've made your point and I'd leave it alone now. He's heard you, so there's no need to hammer the point home.

Yes I think I’ll just leave it now. Thanks everyone for your comments.

I couldn't do that, however strongly I felt. The dad would tell his wife she'd be fine, she'd be reassured, and then if he died first would suddenly be told tough titty, you're on your own.

Better to be clear now and let them make plans accordingly. If their 'plan' is to assume that OP will do it anyway, that's on them.

Well, no, OP has explained her kids are inheriting too as part of a trust. So why do you think it should all go to his wife?

Late to this thread but my advice would be leave it for now as you've been asked and clearly said no. It's obviously playing on his mind what might happen in the future and he is taking the stereotypical approach of many elderly people of a) bury head in sand and kick issues down the road to children to deal with and b) "women do care stuff", and has fixed on you as the solution. It may also be that the son who lives closest has little to do with them.

If the issue is raised again repeat no, because you live too far away and work full time and your dad's wife has actual family that need to step up and be involved with important decisions like care/accommodation etc. I'd turn the question back on your dad, as gently as you can, with asking him to think about arranging practicalities now that will actually help his wife if something happens to him, or simply that he can no longer drive. Like sorting out POA (for you and him, and for her and her sons), thinking about moving somewhere sensible now (although that could be a double-edged sword if they move close to you) and making plans about having transport/support workers/gardeners etc as needed.