I should not have to 'help out' with my dad's wife in later life.

[bovrilormarmite]

My dad is in his early 80s and has just made it clear that he expects me to 'help support' his wife if he dies first. For context, she is late 70s and fit and healthy but refuses to do anything or understand anything practical - travel, drive, make appointments, understand basic finances, how things work. They live very rurally in a massive house with no public transport. We live about 5 hours away and I work full time. I tolerate her and am civil to her for the sake of my dad, but that's it, as there is a lot of history (she split up my parents' marriage when I was late 20s and caused a huge amount of pain to our family). She has 2 sons in their 50s who are perfectly capable but one lives in Dubai and 'won't be able to help as he has work commitments' and the other is only a couple of hours away but 'not as good at that stuff'. I told my dad her sons will have no choice but to help if needed as I won't be doing it. He looked shocked. I am fairly sure I am not being unreasonable but not sure how to communicate this to him, as he clearly things I am.

Just stating the obvious, but your dad is as complicit in breaking up the family.

I wouldn't worry about tryibg to explain things any further than you have already done. In my family, we have a "married in" that no one likes. Her husband, my blood relative, has asked us to look after her in the event that he dies 1st. I've said that I would help her identify sources of support, like a moving company, etc. It's cold, but she just doesn't participate in the life of our family so I'm not going to suddenly act like she's a part of something after his death.

Definitely don’t help out!

A male cousin of mine who lives in Kosovo but lived in London has an elderly mother who moved from France to England (she’s English) but he regularly visits her. Her other son (his brother) lives in England but doesn’t help out as much but does help. My stepdad who lives in London most of his life travelled to see his elderly mum in Ireland, paid for her to have central heating, but she had 3 other sons one of whom lived with her as he had a mental illness and all of them helped out with her too.

Are you an executor of your father's Will?

He can expect what he wants til the cows come home. Doesn't mean anything. If they refuse to move somewhere more suitable now then she will have to do it when she realises there is nobody there to drive her around.

Yes, I really don't understand why it's necessary to have this argument. Unless the OP's father is trying to get the OP to agree to a really specific set of commitments, the OP can dismiss the whole discussion with, "Well hopefully you've got plenty of years left yet" and then leave it up to the sons to help their mother if the OP's dad dies first. The OP doesn't suggest that her dad is at death's door, so it may be that the wife will die first and the whole issue of what help the OP should have provided to her widowed stepmother will remain forever hypothetical.

My step grandmother who married my grandad (no affair) we would’ve looked after her only she had 2 daughters and then got Alzheimer’s so had to go into a nursing home. But my mum would’ve looked after her if it had come to that. She treated us grandkids as her own. Not different from the others.

You’re not being unreasonable. But she didn’t break up your parent’s marriage single-handedly, your father played a role in the hurt caused to your family.

Surely all you have to say now is “I’ll do whatever I can to help”, and if/when the time comes and you are asked, “I can’t do that.”

Any mention now of what help might be needed from you in the future, “let’s not try to cross bridges before we get to them.”

Yes. Me and a family friend.

You've communicated that you won't be doing it. You can't make him share your opinion on whether you're unreasonable, so don't try. If he challenges you on it, say "I'm not related to her, she broke up my family, I live hours away and she has her own kids. I won't be doing anything for her". What he thinks is up to him.

He's over 80 and he believes it's up to women to tend to the needs and wishes of men. Even when he's dead, he thinks it's your role to do what he wants. He won't change now.

Well the dad clearly wasn’t worried about upsetting the op when he was messing around with his fancy woman was he.
Or is the op expected to ‘be kind’ because she is a woman?

Just ignore him and when he’s gone never see her again. That’s what I did with my stepmother, don’t know if she’s alive or dead now.

Yes, exactly this!

I mean, he proved to you decades ago that he didn't care about you or his family, so I am unsurprised this character trait has continued. I'm quite sure he's neither shocked nor surprised, just trying to bully you into thinking you're being unreasonable.

She'd best find herself a paid carer then.

But let him think you've changed your mind so you get your due share of your inheritance. Then when he's dead and it's all sorted out, you can tell her to get stuffed. We reap what we sow.

I wouldn't discuss the subject again. You've told him you won't be helping her out and why should you? She's not your responsibility, she's a long way away and you have your own family.

If he raises it again I'd listen in silence and then just change the subject. I might say calmly, 'She has children of her own, Dad'. Don't explain, don't apologise. You owe him nothing and you certainly don't owe her anything.

I would thankfully drop all contact once your Dad is dead.

So no problem then and no need to make anything clear to him. Just nod and smile. When he's dead you can do as you choose and he'll never know.

Edited to add: no need to make your dislike clear to her, there's a good chance she'll save you a world of time and trouble by caring for your dad as he ages.

When he's dead (if he goes first), you can block her number and forget she exists. In the short term I'd be more worried about the pretty likely scenario that will come along sooner or later: they're both still alive, one of them gets more frail and needs care, the other one can't cope and obviously you're the one who's supposed to make ten hour round trips to help out. You're going to need firm boundaries.

Just nod along and when the time comes, send her the number of a local taxi company to clear your conscience and walk away.

No one is obliged to care for anyone in old age.

This is the far more likely scenario

You need to explain to him exactly why you won't be helping- she has sons of her own these tasks, if she unreasonably refuses to do them herself can only fall to them. Point out she refuses to help herself , that you have no fondness for her because she split up your family and you see no reason why you should take any time out of your busy schedule , also she has sons of her own-why can't they do it?

I wonder why he is shocked?! She isn’t your mother and already has two perfectly capable adult children! They’ll have to arrange support if they’re unable to. If she died before your dad, would her sons be expected to take care of your dad?! Answer is probably not!

@Laurmolonlabe why does she? It'll just cause an argument. OP can just do as she pleases when the time comes.

Women (or men) do not break up men's (or women's) marriages - the married person who breaks vows of fidelity breaks up the marriage. It never ceases to amaze me how the OW is blamed for a married man's infidelity - he is the one who made promises.

All that said, the step mother is certainly a reminder of the OP's father's infidelity and she has no obvious relationship with the SM. No earthly reason why she should take responsibility for a SP who has declined to learn the basics of bill management, transportation of finding local handymen and who has two living sons to help. Many widows and widowers find themselves having to learn or outsource the jobs their spouse took on - its not a rare situation.

I think you should let your resentment of her go - she didn't owe you anything. If you have to be angry with someone over the fact your parents broke up, it should be your dad.

However, obviously you don't have to look after her if you don't want to. You have told him you won't, and if that effects your inheritance sobeit - you have said you aren't bothered about that.

So just l leave it now - no need for further discussion.

Like fuck would i put myself out for someone who broke my mums heart!

You are the nearest woman, and therefore he assumes that you will provide all care and support. It’s as simple as that.

My own dad is barely speaking to me these days because I have refused to provide care for a sibling (who absolutely does not need it btw). He hasn’t even asked our older brothers to help!

In the interests of clarity, it might help to send him a message - just say you want him to be clear that you will not be caring for or supporting his wife at all in future, so they need to make their plans accordingly. He will ignore you but then you can just keep referring him back to your message.