AIBU to not force DD5 to use other child's preferred pronouns?

[Craziesareoutinfullforce]

So today I picked up DD5 from school and her teacher told me that my DD had asked a little boy in the playground why he was wearing a dress. He said it's because he is a girl, and my DD, confused, disputed this and said "but you are a boy", which has of course upset him and now my DD is in trouble. Apparently he went to the teacher and she pulled my DD aside and said what she said was unkind and she needs to respect how other people describe themselves.

My DD has ASD and has only recently become verbal, school are well aware of this and she has an EHCP outlining her communication difficulties, with her mental age being approx 3 years old (in terms of where she is with development). My argument was that she has additional needs and has zero concept of transgenderism so she was not to know, and was also in no way unkind as she was asking a genuine question and not trying to be nasty. I imagine any 5 year old would be confused by this? I think if you asked a NT 5yo to use preferred pronouns they likely would, but still don't feel anybody should be forced into doing this or face punishment.

I did also say to the teacher that this is not something that is encouraged at home and we have never spoken about it. She told me that they are an inclusive school and everybody is to be accepted, and that from now on DD must use his preferred pronouns and call this boy 'she/her', she had said this to my DD at the time and she got upset because "that's not right" (my DDs words). I told her that I will not be enforcing this and will contact the LA regarding the matter should they pursue it in future, given that they are point blank disregarding DD's ND and EHCP, essentially.

Aibu here? I expect to get hate for this, and I'm really not trying to encourage any phobia regarding trans people, it is just not something I accept or feel comfortable with or encourage. I would never attack someone for being this way etc., but just feel nobody should be forced into calling a boy a girl and vice versa when they are clearly not. It feels really unfair and frankly bizarre that my 5 year old with ND is being penalised for calling a boy a boy. I don't think I need to take this any further but unsure what to do if anything happens regarding this in future? I did mention above I would contact LA but would they take the same stance as the school? I have emailed the headteacher about it but he has not yet replied. Please help, feeling stuck and idk if I'm in the wrong or not.

Sorry meant to say NC for this, this is why it's my first post.

No you are not wrong. Your child should not be compelled to lie.

I'd complain to the school.

Stick to your guns!

The school is being unkind to your DD by gaslighting her.

Is this real?!

Of course yanbu, and the school policy is letting down all the children, as are the boy’s parents.

Yanbu at all.

This is suspiciously similar to several previous posts.

I personally wish we could leave young dc out of the endless anti-trans narratives around here.

I personally doubt either of my dc would have batted an eyelid at 5.

You can feel as strongly as you like, but being trans is still a protected characteristic in the uk. The school won't allow the more vulnerable dc to be negatively effected, so if you insist on encouraging your own dc to use different pronouns, I imagine it's your dc who'll be supervised or moved away.

Hard to believe this is a real story but if it is obviously YANBU

Thank you. I really didn't think I was being unreasonable but the teacher was making me feel like I was being an awful bully tbqh. I understand this sort of thing was accepted in schools now, but didn't think my DD of only 5 would be treated like this for not knowing any better. It is their ignorance towards her additional needs that is bothering me beyond everything else. Would it be right to contact Local authorities if this happens again? I have emailed the headteacher to say I won't be enforcing this as she doesn't even understand and has only just learned how to say him/her for each gender. My brain is hurting to be honest

Let it go. Just explain it to your daughter as well as you can.
Like the rest of us.

Imagine how fucked up that dc will be by secondary school ?

I fear that all of the children will if they have to pussyfoot around these things not to offend anyone. Despite not agreeing with it, I just do my best to ignore it in my own life and treat everyone nicely regardless. I'm not encouraging her to be nasty to him, I'm just worried if I tell her to call him a girl that she will just become beyond confused and will mess up her understanding of things even more. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be that parent but I just want to act in the best interests of my DD.

Please read paragraphs 254 onwards in this document, which schools must follow. It is statutory safeguarding guidance

“Schools and colleges have a statutory duty to safeguard and promote the
welfare of all children. They should consider how best to fulfil that duty towards a
child who is questioning their gender, as well as their peers, ensuring that any
agreed course of action takes account of the impact on all of those affected.”

“Primary schools should exercise particular caution, and we would expect
support for full social transition to be agreed very rarely”

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/6aba40e0fceb6fb3a650127d/Keeping_children_safe_in_education_2026.pdf

I would absolutely demand an appointment with the SENCO. Shocking that your child got treated like this. Write it all down, make an official complaint about that teacher.

@Stompythedinosaur why is the trans identifying child MORE vulnerable than an autistic child with an EHCP?

The child that needs protecting is the one being asked to lie about the sex of the trans identifying child.

The trans identifying child also needs protecting. It is harmful to socially transition a child, especially one as young as 5.

Are you ok??

No your child should not be gaslit and told to lie about and to another child. I thought school isn't supposed to support social transitioning as its not a neutral act.

No. It is everyone’s responsibility to safeguard children. It’s likely that neither the child who is being transed by the adults around him nor the OP’s DD is being adequately safeguarded here.

What is horrible about protecting both children from harm?

I think you are confused.

What a ridiculous world this has become.

In a sensible time, this interaction would have gone something like this:

’Hey, Rupert why you in a dress?’

’cos I’m a girl’

‘haha okay. You’re a boy though.’

Teacher: ‘let’s all just get along and have fun, eh?’

YANBU. School are bonkers

Ahh okay this puts this things into perspective regarding the teachers stance. I didn't know about this so thank you for sharing. I just feel if they have a duty to safeguard children then this should extend this to my DD who is vulnerable given her additional needs? They cannot expect her to understand this, surely

Because they are the child causing the harm and the trans child isn't doing anything to them?

Even in extremely unlikely circumstance this is real and not just another story made up to fuel trans-hate, the only realistic consequence of a parent encouraging transphobia in a young dc is that it has a negative impact on that dc at school. So why would you? It's perfectly easy to explain using different pronouns. I don't really believe in making your dc's life worse just to prove a point.

I have to agree. Feels as though they know what they have to do just aren't putting enough effort into ensuring both parties are safeguarded adequately? Like they're just trying to hope it will go away. This is just how I feel but very annoyed right now to be honest