AIBU to not force DD5 to use other child's preferred pronouns?

[Craziesareoutinfullforce]

So today I picked up DD5 from school and her teacher told me that my DD had asked a little boy in the playground why he was wearing a dress. He said it's because he is a girl, and my DD, confused, disputed this and said "but you are a boy", which has of course upset him and now my DD is in trouble. Apparently he went to the teacher and she pulled my DD aside and said what she said was unkind and she needs to respect how other people describe themselves.

My DD has ASD and has only recently become verbal, school are well aware of this and she has an EHCP outlining her communication difficulties, with her mental age being approx 3 years old (in terms of where she is with development). My argument was that she has additional needs and has zero concept of transgenderism so she was not to know, and was also in no way unkind as she was asking a genuine question and not trying to be nasty. I imagine any 5 year old would be confused by this? I think if you asked a NT 5yo to use preferred pronouns they likely would, but still don't feel anybody should be forced into doing this or face punishment.

I did also say to the teacher that this is not something that is encouraged at home and we have never spoken about it. She told me that they are an inclusive school and everybody is to be accepted, and that from now on DD must use his preferred pronouns and call this boy 'she/her', she had said this to my DD at the time and she got upset because "that's not right" (my DDs words). I told her that I will not be enforcing this and will contact the LA regarding the matter should they pursue it in future, given that they are point blank disregarding DD's ND and EHCP, essentially.

Aibu here? I expect to get hate for this, and I'm really not trying to encourage any phobia regarding trans people, it is just not something I accept or feel comfortable with or encourage. I would never attack someone for being this way etc., but just feel nobody should be forced into calling a boy a girl and vice versa when they are clearly not. It feels really unfair and frankly bizarre that my 5 year old with ND is being penalised for calling a boy a boy. I don't think I need to take this any further but unsure what to do if anything happens regarding this in future? I did mention above I would contact LA but would they take the same stance as the school? I have emailed the headteacher about it but he has not yet replied. Please help, feeling stuck and idk if I'm in the wrong or not.

Absolutely stand firm on this, you’re 100% right op.

It’s very very wrong that a newly verbal child with significant developmental delay is being discouraged from speaking, or criticised for saying the ‘wrong’ thing, which is of course accurate.

Very wrong and potentially damaging. Stand your ground.

“My DD has ASD and has only recently become verbal, school are well aware of this and she has an EHCP outlining her communication difficulties, with her mental age being approx 3 years old (in terms of where she is with development).”

This is how'd I'd explain it to and for similar reasons. Your first, most important job is to look after your daughter. So she needs to know what is currently socially acceptable to prevent her from being labelled naughty or a bully and being punished for either. This will be more complicated because she's autistic, however she still has to exist in this mad world, you can't sterilise it of complexity and contradiction for her however much you'd wish to make the way ahead for her easier.

You can certainly continue to challenge the school and LA alongside this to safeguard the boy and all the other children involved in his/his parents imagination

What on earth is wrong with calling people what they want to be called? Whether it’s a preferred name, nick name or pronoun. It won’t hurt your daughter to respect people’s wishes.

You know your family may need some grace and kindness someday too?

From memory, there was a mum who got this specific issue covered in her child’s EHCP, I can’t remember the details, but take a look at this thread @Craziesareoutinfullforce

www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4742589-ehcp-safeguarding-from-gender-ideology

Yes, and a boy wearing a dress doesn't magically turn into a girl!

Please read the thread, including links to KCSIE. Social transition is not a neutral act and the most caution should be exercised for a 5 year old. 5!

Thank you for sharing this, was just trying to find something similar RE the article shared. Will give it a watch when kids are in bed. If I do have to take this further I want to be fully prepped on the facts. I just feel my DD is being let down here and it is so sad when she has come such a long way. I really don't want her confidence to be knocked- and honestly, dont want the little boys to be knocked either. Just want to find common ground with a resolution in the best interests of everybody

Don’t be so ridiculous! And how nasty to refer to people who have a different opinion to you as ‘horrible people’

Op, you’re doing the right thing protecting your DD, I would do the exact thing, as would many, many others.

Wonderful, thank you so much for this!

Really appreciating the helpful links on this thread so far. I would be eager to have this included in her EHCP, at least for the time being as she just simply doesn't understand any of this at this point in her development. Will give it a read over now, thanks again

Bloody hell - the head space you have given this @Craziesareoutinfullforce

Your best bet is to stick to the DfE document Keeping Children Safe in Education and also any school policies.

But you may find the YouTube video interesting background.

If the situation escalates or you need more support, I recommend posting on the Feminism Sex and gender board.

What’s weird is that the school haven’t raised this with the children about how they expect the child to be referred to as

Don’t be so silly. He s 5. This week he thinks he is a girl, next week he’ll be a dinosaur and the week after a unicorn.

Children can pretend to be lots of different things, but no other child should be forced to believe the other child’s make-believe.

If he wants to wear a dress and use a girls name, that’s fine. However, he will still be a boy and should be referred to as such. He should also be using the boys toilets.

Definitely an idea to consider, thank you

It is not horrible to be appalled that a child of five has been lied to by everyone in his life and allowed to believe that he can identify into being female. His parents and whoever is advising them are totally misguided. This child is now on a course to, at best, confusion and social difficulties, but if he persists with this and ends up on puberty blockers and hormones there will be permanent adverse effects on his health and development.

The foundation of good mental health is learning to accept ourselves as we are and to be realistic about what we can change. If this little boy is finding life restrictive because of the stereotypes about what it means to be a real boy, real man etc etc, surely the best thing is for him and his family to have therapy from experienced counsellors/practitioners who can explain that there is no right or wrong way to be a boy. His sex is fixed and can't be changed, so he will be male to the end of his life. However, his personality is his. He's fine as he is, even if he is not interested in typical boys' toys, games, clothes, haircuts etc. None of that makes him a non-boy, i.e. a girl.

This afternoon he thought he’s a girl

Tonight I reckon he’ll be back to being a boy

Yes, parents do tend to give a lot of headspace to the well-being of their children. What an odd comment!

Trans child? Aged five? You mean little boy playing dress-up. I have no problem with that, but 'trans child' really rings alarm bells with me. It's far too young for that decision.

Oh this has bugger all to do with any child’s well being.

A young child fancied wearing a dress (the school uniform dress presumably?). The school will have explained to the children how to refer and if they haven’t, that’s on them.

It was just any old dress… it was the school uniform dress?

Please complain. I would refuse to make my child go along with this.

That’s really not how it works. Sorry that you don’t seem to understand child development and statutory guidance for schools, maybe read up.

Thank you. You have been so helpful I really do appreciate it. Again was not trying to entice hate just trying to find guidance of future steps to take should it come to that. I dont want to be hit with another incident and have no idea what to do. Have never had this happen before so feeling rather bewildered honestly. Thanks again

Spot on. The OP's little girl needs support and protection. It's incredible and really dispiriting that this very novel trend of gender self-ID has ridden a coach and horses through well-established safeguarding procedures and understanding of child development.