I should not have to 'help out' with my dad's wife in later life.

[bovrilormarmite]

My dad is in his early 80s and has just made it clear that he expects me to 'help support' his wife if he dies first. For context, she is late 70s and fit and healthy but refuses to do anything or understand anything practical - travel, drive, make appointments, understand basic finances, how things work. They live very rurally in a massive house with no public transport. We live about 5 hours away and I work full time. I tolerate her and am civil to her for the sake of my dad, but that's it, as there is a lot of history (she split up my parents' marriage when I was late 20s and caused a huge amount of pain to our family). She has 2 sons in their 50s who are perfectly capable but one lives in Dubai and 'won't be able to help as he has work commitments' and the other is only a couple of hours away but 'not as good at that stuff'. I told my dad her sons will have no choice but to help if needed as I won't be doing it. He looked shocked. I am fairly sure I am not being unreasonable but not sure how to communicate this to him, as he clearly things I am.

What planet are they on?
It he really cares then he could be making steps to encourage her to be a competent human, and move to an area where life would be easier. The sheer audacity of expecting you to pick up her children’s slack really beggars belief - and I wholly agree they’ll be first in line for a share of any inheritances…

Protect your own peace.

Did he actually cheat, or did he just meet someone else and decide to leave because the marriage wasn’t working for him anymore?

YANBU for not wanting to help, but YABU to blame a third party for parents marriage ending. People are allowed to decide that a relationship is no longer working for them and move on.

Firstly, agree it's not your problem. That said, I would probably say something along the lines of "Dad, I live 5 hours away and work FT. It's not realistic to expect me to give Sue any practical support. The house is too big for you now, rural and she cant drive. You need to plan ahead and move close to her son now. Let me know if I can help you with that." If he doesn't do that then you've told him, he hasn't listened.

Good thinking @nomas
Don’t shoot yourself in the foot 😀
Be non commital rather than a definite yes though.

Of course your dad was shocked. You have a vagina, it's your job, not her own sons'!

Why isn't Dad making sure his wife has the skills she needs before he dies? Her sons have excuses and he knows you aren't going to be her caretaker. He needs to have this conversation with her so she knows where her own refusal to be an adult leaves her.

Plenty of widows have to learn new skills.

Depends how much you want to keep the peace.
Don’t commit to anything and interpret his wishes as a you sending her a Christmas card only, he couldn’t have possibly meant anything else given she was ow and you live 5 hours away. It reminds me of sense & sensibility where dying dad wants son who is inheriting everything to promise to take care of his wife and half sisters and son’s wife convinces him that his dad just meant ask after them occasionally nothing financial.
Or be clear now that it’s not happening she’s got her own sons and you are too far to be any use. Maybe they need to move now to a retirement flat where she’ll be ok eg on a bus route.

How many people end a marriage having fallen in love with someone else but before having had any sexual contact with said person? Verrrrrry few I would guess.

That is my assumption too

Don't say anything else, if he pushes "when your gone dad, I won't have any connection to her it's not my job to look after her." Rinse and repeat.

Mentally write off any potential inheritance (it will likely all go to her anyway). Once she inherits then any estate will likely go to her DSs.

Up to them if they want to help her or not.

I have tried this and got shouted down as they love their house. But then she will expect people to offer her lifts as she doesn’t drive.

She can expect all she wants. People are so often blind to the hurt caused by their actions, and just expect others to move on and accept their actions.

That's not your problem to solve.

First post nails it.

You just say 'Of course I will Dad' - and then pass all care to her sons once he's gone. No need to upset him, no need for there to be any disagreement now.

Yes he cheated.

Ask if his sons will be looking after your Dad if the wife dies first

So he didn't choose to leave his first wife and then marry this woman? He's completely helpless and innocent in all this and despite being able to do everything including finances, driving, making appointments, he was utterly incapable of making his own adult decisions?

I might be tempted to give an obtuse response like "Oh that must mean her sons have agreed to care for you if she dies first, how lovely. Is that right?"

not sure why you are bothering.

Just nod along. When he's gone do what you want. It's not worth upsetting Dad or falling out with him.
Don't feel guilty.
You do realise it was Dad who split the family up though, rather than her? She's only partly to blame.
If you choose to forgive him for the sake of your relationship, that's fair enough, but don't make her the fall guy.

Wow, 100% agree. Never ever seen that on here!

Absolutely not your responsibility.

I think you should make it clear to both of them. Tell her you arent going to be around and that she needs to sort something out with her son. Maybe even tell the son. If she split your family up surely she doesnt expect her step daughter to look after her in old age. You dont have to say anything of course but it would be more practical to tell them now. Unless it's an inheritance issue, in which case that's another matter. I think you should be upfront..