AIBU to not force DD5 to use other child's preferred pronouns?

[Craziesareoutinfullforce]

So today I picked up DD5 from school and her teacher told me that my DD had asked a little boy in the playground why he was wearing a dress. He said it's because he is a girl, and my DD, confused, disputed this and said "but you are a boy", which has of course upset him and now my DD is in trouble. Apparently he went to the teacher and she pulled my DD aside and said what she said was unkind and she needs to respect how other people describe themselves.

My DD has ASD and has only recently become verbal, school are well aware of this and she has an EHCP outlining her communication difficulties, with her mental age being approx 3 years old (in terms of where she is with development). My argument was that she has additional needs and has zero concept of transgenderism so she was not to know, and was also in no way unkind as she was asking a genuine question and not trying to be nasty. I imagine any 5 year old would be confused by this? I think if you asked a NT 5yo to use preferred pronouns they likely would, but still don't feel anybody should be forced into doing this or face punishment.

I did also say to the teacher that this is not something that is encouraged at home and we have never spoken about it. She told me that they are an inclusive school and everybody is to be accepted, and that from now on DD must use his preferred pronouns and call this boy 'she/her', she had said this to my DD at the time and she got upset because "that's not right" (my DDs words). I told her that I will not be enforcing this and will contact the LA regarding the matter should they pursue it in future, given that they are point blank disregarding DD's ND and EHCP, essentially.

Aibu here? I expect to get hate for this, and I'm really not trying to encourage any phobia regarding trans people, it is just not something I accept or feel comfortable with or encourage. I would never attack someone for being this way etc., but just feel nobody should be forced into calling a boy a girl and vice versa when they are clearly not. It feels really unfair and frankly bizarre that my 5 year old with ND is being penalised for calling a boy a boy. I don't think I need to take this any further but unsure what to do if anything happens regarding this in future? I did mention above I would contact LA but would they take the same stance as the school? I have emailed the headteacher about it but he has not yet replied. Please help, feeling stuck and idk if I'm in the wrong or not.

As one of those “horrible people” can you explain how wearing a dress makes a 5 year old boy into a girl? How does the dress change his sex? My dd never wore dresses, for school she wore trousers and shorts. As she never wore dresses does that mean she has been a boy all this time?

I would explain the situation to your DD in an age appropriate way that also allows her to rub along in the current climate....that is, I would tell her that she's right, he is a boy, but he's pretending to be a girl and that for the moment it's kind to play along.

Working harder to teach your child social norms (no matter how insane they are) is part of parenting an autistic child. I don't think refusing to explain it to her 'because she's autistic' will be helpful to her in the long run.

Ffs you can't let a 5 year old decide what gender he is- that's ridiculous. Surely his parents are behind this. At 5 I remember pretending to be a cat, a tree and Diego Maradona.

You need to tell her that clothes are clothes, anyone can choose what they wish to wear .

You should be encouraging your DD to use people's names. Where a pronoun absolutely has to be used, then of course he is a boy.

They should have put more attention into your child's needs that are surely stated on her EHCP over protecting a disillusioned male child dressing up as a girl. Its a disgrace.

The child is 5! Her parents should be reported for lying to him that he can change sex.

In your opinion then the truth (as told by a neurodiverse FIVE YEAR OLD) is transphobic. Wowzers!

Good grief if we are telling children they are the victims of transphobia in those circumstances no wonder they feel like they are being attacked.

The truth isn't transphobic.

Any five year boy who likes wearing dresses is a boy who likes wearing dresses. How awful that everyone, including the school, is telling a gender non conforming FIVE YEAR OLD that he must really be a girl.

My heart goes out to him, he is most definitely vulnerable. He has no chance to grow up and decide he's really a boy when he's being led down this path by adults who ought to know better.

OP I’m guessing if this boy had said “because he wanted to” instead of “because he’s a girl” to your dd, she would have just accepted it? It’s less about the dress and more about forcing a ND child to basically lie when it goes against everything they feel and see.

I'm not trying to be horrible, and I am sorry if anybody thinks that. I am only not enforcing it as I don't believe she's done anything wrong given her additional needs, she doesn't understand anything about this. She is just 5 years old with the mental age of a 3 year old. I dont think anybody should be forced into using certain pronouns but believe that given the kind person she is, she probably would in future once she understands and makes the choice whether to do so or not. Until then I'm not going to force her into it as I dont want her to learn that other people can socially pressure her into doing things she doesnt want to.

No 5 year old would understand this. They are black and white. A boy is a boy and a girl is a girl.

Trans is not a protected characteristic under the Equality Act. The closest is gender reassignment. A protected characteristic protects you from discrimination but does not compel the speech of others.

Pretending that a small child is trans is, in my opinion, child abuse, and that’s what needs to be investigated here

Agreed. NB the part about ensuring that any
agreed course of action takes account of the impact on all of those affected.”

Do read the whole section in the document.

I wouldn’t let this rest, you need to know if your child is going to be expected to misbelieve her own eyes and ears.

There is a new interview out, which I would also recommend. It’s about the workplace but similar things apply to children in school as to colleagues at work. Except that children are more vulnerable and must, legally, be safeguarded.

This is it: m.youtube.com/watch?v=1SzaHAt1z28&pp=0gcJCYsCo7VqN5tD&ra=m

Honestly there's a whole transphobia board for these fantasy stories - where the 'wise women of mumsnet' will lap it up and tell you that you're brave and correct.

This is what I said to the teacher but apparently I'm wrong! Despite my DD being at the developmental stage of a 3yo. This is what is annoying me as they are disregarding that completely.

Totally agree.

I think you’ll find disability trumps trans feelings, especially in 5 year olds!

In what way is this going against her EHCP?
By all means challenge this in whatever way you feel necessary, but be careful of being hyperbolic and discrediting your point.

A useful stance I use with my own autistic DC is an age/communication appropriate variation of "different people believe different things" conversation

"Nobody should be forced to call a boy a girl when they are clearly not"

In what way was this child 'clearly not' a girl? Is it because they had short hair/ a boys name etc.? I think the best thing you can teach a 5 year old is that boys and girls both come in all shapes and sizes, long and short hair, trousers/skirts/dresses, who cares? None of that should matter to a 5 year old

Could you explain how an autistic child being forced to lie about what they know and see is transphobic?

You're definitely not wrong. They are so so wrong. Are you one of the schools in Brighton that was in the news? A dad there has been going bonkers. Older kids though i think.

It’s not kind to play along though. And the statutory safeguarding guidance backs this up.

If anyone wants further reading about why this is a really bad idea for the little boy who has been told that others will treat him as a girl, read this: www.transgendertrend.com/childhood-social-transition/

Some people like to make sure they are being clear about fantasy vs reality though when teaching their children.

Demand!

It sounds like they are expecting far too much of a neurodiverse 5 year old. You are right to go to the SENCO here.